The peculiar case of the Mogg in the night. And why Tory party leadership beauty parades are like Love Island for old people. They all get fucked

9 Aug 2017 at 08:48

I know this is the silly season and I enjoy the manufactured stories about skate boarding ferrets, trampolining squirrels and Diane Abbott having a functioning brain rather than a bowl of custard as much as anybody. The Amish Wing of the Tories nowadays avoid the grouse moors and prefer bespoke baby seal clubbing holidays in Nova Scotia. Corbynistas are in a bit of a dilemma though. Normally they would be off to the socialist paradise of Venezuela, but sadly this gloriously successful country has been systematically undermined by Imperialist American running dogs, forcing its benign government to arrest the traitors, spies and saboteurs that make up the press, judiciary and any political opposition.

So apart from the Trump administration making May’s government look strong and stable and the prospect of a world war triggered by two madman with bad hair there isn’t a lot to write about. Yet there is something bizarre occupying tiny Tory minds. The phenomenon that has become Jacob Rees Mogg. The peculiar case of the Mogg in the night. Now Moggy is a decent old cove and a genuine, rather than manufactured eccentric, unlike Despicable Me impersonator Bozo. Mind you, if someone was brave enough to crack open their sperm banks in 50 years time they would be disappointed. The the tanks would have run dry. These guys don’t come fecund best. Moggy in the sanctity of a catholic marriage and Bozo like an alley cat on viagra. If the the Tory bible, Conservative Home, is to be believed (it’s more Old Testament than New filled with lots of old smite) the Bozo joke is wearing thin and they seem to prefer the cut of young Moggy’s jib. Most sentient folk would scream with hysterical laughter at the thought of a Mogg premiership, but remember we are talking about the Conservative Party many of whom don’t always take their medication and once, when in a floridly Psychotic state, actively considered making Andrea Loathesome their leader.

I haven’t a clue who will be the next Tory leader. But it will be sooner rather than later. This is the most incompetent government I have ever had the misfortune to witness. At a time when we should be in concessionary mode with the EU, Madame is sending edicts from the top of some Swiss mountain about hardening our position. They just haven’t got a clue. And the right wing press cheer her on by calling any of us who commit the heresy of not saying that Brexit will bring us a glorious future traitors. Someone pray for us.

I’m probably wrong but I suspect that Madame will be dissuaded from soldiering on until Armageddon in 2019 by her husband Philip. It will then be too late as we would have been cast into the seventh circle of hell by Barnier and his gang of cheese eating surrender monkeys.

The Tory party conference will be a jittery affair. No great cheers for Madame who will be treated with the respect one gives to a family pet which will have to be put down but nobody has the courage to decide precisely when. It will be dominated by the leadership hopefuls beauty parade. A bit like Love Island for old people. Where everyone gets fucked

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Politics has become a Spectator sport. May has given us a government of all the talons

16 Jul 2017 at 08:41

Politics has become a Spectator sport. A balmy summer’s evening with barmy politicians hoovering up large quantities of acceptable bubbly, spitting venom and bile. There was enough malice aforethought to make it a murder scene. Except that in politics you can die a thousand deaths. What doesn’t kill you makes you stranger.

At this stage I would usually write, ‘if only I was a fly on the wall….’ But I didn’t need to be. Every wonderful, excruciating and joyously embarrassing detail has been lovingly salacioused into the press. Of course, there were cameos from the arachnidian Priti Patel (God, that woman scares me) and other minor players like Loathesome, Moggy and a few Westminster Disneyland delusionists who honestly believe that one day they will be Prime Minister. Even Madame, like Banquo’s ghost, briefly ectoplasmed an appearance. But the poor thing has a horror of meeting people who are not police and fireman and a suffers from a crippling phobia of journalists. I am told that she was devastated and shed a tear. But only a small one. Not to worry though, she is off on a walking holiday with Philip. What could possibly go wrong?

But all eyes were on the two feuding families the Johnsons and the Davis mob. It would have been like watching that menacing part of Prokofiev’s ballet Romeo and Juliet when the Capulets and the Montagues strut their stuff. But that’s probably too dignified. More like the rival street gangs the Sharks and the Jets.

