Primark's knob, Street Porter's shame & my sacandalous behaviour on a train

25 Sep 2016 at 13:25

I haven’t made up my mind which is more shocking, Brooks Primark trying to copywrite photos of his todger or Janet Street Porter having to pay a former lover to give back a Polaroid of her performing a ‘sex act’. For those not in the know this is Fleetstreeteese for a blow job. It’s really quite a terrifying thought as Janet is blessed with a set of gnashers that could core an apple through a tennis racquet. The recipient of her favours must have ended up with a willy like a skinned rabbit; a bridge too far. At the very least the photo the Bobbitized little thing should been donated to the Royal College of Reconstructive Surgeons to be passed round at their Christmas drinks party.

I have never understood why people take photos of their cocks. It is quite widespread I am told. But it is bound to fall into the wrong hands. MPs are always flattered by the number of followers they have on social media. They think it is a sign of their importance. To a certain extent it is. The the press are not interested in the fact that they have just opened a school, visited a hospital or their thoughts on the war in Syria. We just lay in wait for that drunken rant that appears after midnight at party conference or the accidental favouriting of a porn site. Poor old Primark will never stop those pictures appearing. He can’t disinvent them. And he has just given a long forgotten story legs or I suppose texticles. How does he classify them? ’Primark’s penis at ease…..standing to attention….in the cold…..poking out of the Paisley Jim jams?’ Some old boy is going to have to go through the lot and catalogue them. Of course we won’t be entitled to see them, which is good news for the splendid Rod Liddle who is kept up at night with ectoplasmic nightmares of the Primark todger floating Casperlike though his bedroom ducking and diving like Marley’s ghost. But the little chap will be described in great detail to ensure what precisely we aren’t allowed to see. It will be a field day for lawyers and create quite a lot of subpoenas envy I fear.

But thank heavens there was no social media nor camera phones when I was an MP. There is one event that still sends shivers down my spine and turns my bowels to water when I think about it. I was on a train my way home after a refreshing dinner and was trying to read my Evening Standard but was being constantly interrupted by a couple of rather pissed girls who recognised me.‘Please let me read my paper in peace,’ I begged. ‘Alright then, just give us your autograph’. Well, that was an easy one.‘Of course,’ I benignly smiled whipping out a biro. Then to the squeals of their delight I realised I had fallen into a trap. ‘On our tits!!!!’ they giggled as they lifted their tops. And, do you know, I did. The thought of it.

Although not quite in the same vein let us turn to a knob to end all knobs, a prince within the Kingdom of the knoberatti, a testosterone fuelled bundle of blubber where women of a certain age swoon at the sight of the sizeable bulge in his wallet. Well, Paul Hollywood’s wallet is now bulging to the tune of £7 million. I can’t say I blame him for jumping on board Channel 4’s Great British Rake Off. He is only fifty and you only get that chance of a pot of gold once in a lifetime. But the MAIL has already made him a pantomime villain alongside Sir Shifty Green. ‘Greedy Rat’ coupled with a photo of a greedy looking Hollywood. Actually, I feel a bit sorry for him. But I suppose you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few egos.

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May's humour is no laughing matter and what happens if the infinite improbability drive is engaged

17 Sep 2016 at 12:28

I wonder how long it will be before Tory backbenchers will be whispering over large gins how much they miss David Cameron. He was one of those rare beasts; a politician comfortable in his own skin. Like Blair he commanded the Chamber with a mixture of arrogance and charm. Sometimes he would lose his rag. But when you have Peter Bone, Bill Cash, Nadine Dorries and Andrew Brigden who think that being on your side means behaving like political Millwall supporters, it’s a minor miracle that he didn’t leap from the despatch box and throttle them. He also made an effort to roam the bars and dining rooms to chat up his backbenchers. Even the most bird brained want the thrill of boring a comatose constituency audience of his last pearls of wisdom to the PM. But it didn’t always work. One SPAD from the Amish wing moaned to me over dinner how patronising Cameron was to them at a drinks do. ‘He actually thanked us for all our hard work’, he squealed in horror, a vein doing a tango on his forehead. Perhaps Cameron should have just told them to fuck off and die.

