May will be livid at being called 'once loyal' by Tim Montgomerie

22 Dec 2014 at 18:36

Just as I had thought that John Witherow had unbuckled the final strap of Tim Montgomerie’s canvas jacket and administered the final dose of Maggadone (a fairly painless method of weaning people off of a deadly addiction to Thatcherism), his latest piece in the Thunderer made me realise that he still needs help. And sadly, in this age of austerity, there have been cuts to the Gove Programme of Enlightened Re-education. So it’s going to be a tough Christmas for Monty. The counselling may not be there for him. It could be cold turkey.

And the piece in question? ’Don’t vote for David Cameron at the next election’. You, of course, may vote for him in Witney, but only with fingers crossed and a garland of garlic. Well, thank heavens for that. ‘You might think that your’e voting for a Cameron government, but the Tories may change leader within days of the election and almost certainly within two years. Mr. Cameron may choose to quit himself in 2017, assuming that he is still prime minister. By then he’ll have been Tory leader for a gruelling 12 years. It’s just as likely that he will be forced out earlier. As recent days have shown, the Cameroons are at war with once loyal colleagues such as Theresa May.’

Oh, how Monty’s old bosses such as IDS and O’Patz will be creaming in their jeans! No doubt he will argue that all he is doing is trying to persuade all Cameron haters and swivel eyed Euro carpet biters that they don’t have to fall into the poisonous embrace of the Faragistas. Vote Tory and you can nail that pinko, husky hugging anti-marriager for once and for all.

But this analysis is a fantasy worthy of Kim Wrong Un. Cameron is going to fight for a fair deal from Brussels and he expects Hammond to deliver it for him. And the portents are not at all bad.

And I am certain that Theresa May will be positively glacial as being given a name check as ‘once loyal’. To say that the two camps are at war with each other is fanciful silly season gossip. May is a formidable, successful and valued Home Secretary. There is not a snowball’s chance in hell that Cameron wants her out of the way. Like David Young she does not bring him problems, only solutions. She is an asset and a vote winner. Day by day she shoots a KIPPER fox and like a gamekeeper hangs them outside the Home Office.

The problem the Tories have at the moment is entourage creep. Some little boys at No 10 are furious that she is getting such rave reviews and some of the little boys at the Home Office are not helping her cause with silly briefings. I would imagine that Cameron is irritated by the scribblers who are looking for splits, plots and bids. And so he should be. Labour is in disarray, they have no credible economic policy, Milband is a joke and Balls a thug in denial. Even better, the KIPPERS are being found out for what they really are and Farage is in a hole at the controls of a JCB digger.

Perhaps that is what is worrying the right. There is a real possibility that Cameron will win with a working majority. The horror of it all! And now the mantra is that it is all George Osborne’s doing. Bonkers. If Cameron is stuffed so is he.

If there are any manoeuvres going on at the Home Office I would be amazed if May doesn’t put the kibosh on them. She would be foolish not to.The last thing that she wants is to be blamed for division. She was party chairman and knows that the voters and the grass roots despise it.

Now a radical thought. Why don’t the entourages bugger off for Christmas and maintain a vow of silence? Perhaps indulge in a New Years resolution only to brief the press about unity and successful policies. If not there should be sackings on all sides. An election victory is becoming more possible each day. It would be bordering on the criminal to sabotage it.

And as for Monty? I am sure that intensive counselling can be made available. In the festive spirit I will send him a bottle of Maggadone myself.