My old chum David Davis is the master of the wind up and exudes a genuine charm that Johnson merely fabricates. He know just the right scab to pick and the put down that will send Bozo into a frenzied sulk. Firstly, Davis charmed and kissed sister Rachel. Boasting that he is wooing her back into the Conservative fold. Then he taunts that our Foreign Secretary is a failure. Bozo’s mob then threaten to ‘kick him in the bollocks’. It was all wonderfully grown up. Herogram for Tim Shipman for reporting it all.

Yet it has been a weird week. Not unlike those balloon debates we used to have at school. You had to give a reasoned debate about whom you will chuck out. May has gone but is still clinging onto the the basket with her finger tips. But at the moment it is Hammond whooshing through the air. There has been a concerted and successful effort to smear him. Firstly, the cabinet leak, from more than one source, about his ‘sexist’ remark that driving a train is so easy even women could do it. This shows a terrible lack of judgement. Would you feel comfortable with Patel, Loathesome or Greening driving a packed commuter train? I’d feel safer if Richard Hammond were at the controls.

And then there is the ‘let’s end austerity and make ourselves popular with public sector workers by chucking them some dosh,’ brigade which is apparently let by my cousin (I doubt whether she realises it) Justin Greening. This is quite bonkers. Have they all forgotten the wage inflation of the sixties and seventies that made us the Sick Man of Europe? Apparently so. And they do so at their peril. So now it is Hammond who is the dead man walking. He is the one oozing common sense. Bizarre.

But the Bozo star appears to be on the wane. Judging by Fraser Nelson’s last piece, the Speccie (or rather the splendid Andrew Neil who has an attic full of Johnsonian broken promises) has taken against him. The gist was that the shagathon that has added to the gaity of political life could become a serious turn off for voters. I am inclined to agree.

Many years ago when I was writing for Punch we had a front page predicting that Davis would one day lead the Conservative party. We were about twenty years out of date. Oh, and have you noticed his uncanny resemblance between Davis and Martin Shaw of the Professionals and Judge Deed?

May is now at her most vulnerable. MP’s are away. Mobiles will be throbbing. She has created a government of all the talons.

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Our West End productions. The Tories Sunset Boulevard meets Springtime with Brexit. Labour Sweeny Todd with McDonnell as the barber and Abbott making the pies

8 Jul 2017 at 09:03

If I was Lloyd Webber I would bring back Sunset Boulevard for a brief West End run. And if I was the government chief whip I would require that every Tory MP went to see it provided they didn’t appear in front of the cameras and say that ‘there are lessons to be learned.’ Because there are.

I am not suggesting that May has just buried her pet monkey (Bozo is still alive after all), shot her screenwriter lover and is just about to be arrested for his murder. But there are resonances with Norma Desmond, once a Hollywood silent screen goddess whose career was destroyed when the public first heard her voice rather than be bewitched by the flash of her eyes and seduced by the warmth of her smile. Well, alright, then let’s skip the smile bit. Norma was delusional and believed that a return to the silver screen was inevitable. Everyone knew that she was doomed but when she went to visit her old studio she was shown nothing but embarrassed deference for the star that she once was. Nobody had the heart to tell her the truth.

May has murdered the Conservative party. The brand has been trashed and nobody has a clue what it stands for. And the police in the form of the Cabinet are on their way. Only the most devoted and worshipping fans really believed that Miss Desmond would really make a comeback and and transport them back into a sepia past that could never return. And when asked about a comeback she regally hissed, ‘comeback? I have never been away.’

There are a number of headlines that politicians dread. ‘Stricken, dead in the water, fight back, re launch.’ Well, we have had all of these and this morning’s offering is that she is ‘going to be bold’. Now that should send a shiver down your spine. The right wing press lauded her Titanic manifesto as bold. Next we will hear that she is spending the the recess walking in the Welsh hills with Philip. Now that should scare the shit out of everybody.

You know things are bad when Andrea Loathesome, who is being tutored how to walk talk and breathe all at the same time (it’s not going well) demanded that she be either Home or Foreign Secretary. Normally, this would have people wetting themselves with derision at Number 10 rather than sitting up and listening. But that’s just a comedy side show. The real Broadway production will be the tragi comic musical Springtime with Brexit, broadly based on the Producers where a cynical impresario sets out to put together the most awful, bad taste and unworkable show designed to fail.

