Poor Grayling is quite delusional in his bid to lead the Brexiteers. It would be tragic if its wasn't so hilarious

14 Jan 2016 at 16:09

A simple question for you. Which has been more disastrous for Britain, the EU or Chris Grayling? Well it’s a bit of a no brainer. Dear old Grayling is not blessed with the little grey cells and has caused endless headaches for Michael Gove who is throwing overboard all Grayling’s hopeless and vindictive policies at the MOJ. This has won Gove brownie points and breathing space. The judiciary and most of the legal profession regard him as rather good news.

When you are as dim and ambitious as the Leader of the House who knows that his head will be on a spike at the next reshuffle, the bronze age brain clanks into over drive to try and dredge for a bit of honour. Boris is now wisely out of the running to lead the Breziteers, Villiers is as charismatic as a peanut and May is far too savvy to rock the boat. So swirling around the emptiness of the Grayling cranium a couple of neurones joined together and produced a plan so cunning that if you put a tail on it you could call it a fox. ’The Brexiteers need a leader and I offer myself, in all humility, to wear the mantle to save our green and pleasant land from Johnny Foreigner and all his garlic infested works. I will write a piece in the telegraph, which will piss off Cameron but not enough for him to sack me. Who could resist my leadership, my charisma, my safe pair of hands. Hear I am". Well, there he is. My advice is to not sit by the telephone.

It may well be that the Outers are so desperate for someone, anyone, to knock the stuffing out of Fromage and that appalling little yob Arron Banks, that they will call for our hero. Lawson is too old and Lamont too loyal to his former SPAD David Cameron. After that who on earth is there? Javid? Highly unlikely. Despite showing a bit of ankle he is very ambitious and would like to be Chancellor in an Osborne government. So we might have the delightful entertainment of Grayling up against Cameron. He might stage a principled resignation. The tabloids will destroy him. I can almost hear the champagne corks popping at Number 10. It would be a tragedy if it wasn’t so hilarious.

But all this is a sideshow compared to the shenanigans of the tussle for the Tory leadership. It is becoming a tad dirty. Osborne has realised that this is going to be a tough fight. He is the darling of the back benches, whilst Boris damp gussets the party faithful. His dilemma is how he can keep Boris off the two candidate ballot. This is not easy and there are manoeuvres from Graham Brady to make it a threesome ballot. This will seriously annoy May who will take her chances as the Iron Maiden candidate.

The problem is that if Boris is not on the ballot the party faithful will go into melt down. But this is all a long way off.

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