The Tory party has always been a broad church, but until today the puritans snake handlers and fake miracle workers have been running a freak show. Now it’s time for something different. And you won’t get more different than Kemi Badenoch. Feisty, principled, authentic and doesn’t suffer fools gladly. She will not be short of advice, but let an old hand proffer some.
Surround yourself with people who you can trust to tell you when you are wrong or more importantly when they think you are wrong. There are too many craven weasels in politics who will tell you what they think you want to hear. They are the seeds of any leader’s downfall. You will be accused of cronyism. That’s no bad thing so long as they really want you to succeed. And have a gatekeeper who is liked and trusted.
Don’t be paranoid about the press. John Major had a miserable life as leader because he took to heart some of the crap that was written about him. Remember that Bernard Ingham was very fussy about which cuttings he showed Margaret Thatcher.
But a golden rule. Do not lie to the press. They will destroy you. There are some journalists you can trust though. But not too many.
Appoint telegenic spokes people. Give the new kids on the block a chance. Instruct them to answer questions directly and make lines to take, human and believable.
Remember your USP is authenticity. Ignore the siren cries of image consultants. As soon as I see you making un-Kemi hand gestures or trying to look statesman like I will know you have gone onto the dark side. And for God’s sake don’t accept any gifts of clothes or anything else. If someone offers you a plane, a summer holiday or anything resembling a freebie remember that they want something in return. Have someone do due diligence on every party donor.
Bring in a big beast as party chairman. They will be shocked at how badly CCHQ is run. They always are. Have a re-think about how the message is delivered. And turn the place into a fighting machine ready for an election at a moment’s notice. It rarely is. But an election could come within three years.
Appoint a well liked captain of industry to head up fund raising. The budget has been a disaster for Labour who don’t understand business. Raising money is going to be easier than is usually the case after a massive defeat.
Set up policy groups of politicians and experts. The yardstick must be basic Conservative instincts coupled with what is deliverable. But keep your powder dry. Any good ideas they come up with will be stolen by your opponents.
There are only 121 Conservative MPs. Give each one of them something to do. Charm them. Pop into the tea room, and the Members dining room at least once a week. Listen to them. Go to their constituencies. Make them feel important and do not under any circumstances, any circumstances, make them feel that you are talking down to them or suggest that they are barking mad. Sadly some of them are.
Write to to every candidate who lost at the last election. Top & tail and personalise each one. They are still shell shocked and bewildered. Most are struggling to get a job. Make them feel a valued part of the Conservative family. At times like these a proper note from the Leader boosts morale. Some will be coming back and won’t forget acts of kindness.
The Shadow Cabinet must look fresh and exciting and bubbling with a passion to get back into power. That is what the Conservatives party used to be for.
Try and build up a youth section who aren’t freakingly weird. This will be a challenge.
But your biggest headache will be what to do with Jenrick. He conducted a foul campaign through surrogates. But he can’t be thrown overboard. Better him pissing out than pissing in. Hug him so close that it will suck the political life out of him. This will be an even more difficult challenge. Shadow Foreign Secretary would keep him out of harms way. And he is bound to fuck it up. Tom Tugendhat is worth considering as Shadow Home Secretary as long as you can stop him from being so cringingly pompous. He actually has a good heart
It has been factored in that this will be a white knuckled ride on the political roller coaster. Do your best to enjoy it. There will be leaks. There will be disloyalty. There will be plots. Rise above it all. Don’t retreat into the bunker spitting blood. Just remember who the shits are.
The Conservative Party is in the last chance saloon and it’s drinking up time. Try not to shoot the clientele.
Lastly, remember that Starmer takes himself very, very seriously. He has no sense of humour against himself. Exploit that weakness and that fact that he is more scared of his Parliamentary party than he is of you.
Enjoy. You will be brilliant.