But you know things are really bad when professional psychopath and architect of the Brexit win, Dominic Cummings, admits that he may have made a terrible mistake. You don’t say. And you can’t run a negotiation when all your your negotiators are singing from different hymn sheets. The Tories have got to act quickly. It’s careless to wreck your party but unforgivable to wreck your country. Sadly, the Tories are pretty gutless. If May really wants to be bold she should announce her resignation until a new leader if found before the party conference. Then our country might just have a chance of escaping economic oblivion.

But Labour is not much better. They may be bad butchers but they have a terrible history of Stalinist purges. Decent moderate MPs will be deselected within a few months. They know it, but just don’t want to believe it. Somehow it will all get better. No it bloody won’t. Unless you guys form a new party Labour is dead as a movement rooted in Parliamentary democracy. And that is bloody scary.

So if you think the Tories have a resonance with Sunset Boulevard then Labour is very much akin to Sweeney Todd. John McDonnell is cutting the throats of those in the barber’s chair and Diane Abbott is downstairs making the pies.

God help us all. Politicians wake up.

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Stop all this hypocritical crap about grubby and shameful deals. Elections are about bribes and deals. And I think I've seen the future. He's called Gavin

27 Jun 2017 at 08:31

Oh, can’t we all grow up a bit over the DUP deal? They may be a fairly ghastly bunch, but like the leaders of Scotland and Wales they want to screw as much money out of the government as they can for their own patch. They just have the opportunity. If you’ve got it flaunt it. And if you flaunt it abuse it. Even Gerry Adams had to admit that it was good news that £1bn is on its way to Ulster. And we might just get Stormont and power sharing back on track. It is a condition of payment. Who is daft enough to block that? As Claud Cockburn used to say, there is nothing more effective than a cash bribe.

I spent three happy years in Northern Ireland as a bag carrier in Paddy Mayhew’s team. The truth is we have been bribing them for years. They have a seriously good education system, public housing which is built to a far better specification than over here and if a medium sized town wanted a leisure centre in the nineties, they’d get it. It was one of the price tags of peace. I always got on well with the Ulster Unionists and actually took a member of the DUP round the Vatican. I even have the odd drink with Ian Paisley junior. But as a culture they are a little odd. But so is the Province. Last year I popped over to appear on Stephen Nolan’s television show. As I was sitting alone in my dressing room bored out of my skull I thought I’d pop into the green room for a drink and have a banter with some of the other guests. Firstly, I’d forgotten that the green rooms over there are dry, which was a terrible shock to the system. Secondly, there was a segment about a comedy play mildly taking the piss out of the bible that a DUP council had tried to ban. Not that they’d taken the time or trouble to go and see it. From what I’d heard it was all pretty tame stuff with reworked jokes like Moses coming down with the 10 commandments he had negotiated with God and saying the bad news was that adultery was still in. Gentle Two Ronnies stuff. So in I strolled in and sidled up to a kindly old boy. ‘What are you here for?’ ‘That play.’ ‘Can’t see what the fuss is all about.’ ‘So you think adultery is hilarious do you?’ Needless, to say I slagged him off to a supportive audience. The next morning I was recognised at the airport. To a man and a woman (there must have been about 20 of them) they said how nice it was to see me on Nolan, but how much they disagreed with me over the play. It’s a very different place.

So is this deal shabby and shameful? No more than any other political deal is. We had to ditch parts of the manifesto when we did deals with the Lib Dems in coalition. And it worked rather well. People, mostly of the Lederhosen persuasion, thought it was a disaster, but compared to today’s clusterfuck omnishambles those were the days of milk and honey. At least the DUP have buried the toxic rantings of the manifesto and will, with Ruth Davidson and her hit squad give us a fighting chance of realistic Brexit.

So everyone, let’s cut the hypocritical crap. All elections are about seeking power. All manifestos contain bribes. This deal is neither grubby nor shameful. It’s just practical. How long it will last is another matter. But with Alene Foster’s family history with PIRA I can’t see her breaking bread with Corbyn and his mob. This is personal.

In the last few days I have been pondering who should take over from May. Some commentators were saying we should skip a generation, but never made any serious suggestions. But this morning it dawned on me. It’s glaringly obvious. Who has had experience in Number 10? Who is popular with all sides of the party? Who comes from humble beginnings? Who has negotiated a deal that could save the skin of the Tories? Chief Whip, Gavin Williamson. And he has all the powers of patronage and the whips office machinery behind him. He could be formidable.This is early days and I have never even met him. I don’t even know if he is remotely charismatic. I’ve never even heard him speak. We will see. But I am am going to google William Hill and have a flutter. And don’t underestimate Green. A good man who did well at the dispatch box yesterday. And that wily old fox Davis comes over well. I could happily vote for any of those three. But buy shares in Williamson. A man to be watched.