Theresa May is a rather a different personality. She is more of a laugh than Thatcher, but that bar was never set very high. But my heart sank when May made it a virtue that she wasn’t someone who would roam the bars and dining rooms. Worse, that she didn’t gossip about colleagues. Well, if she didn’t gossip she certainly had her Beria collecting information about them. The May team never forgets nor forgives those who have briefed against their mistress. That is why Gove will never ever return to the front bench. So she relies heavily on her convivial PPS George Hollingberry to charm and reassure the troops. Anyone who has had to have the police called twice in the night to a birthday party to tell them to keep down the noise can’t be all bad. Unless you live next door. However, those who are in public office and are either anti May or sleep walking through their jobs, beware. She has appointed a Snitch Finder General (actually a retired colonel) who will shortly present madam with a list of those to be culled.

If I was in Team May I wouldn’t be too worried that she is pretty awful at the despatch box. Yet. Thatcher was terrible to begin with, but after a few years she used PMQs as a personal entertainment to torture and pummel her opponents. But that was after she had won two elections, a war and enjoy large simpering majorities, which works wonders for self confidence. May should just come to terms with her limitations and turn them into strengths. She is not a natural wit, so cut out the dreadfully laboured attempts at humour. It’s not a good idea if you are a magician to keep pulling dead rabbits out of a hat. Just play it straight. Be yourself. Alright, you were elected not just because you weren’t that ghastly Loathsome woman but because you are competent, steely and know what you are doing. Have a few one liners up your sleeve, but Mrs May please no more jokes as I fear for the health of parliamentary sketch writers. Already attendants have instructions to remove ties, belts, shoe laces and ropes with nooses from the poor dears. At last Wednesdays PMQs poor Quentin Letts was found in a catatonic trance, his Mont Blanc frozen in the air, not even able to finish the t in twat.Nothing could shake him out of it. Only a cunning Patrick Kidd managed to briefly bring a flicker of light back into his eyes by whispering that Dacre had cleared last month’s expenses. But as soon as he heard May promise to defend Christmas he went out like a light. We may never see him again.

But then there is the other George, the Young Pretender Osborne. He is the last surviving big beast. He is not going to sit back and allow his legacy to be trashed. And he is still brimming with ambition. If she tries to water down the Northern Powerhouse or HS2, there will be serious repercussions. She would be very, very wise not to make any more of an enemy out of him. She may be a ‘bloody difficult woman’, but he is a professional assassin with an impressive kill rate.

What I find so confusing are the mixed messages coming out of No10. There were briefings that Hinckley C was to be reviewed for cost and security reasons which are actually valid concerns. But that just pissed off the Chinese and put into jeopardy the trade deals that we are grovelling for. Now it appears that we are going ahead. And what is the position on HS2? The chief executive read the runes and did a runner. This is a hell of a lot of investment and all the job implications that flow from it. If it’s going to be scrapped for heaven sake make a decision and tell us. But it would be a gift for Labour. And I see that Liz Truss has announced the green light for a British Bill of Human Rights. This wizard idea has had more comebacks than Frank Sinatra. It will, of course, never happen as civil servants have warned every Justice Secretary that it is unworkable, meaningless, bollocks. But she has to go through the motions before it is thrown back into the long grass.

And then there is Brexit meaning…….‘er, um, can I phone a friend?’ Nobody has a clue. They know what they want and deep,down they know that they have as much chance of getting it as the Eagle sisters winning a gold in the coxless pairs. I wonder how long before the penny really drops.

When you walk into Downing Street there is a heavily guarded door on the right. If you manage to get through security you will find an enormous vault. And inside protected by criss cross of laser beams, poisonous snakes and a pool of crocodiles is a big red button marked Article 50. A few have broken in and tried to press it. A dreadful little man called Dyson who so strongly believes in Britain that he moved his work force to Malaysia in solidarity keeps on trying. The rest are a sad bunch who are always being sectioned. One day someone might just press it just for fun or Bozo fall onto it after a good night out. But what will happen? Nobody really knows, I suspect that it will be like the Infinite improbability drive in the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Let me explain for those not in the know. When you press the button an incredible range of highly improbable things can happen. Known effects include the the creation and spontaneous upending of a million gallon vat of custard, the transformation of a couple of nuclear missiles into a sperm whale and a bowl of Petunias and turning a number of people into penguins.

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Fire up the Austen Healey May wants to drive us back to the fifties. But I expect she'll swap it for a Dodge

11 Sep 2016 at 10:41

I still can’t make up my mind why May has decided to launch a policy so flawed and so politically and socially divisive as resurrecting grammar schools. I have an infallible test for whether a policy is a turkey or not. Is Peter Hitchens in favour of it? Not only is the Hitch creaming in his jeans at this piece of lunacy, Emma Nicholson is re ratting back to the Tories because of it. This spells catastrophe.

