Hammond the gelding Chancellor & Stugeon's bad case of premature ejockulation

17 Mar 2017 at 08:21

I am a Tory. I want them to do well. I want May and Davis to negotiate a fantastic deal with Brussels. But I am beginning to to have more faith in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny. I won’t add Andrea Leadsom as she is a fictional character. Nobody that stupid could possibly exist.

The depressing reality is that this government is the most shambolic excuse for a train crash that it has ever been my misfortune to witness. Body parts and mangled carriages litter the track, whilst ministers wander aimlessly around like extras from Shaun of the Dead, but without the menace and sense of purpose. Even more depressing is that Labour is even worse. Rather than condemn the crash they bang on about the inconvenience to railway workers who have to clean up the mess made by the boss class. Give them a pay rise and a day off in lieu. The end.

This government has no sense of timing or irony. Was it such a brilliant idea for May to humiliate Hammond into a sphincter clenching, gonad rattling, climb down on the Ides of March? Well, we will know in about six months time. The briefing against Hammond by Number 10 was predictably disgraceful, but unnervingly effective. May rides high in the opinion polls whilst stocks in the Chancellor are in a death spin. And as for his opposite number John McDonnell? The only politician who is flesh creepingly sinister and makes Gerry Adams look kind and avuncular. McDonnell is like the nasty old uncle who is kept in the attic chained to the bed and only wheeled into the chamber if he wearing one of those Hannibal Lecter masks.

Whether Hammond survives is neither here nor there. Oh, if he goes there will be an orgasmic beltway feeding frenzy, but it will have no lasting implications. The staggering stupidity of Nicgate is the albatross around his neck. If he goes it will not be like Lawson or Howe on a point of principle, but with his tail between his legs. It was skilfully leaked that he was reluctant to reveal the details of his budget until the last moment. And this was his dream job. He will not be an irritant to May and has no following. May has taken over economic policy. Hammond is the gelding Chancellor.

The trouble with this government is that there are no Big Beasts. There are no great apes swinging though the trees and banging their chests. No roaring lions. Not even a stampeding elephant. It’s more like a petting zoo. Sit back, shut your eyes, and think of a really impressive Cabinet minister. Alright, you can wake up now, although you have been asleep for a day. There lies the problem. The only way to grade ministers is by who hasn’t screwed up on major issue. Who could be be a serious contender for the keys of Number 10? Oh, bugger off Bozo. I said serious contender. Go start a war or something.

But if you think Westminster is a palace of inadequacy just have a look at the rest of the UK. Let’s start with Ulster. Dear God, isn’t Arlene Foster a disaster? When Martin McGuiness becomes the voice of reason it’s time to run for the hills. To keep the power sharing executive running and avoid direct rule she will have to stand aside until she is cleared by the inquiry into the Ash for Cash scandal. But will she? Heaven help us if she doesn’t. I hope DUP grey beards will hand her the pearl handled revolver and a bottle of Bushmills.

And what about Scotland? Sturgeon is a loathesome little greaser. She is even more delusional than the Brexiteers. She has a budget deficit of 9.5 % of GDP whilst public spending is £1,200.00 per head more than England and Wales. So the economy is in a nosedive. And if you think you can remain in the EU dear, dream on. You are regarded as separatists. And you have been told by Spain that they would veto Scotland’s application. So just tell the people the truth. Thank heavens for Ruth Davidson, she really is a Big Beast and a delight. All this talk of a referendum is nothing more than premature ejockulation.

Oh, I mustn’t forget Wales. But everyone else has and there lies the problem.

Lastly, the non story of the year. Tories bus in supporters and don’t declare it on local election expenses. All the parties have done that since the dinosaurs roamed the earth. Unless Tower Hamlets style corruption in unearthed there will be no prosecutions. And the public really don’t give a flying fuck