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It's time for a parliamentary revolution. Sovereignty must be restored. A deal with EU is dead. Brexit must be buried

24 Jun 2017 at 09:00

An interesting constitutional question. At what stage does parliament have an over riding duty to protect the economy from disaster? I suppose it depends what you are over riding. The result of a general election? Never. A referendum? Perhaps. The irony is that for those, like myself, whose bedrock of political beliefs is founded upon Parliamentary sovereignty, referendums are dangerous sideshows designed to make things easier for weak politicians. Cameron was in a weak position when he promised one on Brexit. God how I miss him.

I wonder how many Tories who were screaming for a deal with the KIPPERS have any sense of remorse at what whirlwind of destruction they have unleashed? And I wonder how many really want to destroy their constituents jobs, living standards and the hopes and dreams of their children. There will be a day of reckoning. It may be sooner than they think.

At the moment there are sixty hard core Tory MPs. They are in a parallel universe, a different reality from the rest of us. The toothsome Loathesome’s manic optimism borders on the psychotic. The FT is biased. Carney is wrong. And everyone who tries to protect jobs an the economy is a traitor to the people. Matt Paris is quite right in the Times today. There are now just two choices. Remain or get out. The soft options are undeliverable. I had hopes that they could be until yesterday. The easiest settlement was a deal on Eu citizens in the U.K and ours overseas. We couldn’t even get that right. Juncker sees May as weak and outgunned and will toy with her before she is hounded out. Nothing much will be achieved. But if we can’t get citizens rights sorted what hope do we have to protect the city of London, free trade and migration? The answer is simple. None. So we will limp on until Juncker goes in November and May September. And in September Merkel either returns triumphant, is defeated or weakened. Whatever happens the dynamics will have changed. The Germans and the French will be running the show. Nothing much will happen in ‘negotiations’ until we have clear leadership and a policy that will not trash the economy. At the moment we have neither. We will just drift as lonely as a cloud until, at best, we have a transitional deal which will last for a generation. A generation where we will have no say in the shaping of Europe when it is at peril. We will become a diplomatic irrelevance, a laughing stock, a tin pot little country pretending to be a leading role on the world stage when we are merely an extra.

This is what we have come to. This is how serious it is. It’s time for a revolution. Not the agit prop of McDonnell, but in Parliament. Parliamentary sovereignty must be resumed. The Brexiteers have had their chance and they have failed miserably. Misplaced, delusional optimism is not a policy, it is a religion. Who is going to have the courage in government to say that Brexit is dead and now must be buried? The Parliamentary arithmetic is there. It’s time to show courage. The hour has cometh but all they do is simper platitudes and give us a hope that is false in every word and deed. I fear for the country I love. And I fear for my children.

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As the May Celeste drifts aimlessly on the currents Bozo, unfit for office and a national disgrace schemes

22 Jun 2017 at 06:55

When the Mail online gives George Soros space to write a piece about how Brexit is going to be a catastrophe and Britain will be forced to change its mind, you know that something very unusual is happening. And when the Chancellor slags off his Prime Minister on national television on Sunday and then hints at a soft Brexit at the Mansion House breakfast on Tuesday, you have a feeling that there is going to be a continental Brexit rather than a full English after all.

Then there is Bozo. Unfit for office, lazy, scheming and a national disgrace. If you think May is bloody awful, this thoroughly dishonest tub of lard is in a league of his own. His Eddie Mair interview was typically slap dash and unprepared. He hadn’t a clue what was in the Queen’s speech and didn’t much care. But what I find so ghastly about this pustule on the sphincter of government is his shameless pursuit of Number 10. At any cost. He gets his people to brief against May and take soundings on the back benches. He then denies any plotting and urges his backbenchers to be loyal to her. Now, he has announced that he will not stand for the leadership until 2019. How very generous. But it doesn’t stop there. He is now briefing against David Davis. ‘Too old…..beaten by Cameron’, followed by pics of him with two busty girls with DD slogans on their breasts. The sheer hypocrisy of Bozo trying smear Davis with bit of mild sexism is breathtaking. But predictable. Yet I have some very sad news. Bozo’s seat disappears in boundary changes. If I wasn’t on the wagon (temporary measure to get beach body fit for hols) I’d crack open the prosecco.