I am glad the eminently sensible Nicky Morgan was the first of the former education secretaries to hold her hands up in horror. I now understand why May removed her. But it will make it easier for Michael Gove to put the boot in tomorrow when Justine Greening announces her green paper. Nobody will be able to make the charge of sour grapes stick.

We should celebrate grammar schools as centres of excellence. But don’t let’s pretend that they are engines social mobility. They are not. Just look at the studies made in areas such as Kent. They have become middle class ghettos. Property prices are always higher near a grammar school. What do they do to give a deprived kid a foot on the ladder to academic let alone employment success? Precious little.

And then there is selection, which I find deeply offensive. In the seventies I taught at a secondary modern school. It was a depressing experience. These kids had been thrown on the scrap heap and they knew it. Grammar schools will herald a new class system. We will be creating a new elite.

All the evidence points to the success of academies and free schools as the real engines of social mobility, rigour in exams, discipline in the classrooms and good academic results. This will now be thrown into confusion and turmoil. There is only a limited supply of money. The fear is that it will now be sucked away from the many to the few. Are the creation of new academies and free schools to be put on hold or do they spend limited resources to ‘upgrade’ to a grammar? Heaven knows. The key to a good education for all is a great head who motivates his teachers. The May proposals are about structure, not substance. It is a terrible distraction from policies that are beginning to work. Worse, the Conservative party and the country are still horribly divided after the referendum. This will split us even more. And there is no guarantee that there is a majority for it in the Commons. As this is not mandated as a manifesto commitment the Lords will be free to butcher any legislation. It will be a massacre as you can’t swing a cane in the place without hitting a former education secretary.

So why is May setting herself up for a humiliating battle which she won’t win? Is it a distraction from the deepening row over Brexit lite? Is it a growl to the Tory right (remember Brady was sacked by Cameron for proposing a similar policy)? I really don’t know. But what I do know is that Bozo is on manoeuvres whilst Davis and Fox are floundering around in the dark. Bozo is up to his old tricks. A supportive speech coupled with an explosive briefing. Then followed by a round media appearances pledging loyalty to his leader with mystified shrugs as to why anyone could think of him of having a disloyal bone in his body. This must make Gove white with fury and make Cameron snort with nostalgic mirth.

The May honeymoon is now over. You can appear to be tough slapping down the Brexit trinity a few times, but if you do it too often you aren’t in control. It’s going to get rough and dirty and as Tories tend to be a pretty spineless bunch they will start attacking May’s brain, Nick Timothy. Simon Walters has already compared him to Rasputin. As Nick doesn’t have the power to cure haemophilia nor have a thirteen inch penis it’s not a great comparison; but he does have a beard so this might stick. I hope he has the skin of a rhino as he should expect a piece in the Mail (probably by Glover) saying that he is unelected and has far to much influence. And lots of anonymous Tories saying that his wings should be clipped.

So it appears that May wants to fire up the Austen Healey and take us back to the fifties. I suspect that she is more likely manoeuvre herself into a Ford Dodge.

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The words of wisdom of loopy Loathesome who is destroying political satire

3 Sep 2016 at 09:54

I am not for the first time a little confused. The press are obsessed with squabbling Brexiteers Johnson, Davis and Fox which is all rather dull and predictable. Why should anyone get worked up about civil servants finding space for Mr Davis’s department in Penge? What is all this fuss about Mr.Fox’s office being in a disused foreign office coal bunker used to store French cheese? And want a splendid piece of diplomacy of Bozo to send the President of Turkey a copy of his book on Churchill bound in goatskin. Of course this is just a load of bollocks that I have made up, but in these comedic political times it is entirely believable. Come on hacks this is still the silly season. And none is more sillier that Defra secretary Andrea Loathesome. For the last hour (I’m bored) I have been searching the internet for her words of wisdom. Wow!!! You couldn’t make this stuff up. It is beyond parody. So let us begin our treat with a little trip down Loathesomeorabilia Lane. And I promise you all of it is true.

At the Guardian Brexit debate in May Miss L gave us a forensic insight into how British farming should be managed.
“It would make much more sense if those with the big fields do the sheep and those with the hill farms do the butterflies. That would make much more sense for the UK and it’s perfectly possible but only if we leave the EU and sort it out for ourselves.”
Poor old fell shepherds and their Herdwick flocks. Looks as if you’ll be relocated to some big fields near Basildon. Anyhow, farmers will be delighted that in her blog on the 28th February 2007 her informed view was, “subsidies must be a abolished.” Phew, bloody good job she is not in charge of farming then.

