Why Michael Howard's impeccable logic made me proud to be a knuckle dragging Xenophobic little Englander

3 Apr 2017 at 09:21

I find all this fake news rather discombobulating. How can I tell what I read and see is true? Peter Hitchens and Simon Heffer demand we return to imperial measurements. Nigel Farage nearly joins the mile high club with a hard core porn star and £400 per hour hooker. Donald Trump threatens to bomb North Korea. Michael Howard wants to send gunboats to Spain. And Noel Edmonds of Deal or No Deal is to be our chief negotiator with the EU. What do I believe?

I suspect that Bozo is so fat because he is having to eat so many of his own words. Remember his promise that doing a deal with the EU would be a doddle? He Gove and Loathesome all crowed that the referendum was about taking back control. They should have told us that this referred to Spain taking back control of Gibraltar. Oh, and don’t forget the Elgin Marbles. The Greeks will want to take back control of those too; to sell to the Germans.

And why shouldn’t we take back control of Calais? And the Norwegians take back control of most of England. Oh, and the Italians will want to take back control of Londinium. But they will at least build a wall to keep the SNP at bay.

Apart from divide our normally tolerant little nation Brexit has opened up a Pandora’s box of petty squabbles with Johnny Foreigner. They will remember every little slight, invasion and condescension across the ages. This is pay back time. We are going to get a right royal Wopping, as Mr.Fromage might say when he eventually comes up for air.

Watching Michael Howard on the television last night brought a spring to the Step of every red blooded Englishman. To the strains of land of hope and glory he invoked Margaret Thatcher, the Falklands and that filthy Dago language; Spanish. Dear God it made me proud to be a Xenophobic little Englander. And his logic is faultless. If the bloody wogs threaten Gib we bloody well show them what for. We go to war. Never mind that Spain is a fellow member of NATO. Of course it means that under our treaty obligations we will have to join the Spaniards and go to war against ourselves. And by Jingo, we’ll win! That’ll show ’em. What a tragedy that Howard never became Prime Minister. The world would have been a safer place.

Then there is the impeccable logic of Trump. That mad little fat kid Kim Wrong Un had better watch his mouth and his nukes. If the Chinese don’t sort out this mess in their own back yard I’ll bomb em myself. Personally. From Air Force One. It will be beautiful. I am real smart.

I really do hope that Trump puts that little bit of foreign policy back in the cereal box or fortune cookie where he found it.

So that just leaves us with Noel Edmonds as our chief trade negotiator. Out of all the other news this is the most sane. It must be true.