The sheer mind boggling incompetence of Number 10 is breathtaking. For months we have been treated to little homilies about how the SNP can’t veto Brexit. It appears now that they might be able to. Dear God where were the bloody lawyers? Or maybe they did advise and the gruesome twosome kept it under wraps.

The cabinet is out of control. There is no discipline. Enter number 10 and it’s like the May Celeste. Plates are laid out for a meal and computers hum. But what happened to the crew? There is no sign of human life. Where have they gone?

We just can’t go on like this. Didn’t anyone realise that although the DUP are a pretty cranky bunch they are tough, ruthless and experienced negotiators.Remember the Good Friday Agreement? An accommodation will be reached. Thank heavens they want a soft Brexit.

So what do we Tories who care about our country and are terrified that by some terrible act of criminal negligence we are complicit in putting Corbyn and his bully boys into power? I’ll repeat what I wrote a couple of weeks ago. She has to be gone by the party conference. There doesn’t need to be an election. The people are fed up with them. In a sick twist of fate they actually want strong and stable government. Corbyn’s mob will moan groan and take to the streets, but it will make no difference. Labour are in a hyped up Disneyland of delusion. Corbynistas really do think that they are waiting in the shadows to form a government. The arithmetic isn’t there unless we make it so.

So what do we do with Madame? A few years ago when David Tennant was playing Doctor Who he was very angry with a female Prime Minister. ‘I can destroy you with just four words.’ She looked puzzled. He then whispered to an aide, ’Doesn’t she look tired?’ That was the end of her.

And Madame does look tired and emotionally drained. Who wouldn’t after all she has been though? She has a medical condition. Does she have the mental stamina to go though this heavy pounding? Perhaps. Does she want to? I doubt it. But the Tories and the country need leadership. We just don’t have it. No amount of makeovers and humility will make Madame the leader we all hoped she would be. So make it swift and make it bloodless and for God’s sake keep the party faithful at arms length. And make it either Damian or David.

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Is Grenfell Tower a metaphor for our divided society?

16 Jun 2017 at 07:39

If I hear another politician recite the mantra ‘lessons must be learned’ after a tragedy, I will scream. The lesson that has been learned over the years by the political classes is that they have learned nothing at all.

No words can express the horror of the Grenfell Tower conflagration, so I am not going to try. May was right to order a full public inquiry. It must be swift, decisive and if need be, brutal. If there is evidence of corporate manslaughter it must be put in the hands of the CPS.

What causes me anguish is that someone or some body decided not to install a sprinkler system which would have cost £200,000 and prevented the fire spreading. What causes me rage is that cladding the building cost £3m. It was filled with combustible material that has been banned in the USA for buildings over 30 feet tall. It would have cost an extra £5000 to install cladding that was safe and stop the spread of fire. Someone is going to have to explain the decision making progress and the advice that was given.

Now let me give you a truly terrifying statistic. There are 2,925 Tower blocks in Britain. Do you know how many have sprinkler systems? Sit down and pour yourself a stiff drink. The answer is eighteen.

We hear about a report reviewing building regulations that the government initiated which a coroner recommended years ago. It hasn’t come to light. Yet. Let me give give you a clue as to why not. Tower blocks built post 1974 have to have a sprinkler system. Multiply 2,907 by £200,000 and you get £581,400,000. That’s the cost of ensuring that the tragedy of Grenfell doesn’t happen any where else. Perhaps ministers and officials were told that the risk of a fire was tiny. Perhaps local authorities and housing associations came to the same conclusions. And did Kensington and Chelsea really ignore warnings of the residents association? Is the leader of the council really saying that residents didn’t want a sprinkler system? There are going to be some very uncomfortable questions. They must be answered honestly. But how on earth do those people who live in these other blocks feel? How can any of them believe a word of reassurance? From anyone.

In many ways this tragedy appears to be a metaphor for how some perceive Britain. A divided society where the rich live side by side with the poor, but don’t even notice them. Where the rich want to prettify a grim tower block so they don’t have to have the indignity of having to have it scar their multi million pound vistas. Where greedy landlords cut costs oblivious to whether the poor huddled masses in their charge live or die. Where government’s austerity programmes hit the poorest. Where white goods manufacturers ignore calls to make their products safer.