But the thoughts of Chairman L are not confined to farming. Oh, no. On the 27 October 2015 after David Cameron had had the genius idea of making her an energy minister, her address to the All Party Group on gas and oil was reported in that page turner of a magazine Drill and Drop.
“When I first came to my job one of my two questions was, ’ is climate change real?’ And the other question was is hydraulic fracturing safe?’ I am now completely persuaded.”
This clearly caused panic in the press office who came to her rescue.
“She was making the point that climate skepticism ( depressingly this is their spelling) still exists and that it is important to understand the facts.” Quite so.

And I wouldn’t have thought that she would be invited over for tea by David Davis too often after her revelation in 2006,
“The child of a single parent family is 70% more likely (than the child of a two parent family) to have problems at school and even be a drug addict or a criminal”

But her latest gift to us is that she is very keen ‘to un ban fox hunting…..out of concern for animal welfare.’ Those foxes will be deeply grateful to be ripped to pieces accompanied to the entitled braying of the monied classes. Never mind farming, this bloody woman is destroying satire. I can’t wait for the farming debate at party conference. The splendid Patrick Kidd will have a field day.

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Listen to the word of G'OD while the unholy trinity bicker. Brexit the constitutional position

29 Aug 2016 at 08:47

It is a very good idea if you are a politician to listen to GOD. I don’t mean in the Blair/Bush gift of tongues sense or the Amish Tories snake handling cult. I am talking about former cabinet secretary Gus O’Donnell. He gave a structured and thoughtful interview to the TIMES the other day which is both pragmatic and realistic. It’s about whether May can trigger Article 50 without recourse to Parliament. His answer was probably, but warned that it was politically unwise. Yesterday I warned that there would be a constitutional crisis if May used a prerogative order to steam roller it through. There were screams of outrage and abuse from the usual suspects. Let me explain the constitutional and political options. They are pretty bloody obvious but there are a lot of people who really want shut their eyes, stick their fingers in their ears and sing la la la.

Firstly, May is no fool. She will not make any public utterances on how to trigger article 50 until the courts have ruled. And she will not make a public decision on when it will be triggered until cabinet has agreed a position on how to interpret the referendum. And that cannot be reached until the unholy trinity (Johnson, Davis, Fox) know what they want and if they can get it. At the moment they can’t agree on the basics such as staffing. Or quite how much they dislike each other. Then there is the Treasury. It is a naïvety to the point of drivelling say that they must be aloof from the discussions. Their duty is to protect and grow the economy which has to include financial services. The City is under serious threat from France and Germany.

The truth of the matter is that after decades of preparation the Brexiteers haven’t a clue what to do. The purists say that there is a great big red button which must be pushed NOW and all will be well. But this is blind happy clappy faith and not based on a shred of evidence. They don’t trust May and soon they will accuse Boris of going native, which he has with great aplomb. And anyway it was for GOVERNMENT to have a contingency plan. Really? When they warned that it would be a quagmire of shifting quick sands, impenetrable fog and nigh impossible to get a deal which was not damaging for the UK? In true Trumpian style they smell betrayal and establishment sell out at every word uttered from government. Their hatred of all things Brussels overrides any practical common sense. And compromise is a dirty word.

The constitutional position is easier than most people think. Parliament is sovereign. MPs are not delegates, they are representatives of their constituents. The people are only sovereign at elections. They elect their representatives to make decisions using their judgement and consciences. If the people don’t approve they hook them out. So although Parliament can ignore an advisory referendum which is not binding, but they would be unwise to do so.
So May can trigger the point of no return by prerogative order. In other words using the power of the Queen. She would have to sign it and she would be brought into a deeply unpleasant political row which could threaten the continuation of the monarchy. Of course, it is only convention that the Queen allows the government to use her prerogative powers. Technically she could refuse. But then she is brought into another political row. Best left well alone. I suspect that May will give Parlaiment a simple vote to trigger article 50. It will be government policy and heavily whipped. But will she get it though? It could be argued that this is a vote of confidence in the government. Failure could trigger an election. Tricky one.

It is impossible for Parliament to be bypassed over Brexit. They will have to vote on the abolition of the European Communities Act. They would have to vote on which Brussels regulations to bin or keep. They would have to vote on flotillas of orders, treaties and the very shape of any deal that may or may not be achieved. It is going to devour Parliamentary time for years.

GOD’s question is a good one. What if there is clear evidence that Brexit going to be an economic disaster a couple of years down the line? Should not the people have the right to have some say either in an election or a referendum? Of course. But now is not the time.

