The real loser in this election has been Boris. And prepare for an SNP psycho drama.

9 May 2015 at 08:14

There are two very disappointed men in Westminster, Boris Johnson and Graham Brady. This was to be their moment. After a gruelling election where there was no overall majority, a weak and wounded Cameron was to be given the pearl handled revolver and bottle of whisky by the 1922 committee and Boris anointed as the great saviour easing the Tories back into power. It was not to be. Some of us were warning that it was never to be. Some of us remember 1992 and the extraordinary common sense of the British people. And some of us predicted what was to happen.

Boris is the real tragedy. He is stuck in a place that he doesn’t care too much for in a constituency that doesn’t care too much for him. He has not been whisked to greatness. He will have to endure the cruellest punishment of all; serving out the rest of his term as mayor. I may be wrong but Cameron can’t give him a proper job until his mayoralty fizzles to an end. And then what? He is a big beast with no lair. And there are no big vacancies. George Osborne is eying up the curtains of Number 10 which he deserves to inherit and he won’t let Boris anywhere near the centre of power.

So what is to be done with him? That glorious non job of Party Chairman? Perhaps. But does he really want to spend a couple of years on the rubber chicken circuit grinning at swooning Tory matrons? I doubt it. Poor Boris is going to have to do something that he instinctively despises. Work. He is going to have to stalk the bars and the tea rooms sucking up to backbenchers in the hope that one day they will vote for him. Has he got the will, has he got the stamina? Can he be arsed? Schadenfreude for thought.

Cameron’s enemies have not so much been destroyed as seriously wounded. The Labour Party will do what they are best at; wallow in self pity and political genocide. There will be the usual fighting for the soul of the party nonsense and the Blairites will pay off old scores. Tony Blair must be grinning from ear to ear. There was a very good reason that he won three victories. He was not a socialist and didn’t frighten the children and horses. If Andy Burnham is elected as leader it will show that they have learned nothing.

But there will be another psycho drama. There will be a power struggle in the SNP. Sturgeon may be queen of the tartan jungle but in murdering Labour she has been personally responsible for a Conservative government. She must be feeling a bit queasy. And at PMQs every Wednesday someone else will have two questions as of right. If Salmond is not elected as leader of the Parliamentary Party I will be astonished. Who will be calling the shots then?

Sturgeon’s career can only be on a downhill trajectory. The Scots have had a great party. Once the hangover begins one or two people might worry that they are electing a one party state. The Parliamentary elections are in 2016. Labour and the Tories have everything to play for. One of the great triumphs of this election was the feisty and charismatic Ruth Davidson. She is a woman to watch and will be a force to reckon with. She will give Sturgeon a serious headache.

And Cameron? The UKIP monkey is off his back. All this silly talk of them holding the balance of power was always fairy dust. Who is going to lead them? Carswell? Has he the inclination, the will or the stamina? He may be misguided but is basically a decent guy. Cameron would be wise to offer the hand of friendship. He can always re rat. But back to the Prime Minister. He has won an election and will never fight another one. He will be able to leave the political stage with his head held high. Unless there is an almighty fuck up over the EU referendum. Ah, it’s not going to be all wine and roses after all. Do a deal with Juncker and get it out of the way quickly. And pray that the inherent good sense of the British people prevails again. Why on earth do people actually want to be Prime Minister?

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