There are seeds of truth in all of of those comments. But the sense of community, compassion and generosity from the richest to the poorest gives me a sense of optimism. There are many many problems in our society. But there is an inherent sense of decency and goodwill which lays deep not just in the in the people of London but of Great Britain. The residents of Grenfell tower had little and now have nothing. All of us must act.

So perhaps Grenfell Tower is a metaphor after all. One of hope for our divided society.

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MPs are like Meerkats. They look soft and cuddly but are deadly killers who hunt in packs

13 Jun 2017 at 08:18

MP’s are like Meerkats. They look soft and cuddly, but in reality they are deadly killers who hunt in packs. At the moment all eyes are on the carnage in the Tory party. It won’t be too long before Labour’s own bloodbath hits the front pages. Moderates are horrified at Corbyn’s success. A wipe out would have been the perfect excuse to ventilate him and his ghastly crew. This is now the time for a breakaway. Despite the toothsome smiles, the mea culpa’s and the cheers they will give Corbyn at the Queen’s Speech, plotting and unease is bubbling away under the surface. Timing is the key. If they don’t act soon Momentum will have stuffed the party conference by the end of the year. And an electable Labour Party will turn to dust. The Labour Party has been hijacked. It’s time to move on.

But the turmoil that will erupt in Labour is a story for another day. May is a triumph of the mortician’s art. There only only three people she can really trust are Damian Green, Stephen Parkinson, and her husband Philip. They will tell her when to depart with the minimum of humiliation. Real power lies with Graham Brady, who has emerged as a big beast, and the two Gavins who have rebooted the Maybot into humility mode. It’s a holding operation. Nothing more. The Cabinet despise each other, but her even more. Ignore the gibberings of loyalty and support from the meerkats. They are just sniffing the air for personal opportunity. They don’t want an early election and neither do the people.

There is a golden rule in politics that as soon as a Prime Minister falls out with her Chancellor over policy it’s curtains. Hammond will never forgive her. He is in alliance with Ruth Davidson. Both will get a more sensible Brexit. And Davidson has her shock troops in Scotland. Don’t think that they will slavishly follow the Westminster whip. They won’t.

What has to be done is put down the destructive demands of the Amish wing with their puritanical demands over Brexit. They must be crushed. They destroyed Major, Cameron and May with their swivel eyed views. It’s pointless parroting the line about obeying the voice of the people on 23 June. The people have spoken again and they don’t much care for a negotiating position which will screw their jobs and living standards.

But what is our negotiating position? At the moment I haven’t a clue, save that the article 50 letter and white paper have been reduced to chip paper. And who is Barnier negotiating with? May is not going to be there for too much longer. Who is calling the shots now? The answer is Hammond. He will take the lead role. You can almost smell the burning rubber of the multiple U turns which will be performed. Poor Theresa. There is nothing more humiliating than a politician eating her own words. This is going to be a banquet.

In many ways the electorate got it right. They are not keen on more grammar schools, the dementia tax and getting rid of free lunches at primary schools. And they are not going to get them.

But we must stop patronising the young. We have been cynically counting on them not to vote. Well, they did. They have an appetite for it. This is good news. Corbyn gave them hope. It may have been a very cynical false hope, but hope nevertheless. It’s time for a Minister for the young. I’m not suggesting votes for sixteen year olds. But the Tories ignore the young at their peril. We must give them hope that is deliverable.

This afternoon May starts talks with the DUP. Well, good luck matey. It will be a very weird experience. Northern Ireland is a strange place. Everything is looked at through the prism of betrayals, territorial rights, flags and cultural identity. And there is a primal mistrust of perfidious Albion. By all means bribe them with cash and investment. We’ve been doing it for years. But she must be even handed. Introducing legislation to ban Sinn Fein MPs from their allowances and cutting off political donations from abroad would derail the peace process. The Republican community is nervous. We must give them a real future that is not a present which is often an ever recurring past.