And do not underestimate the overweening vanity and ambition of Fromage. He will call the government to account. He will return. He will promise that only he can lead us into the promised land. At the moment UKIP is rudderless and pointless. The only way to breathe back life into it is to play the betrayal card. And then Tory backbenchers will do what they are best at. Panic.

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Abbott lectures May on obesity. Bozo, Fox & Davis in the CBB house and whether Brexit really does mean Brexit

20 Aug 2016 at 09:10

As I have just returned from my beautiful daughter’s and her handsome husband’s fantastic wedding in Kephalonia I have quite a bit of catching up to do. The cheering news is that political satire is not entirely dead and buried. When I read that the well upholstered Diane Abbott is lecturing May over the dangers of obesity I rolled my eyes piewards. And then I saw the Guardian’s attack on the big bellied, wee weinered statue of the hideous Trump in NYC as, ‘ageist and body shaming’, I had to slip into a new pair of Calvin Kleins.

But apart from that bit of light relief and the good news at the Olympics the world is in a more dangerous place than I can ever remember. The intellectual flabbiness of the US elections is sphincter rattlingly depressing. On the one hand we have a sociopath demagogue and on the other somebody who is not always BFF with the truth. And all the while Putin is dividing Europe, undermining NATO (with a lot of help from Trump and Corbyn who don’t understand our Treaty obligations), outgunning and outdisinformationing us. To make matters worse the wonderful country of Turkey is in the grips of a Stalinesque purge by another dangerously sociopathic demagogue who is now close to Putin. Worryingly, the CIA have hard evidence that the ‘coup’ was set up by Erdogan himself. God know what they will do with it. Well, as I know about it I can guess.

One certainty is that Labour as a centre left, election winning, pro Parliamentary democracy party is dead. The Party conference will just be its obituary notice and the coronation of St Jeremy. The Trots have taken over and cannot be moved. A new grouping will emerge under Tom Watson who, if they become the second largest party in the Commons, will be the official opposition with all the cash and trappings that go with it. Corbyn’s mob will just become a little cult paid for by the Unions.If this happens alarm bells should start ringing at No10. Watson is a wily operator, will hire the soon to be purged officials, and would be seen as a brave warrior. Moderation of a sort will return as will the money men. The moderates are in the last chance saloon and its drinking up time.

I think that I am beginning to understand how the No10 operation is working. May gets her team to put out an announcement which we all think is bonkers and then we realise a few days later, after the press have had a feeding frenzy, that there is a cunning logic to it. First there was the appointment of Fox, Johnson and Davis to oversee Brexit. They all despise each other and are indulging in not too subtle character assassinations. May issued a warning that this must stop. This shows her as strong, determined and in charge whilst the Breiteers are just squabbling over status and staff. The Foreign Office is still a Rolls Royce operation and is experienced in seeing off these sort of turf wars.
A couple weeks ago I had lunch with some very senior FO mandarins. I asked them how Bozo was doing and their answer rather shocked me.‘After the initial shock he has gone down rather well. They all hated Hammond and thought Hague a bit of a waste of space. But Boris charms them, speaks languages and is being forced to use his formidable intellect.’ He has also won his spurs by seeing off the first power grabs by Davis and Fox. But don’t underestimate those two. Bozo has very little experience of the Whitehall Byzantium. Those boys know every trick in the book. And the cherry on the cake was putting them all in the CBB house of Chevening. Delicious. Who will crack first.
And then was the announcement that the creation of new grammar schools was being considered. This caused the Amish wing of the party to ejaculate into the air like crazed Jihadists with AK47s. I thought that this was seriously flawed as grammar schools do absolutely nothing for social mobility and have become ghettoes for the middle classes. And then a few days later there was another announcement. That if there were to be more grammar schools there should be no more than twenty and only in working class areas. Now that was good politics. I haven’t quite worked out the logic of the abandonment of our perfectly sensible anti obesity policy when we know that many kids will soon predecease their parents. My first instinct is that this is a costly error of judgement. But if my thesis is correct I expect to see something more sensible emerging in the Sundays.

Lastly, ‘Brexit means Brexit’. Yet does it? I would be amazed if article 50 is triggered before the French and German elections. And I wouldn’t be surprised if we waited until after a new Commission is installed in 2019. This could be to be the only way we can get a deal. But what if we can’t? What if the world just tells us to quietly fuck off. What if Nissan does pull out of Sunderland with 40,000 jobs? What if the economy really does take a nose dive? Nobody could criticise May for lack of commitment, effort and putting the most committed Brexiteers in control of our destiny. The truth is nobody has a clue whether a saleable deal can be done. And there is an outside chance that Brexit will never happen.

