Soames is a national treasure make him leader of the House

22 May 2016 at 09:47

Not a day goes by without me reading a tweet or a quote from the gloriously over the top Nick Soames. It gives me a spring in my step and a song on my lips. What is so exhilarating is that he has reached that stage which politicians rarely reach; he is happy in his own skin. Which of late there is rather less of. The Commons has always been awash with bitterness and probably always will be. Meander through the bars and dining rooms and pass the rotting ship wrecks of political careers. The has beens, the no hopers, the never will bes. Most sit in corners praying for a seat on the Council of Europe, a knighthood and dream of the peerage that will never happen. But Soames sails through the lobbies oblivious of the creeps, the bores, blatherers and plotters hefted to a good lunch with agreeable company. But sometimes some worm crosses his bow and he fires a broadside. James Cleverly is the latest victim. A horribly ambitious toady to the Brexiteers who made a terrible error of judgement by damning Cameron’s renegotiation before it had even been completed. “Fuck off you cunt”, boomed Soames, no doubt trying enjoy a decent claret and a good gossip with a chum. Now Cleverly is probably dopey enough to regard this as a badge of honour, but Soames has a wonderful way of dealing with this. When a reporter (you can imagine the look of total revulsion at the arrival of this ‘vile reptile’) asked about about the incident, the withering reply was simply, ‘not sure I know anyone called Cleverly …….now bugger off.’ Joyous.

On dealing with Brexiteers he gave the dealing with an aggressive Alsatian analogy ‘kick it hard in the balls’. Although he has quite sensibly told the delusional Adam Afriyie (the chap who has been offering sacked ministers jobs in his government) to ‘Fuck off’, he has been gracious to IDS and the worst he has said about Bozo is that he is an ‘ocean going clot’. Heaven knows what his views on Penny Mordaunt’s car crash on Marr this morning. The poor thing was in denial that we have a veto on Turkish accession. What would really piss off Soames as a former soldier and defence minister would be that she as a serving defence minister is slagging off a member of NATO. And where on the Soames Fuckometer will Michael Portillo’s bizarre remarks that the government is sitting on its hands and doing nothing? I suspect that the very mention of the name would lead to a lip curling look of revulsion.

So the robust common sense of a One Nation Tory adds gaiety to a rather dull and earnest House of Commons infected with angry and obsessional backbenchers. After the referendum and a victory for REMAIN let’s give the man his last hurrah. He would be a brilliant leader of the House. Wonderful entertainment, nothing too arduous and time to slope off for a three bottler lunch. Sheer bliss.

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