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Selling your soul to the DUP is an abomination. Leviticus means Leviticus. Time for a deal with Farron. The price. A referendum

10 Jun 2017 at 08:43

Selling your soul to the devil is unwise, even for a politician. But to sell your soul to the DUP is an abomination. A word that they are rather proud of. It is the first step on the escalator to eternal political damnation. If you thought that the KIPPERS were an odd ball bunch of fruit cakes you ain’t seen nothing yet. They were merely gifted amateurs. Fire up the horse and trap as we are heading back to the eighteenth century.

If you think that there are a few right wing nutters on the Tory benches I can assure you they look quite sane when compered to Arlene Foster and her clutch of bigots, homophobes and creationists. One thing is sure. Leviticus means Leviticus.

I can understand May wanting to cling onto her Premiership with the illusion that this little covern of self righteous piousdom will deliver Brexit. Insanity. The EU negotiators will spot a weakness and exploit it. Northern Ireland wants to be treated as a special case rather than as a basket case. But if Northern Ireland has special treatment, what about London and Scotland? A mess. And undeliverable.

I am beginning to wonder if May is real and not some sort of Stepford granny. The last survivor of a failed CIA cyber experiment to frighten children into obedience. That speech on the steps of Number 10 yesterday was from a parallel universe. Does she honestly believe that she can deliver? Anything?
She has chosen to ally herself with a band of nutters, political assassins and those obsessed with betrayal. And then there is the DUP.

I was wrong yesterday. She will be gone in days. The recess is looming like a toxic black cloud. The knives are out. There will be rumour and counter rumour, briefing and counter rumour. Rather than take a knife to her cabinet as planned they will take one to her. It will be like Murder on the Orient Express. They will all want a crack at it. All over, done and dusted by the party conference. Another coronation. But what of the Kingdom? May took us into an election where the Tories were cock of the walk and Labour facing extinction. She will never be forgiven for breathing new life into them. She is presiding over a shambles. It is even time to bring back Gove. But once the blood has been cleared from the streets a deal with have to be done. With the Lib Dems. The price will be high but not unaffordable. A referendum on access to the single market. It is the only way the country can buy it way out of this mess.

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If you are going to run an election on the cult of personality it's a good idea to have one

9 Jun 2017 at 10:54

If you are going to run an election on the cult of personality it’s a good idea to have a personality. Some of us warned that this was a misguided election and fraught with danger. And some of us warned that Corbyn would do far better than the polls suggested. But I certainly didn’t think for one moment that we would be in a worse position than we started this foolish fiasco. I am not sure whether May can survive this. Her authority is haemorrhaging. She has no mandate to speak of. The Lords will have fun and games with Brexit. And the Eurocrats will delight in her humiliation. Well at least ‘strong and stable’ has been replaced by ‘fuck up means fuck up’.

It won’t be long before the recriminations start. Crosby will need to clear his reputation. Winning elections is his business. Prepare for a bloodbath in the Sundays. The gruesome twosome will be much diminished and we might just have some collective decision making for a change. Although, as we will be propped up by the ghastly DUP, I just wonder what can fly in the Queen’s speech. Not a lot. Five years of doing bugger all is not exactly something to sell to the electorate. Oh, one thing you can be sure of, May will never be allowed to fight another election.

At least I got two predictions right. Ruth Davidson would give Sturgeon a bloody nose. And the Lib Dems would gain some seats. Ruth is a human whirlwind as well as a very human being. She is now in a very powerful position. She has saved May’s bacon. Anything she wants for Scotland she will get. If only she was leading the Conservatives. It’s a pipe dream, but she would be wonderful. Like May, Sturgeon’s authority is draining away. Forget about another referendum. It’s dead in the water. The union is safe. God bless Queen Ruth.

So let’s see whose tanks are on May’s lawn. Davis and Fallon will be giving interviews all over the weekend. Bozo will stay at the FO. She needs him onside.

The other interesting thing about the election is that the Tory press were ignored by the punters. Perhaps proprietors might appreciate that they don’t have as much influence as they think. No, of course they won’t. But the Mail will start gunning for May, the Telegraph will fall out of love and the Speccy will become very sniffy. It really is the beginning of the end for her. Six months tops.

I remember asking Merlyn Rees (former Labour Home Secretary) how he and Callaghan kept their minority government afloat. ‘Me and Jim just toured the tearoom and bars and asked the boys what they wanted.’ So if you see a white van outside Number 10 you can be assured that it contains the pork barrel. Cash will be thrown at Ulster like confetti. And Brexit? I suspect that the end is nigh.

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