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Today something momentous happened in British politics but nobody noticed. Watch out for More United and Paddy Ashdown. This could be a game changer.

24 Jul 2016 at 11:59

Something rather momentous happened this morning which went largely unnoticed. Whisked in at the last moment into the Marr studio Paddy Ashdown launched a new political movement, More United. Well, not so much as a launch as a cry for help. For now.

There have been whispers of a realignment of British politics since Corbyn and his goons hijacked the Labour Party. The sad truth is that Labour has died as a Parliamentary movement and has become an agit prop revolutionary cult. There is almost a Messianic belief that the only way to achieve real socialism is to take to the streets and social media. Well, that may not achieve anything much except to give a sense of purpose to the dispossessed with a visceral hatred for capitalism and Parliamentary democracy. And they are a scary bunch. That MPs and their staff face threats and personal abuse both physical and on social media from Corbynista henchmen is scary. That these people also stoke up anti semitism is terrifying. What I cannot make my mind up over is whether Corbyn is aware what his supporters are doing in his name. It’s all very well condemning threats, violence and anti semitism but it’s a waste of time unless you do something about it. The problem is that he lives within the bubble of the mob where he is feted. And the unofficial line is that this is a clever bit of PR from the Portman Group run by wicked Blairites. It would be laughable were it not so tragic.

It’s pretty damn obvious why the coup will be a miserable failure. MPs have not grasped that Corbynistas regard Parliamentary democracy as a means to an end. They honestly thought that by a mass resignation from the shadow cabinet it would somehow shame Corbyn to do the decent thing and go. Bonkers. He now has spokesmen in his own image. So then Eagle had a crack at the same psychology. Tom Watson went to see the unions to stitch a deal. Disaster. So now they are left with Owen Smith a former PR man for drugs companies who makes Tim Farron sound exiting. He will be lynched with his severed head placed on a spike outside Labour HQ as a warning. Conference will be stuffed with Corbynistas who will pass barmy motions making Labour unelectable. And then one by one moderate MPs will be thrown to the wolves. So what do they do? There is no point in waiting quietly for death and hoping to be spared. They are walking the red mile already as their constituency parties have been infiltrated. A split is inevitable. They have two choices. Set up a moderate party using the infrastructure of the Cooperative movement. Or they could have a close look at More United. And what about the Lib Dems? Don’t give them a second thought as they make Mickey Mouse look like a political colossus.

Then there is May’s Tory party. She strikes just the right note. She has had a good week where she dominated the chamber. But she has a majority of just sixteen. As I predicted it didn’t take long before the purists started making demands. Well, twenty four of them had breakfast (I imagine it was a full English with Wiltshire headbangers) in dining room B. So if you think that the Tory party would suddenly transform into a cuddly loyal bunch of May poodles you really need to get some counselling. The problem that Patrick McLoughlin has is to grapple with the uncomfortable truth that that the Tories only have about 150,000 members with an average age of sixty eight, with two thirds to the right of Genghis Khan. Somehow he (Patrick, as Ghenghis is sadly unavailable) needs to make them look moderate, relevant and in touch. Quite a tall order. So are we going to see any Tory MPs casting a sly glance at Paddy Ashdown’s ankle? Highly unlikely. At the moment. But they could leech Tory voters on the Remain wing.

We live in a age of distrust of professional politicians. And we have a bitterly divided nation. More United should not be written off as a gimmick. In many ways they resemble the old SDP. Pro European moderates with no party allegiances who want to heal the nation with motherhood and apple souffle. Before you scoff, remember that the SDP attracted about 30 Labour MPs to cross the floor when the Bennites took control. And they posed one hell of a threat to the Tories. We don’t know too much about them so far, but we will. Very soon.

Rather worryingly for Tim Farron, Ashdown did not rule putting up More United candidates against the Lib Dems. All this is is a long way off as is the election. But if you can hear a gentle grinding sound in the background it is the tectonic plates of British politics beginning to move. Any politician underestimates Paddy Ashdown at their peril.

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Liz Truss has been given an unfair monstering. Give her a chance.

21 Jul 2016 at 20:12

Now that I have had time to calm down after the reshuffle and reflect, I am far more optimistic. David Davis as a former minister for Europe under John Major is a sensible choice to lead us out of the EU. He will work well with Liam Fox who fought an honourable Brexit war. And Bozo? I still can’t make up my mind whether this was a clever ruse to destroy him or an act of criminal insanity. I doubt whether he will last a year. Leadsom had to be given something and Defra, with farmers terrified about their incomes, is really in the hands of Hammond at the Treasury. She is just the window dressing. A sensible move Hammond. It was always thought that he would do a job swap with Osborne. But things have moved on. In politics dullness coupled with a safe pair of hands is an advantage.

But what does Brexit really mean? We are going to have to be grown up about this. The awkward squad will scream for purity and they won’t get it. May, Davis and Fox will face them down. We are a trading nation and deals have to be done. The Commission may squeal that they can be no pre article 50 negotiations but their power is evaporating. It is the Council of Ministers that call the shots. And there is a very arguable case that the Commission should be relegated to what they should really be, namely not a law commissioning body, but a secretariat. It is in the interests of Europe and stability that the Council of Ministers take over that role.

But back to more parochial thoughts. Liz Truss is rather unfairly getting a hard time. She has a lot of reading in to do. Yet Lord Faulks, a Minister at the MOJ since 2014 resigned because he is worried that she won’t stand up for the rule of law and the independence of the judiciary. What rank hypocrisy. This bloody man, whose second name is ‘Lawless’ (honest), served under Chris Grayling, the most dangerous, appalling destroyer of all that that is good in our justice system. Did Faulks resign? Did he stand up for the rule of law? Did he support the beleaguered judiciary? Did he try and stop the destruction of the independent bar and high street solicitors? Did he fuck. Best he spends more time with his very well paid briefs.

My view about Truss is exactly the same as it was with the appointment of Gove. Give her a chance. Speak to the judges, the bar and solicitors. Spend a day a week in courts. See how the system is creaking. Listen. We can tell you how to save money and make the system work. She will be horrified at what she sees. CPS lawyers have 150 cases in their charge. Each. Review hardly exists. Not through incompetence; just lack of time and resources. The real heroes are the case workers. They work unsociable hours just to get the show on the road. But most of the time the scenery either wobbles or just falls apart. The only way the system has even a pretence of working is through the goodwill of the bar and judges. And solicitors? Working on an almost impossibly tight budget. Some firms have just given up. This is not a scream for an increase in fees. That won’t happen. But justice must be served. And done. Legal aid has all but disappeared in family matters. Who has contact with the children and how? Litigants in person, whey faced, distraught with no legal advice. Who could lose their kids. It is bordering on a national disgrace. Truss needs time to get to grips with this. And we should give her a chance.

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Britain is really a Truman Show social experiment for the Chinese. But who is real and who is an actor?

16 Jul 2016 at 08:49

I have finally worked out what is really happening. Britain doesn’t have a real government nor a Parliament at all. We have just become part of a Truman Show televisual social experiment for the Chinese. And it is prime time viewing. Deep in a bunker in Bejing legendary producers think up bizarre plot lines to keep the Chinese viewing public hooked. What makes it so popular is that ordinary people have taken control of the show. There is a very popular nightly spot which roughly translates as What Can Boris Fuck Up Next? So punters get him to do the most bizarre things like write a poem about the president of Turkey shagging a goat or slagging off Obama and both nominees for the presidency. The idea of making him Foreign Secretary was considered as too far fetched by producers. But over 17 million voted for it, so it had to be. It has been a rich source of entertainment, particularly the coup against Erdogan organised by Mark Thatcher. And how they love Andrea Leadsom. Another popular game was What Really Stupid Things Can This Bloody Woman do? It has been a great success. They wanted to make her Prime Minister but that would end the whole show far too quickly. Actually our season ends in 2020 as a new show starts in America. The the latest wheeze is putting her in charge of farming, simply because her only experience is taking her children to a petting zoo in the 1990s. But the real fun will come when our farmers breathe in the fresh air of freedom on the sunny uplands of high tariffs.

But some younger writers have been writing plots which are just too unbelievable. Philip Hammond a long haired, loon panted lothario of the 70s promoting discos from his half office stroke bedroom plying his wild chums with Bacardi and Coke? Oh, come off it. And last night’s announcement by Oliver Letwin that we don’t have any trade negotiators as they all work for the EU was thought be be pushing credibility a tad too much.

The real difficulty is trying to work out who is real and who is a professional actor. People are beginning to suspect that Boris is not the real deal at all with some journalists hinting that he was trained at the Beijing State Circus. The giveaway was when he entered the Foreign Office on a unicycle and sporting that terrible fright wig. It is rumoured that he has an earpiece keeping him in contact with producers. When ratings begin to wobble they scream ‘do something fucking stupid’. And he does. What a pro.

And Leadsom? The talk is that her real name is Leticia Twunt who once auditioned for a part in the Stepford Wives. She fell out with producers over a sporting claim on her CV that she wrote all of Shakespeare’s novels. But her ratings are pretty good.

But even hacks are worried that some of their editors cannot be real either. Paul Dacre is suspected of being a former horror movie actor planted at the MAIL to send a shiver down the nation’s spine. He is really very, very good. And Richard Desmond is beginning to cause concern as it is reported that he bears an uncanny resemblance to a man who escaped from a Beijing asylum for the criminally insane. Nobody can be sure but they always enter his office in twos.

The real mystery is Theresa May. The word on the street is that the real one was kidnapped and replaced by Ann Robinson years ago. Even Gove was unnerved when she sacked him by saying ‘you are the weakest link goodbye’. Now just answer this simple question readers, have you ever seen May and Robinson together? Hah, I thought not.

But I have heard from Heat Magazine that there is talk of Boris being written out by the end of the year. It is going to be spectacular disaster.

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Miss Loathesome's Mars Attack Moment

9 Jul 2016 at 09:37

If I had seriously suggested that Donald Trump would be President, Andrea Leadsom Prime Minister and Jeremy Corbyn leader of the Opposition you would have committed me to a place of safety. But in this Munchian period of world affairs our voters are having great fun in putting the dick into unpredictability. I know, let’s sit down, pour four fingers of finest malt and have a think about this.

So what does Loathesome represent? We don’t know yet, but soon Nick Wood, proprietor of Media Intelligence Partners and former communications chief to IDS, will be telling her. However, we do know whom she represents. The lost tribe of Conservatism. The sort of people who would have been passionate members of the Monday Club. Grizzled old men with more dandruff than a dead badger who would loiter outside party conferences distributing badly printed leaflets screaming for us to get out of the EEC and how immigrants were taking over the country. That would be the ‘steel’. But there would always be the ‘velvet glove of compassion’ in that there would be generous repatriation grants. A land fit for Millwall supporters.

If Bozo was the prisoner of the unacceptable right, Loathesome is its cheer leader. Jean creaming endorsements from Farage and Banks prove that she is the host to their parasite. What decent politician really wants such encouragement? Why bother to elect the KIPPERS? They would effectively be in government. Fromage was quite right when he said that his work was done. His Cuckoo has been just been hatched and chucking the other chicks out of the nest.

When I saw that rag bag of delusionists, no hopers, grudgeesters and those with mild personality disorders marching upon Westminster shouting ‘Leadsom for leader’, thought that it was sad but faintly amusing. And then I had a more sinister thought. These bloody people could be the next government.

It’s a bit like Ufologists who have been mocked all their lives for being slightly weird suddenly discover that a flying saucer really has landed at the bottom of their garden. They are now regarded as the experts. So now the press want answers.
‘So Miss Loathesome all your life you have predicted that there are little green men out there. Tell us, are they hostile and are going to wipe us off the face of the earth or do they come in peace wanting to share their technology with us? Oh, and will you negotiate on behalf of the world? Your great experience as a telephone hygienist and in telesales for your brother in law’s PPI claim firm is invaluable’.
Well, I think we know the answer. In truth she doesn’t have a clue, but egged on by the hopeful dispossessed, desperate for a seat at the table, she will appear before the cameras in her best happy clown makeup (wake up Brookes, Rowson and Bell) and radiate happy bunny, homespun optimism with all the charm of an Essex school dinner lady looking after her rowdy kids.

‘Miss Loathesome why are you so sure that these Martians aren’t armed and will kill, maim and enslave us?’
‘Oh don’t talk our country down. They need us more than we need them. We are heading for the sunny uplands. They will give us their wonderful new technology for free! There may be a few bumps in the road though. Perhaps the elimination of a few major cities like Paris or Berlin. But breath deeply and feel the exhilaration of freedom. Isn’t it wonderful? Of course we can’t let all of the Martians in, but they won’t mind, they respect the fact that although they may have hideous weapons of mass destruction way beyond our comprehension, we are a sovereign nation. Optimism, optimism, optimism, let’s ban pessimism!!!’
At that a young man sporting a Union Jack bow tie, horn rimmed glasses and a face about to explode with acne hands her two feather dusters and presses the guide track for Ken Dodd’s ‘Happiness’. But just as Miss Loathesome is treating an hysterical and damp gussetted crowd to the second verse, nobody notices that a hatch on the spacecraft is slowly opening casting an eerie glow.

To be continued…….

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