Camhaven is just an excuse for the Brextards to twist the knife cheered on by the tax havened press

10 Apr 2016 at 10:30

What a disgrace that the Prime Minister is a wealthy man. How disgusting that his mother gifted him £200,000. And what a dodge if she has the audacity to live a few more years allowing him to escape paying tax. Whipping, flogging and decapitation is too good for him. Let’s hound him out of office. Let’s eradicate from history all mention of his name and wicked works. And (this is when the Cameron haters become particularly tumnescent) let’s install a true Conservative as leader. Sadly, the Amish wing of the party cheered on by the tax havened right wing press, have pressed the self destruct button.

Can’t someone just throw a bucket of cold water on them? Don’t they see that they are making wounds that are so deep and gangrenous that they can never be healed? This ridiculous Camhaven witch hunt has nothing to do with tax and every thing to do with Brexit. It’s the same old playbook. Discredit the man and you discredit his message. Osborne will be next. “There are questions that need to be answered” will become the next line of attack. One by one the Brextards will be picking off each member of the cabinet. This will run and run. What is so revealing is that any sense of reason has been replaced by the red mist of revenge. Any sense of logic has been replaced by the Brextard anthem, IT’S SO UNFAIR. Everything is unfair. That traitor the governor of the Bank of England. The CBI. The finance ministers of the G20. And now that bastard Cameron is using £9 MILLION OF TAXPAYERS MONEY TO PROMOTE HIS FILTHY PRO BRUSSELS LIES!!!!!! So let’s vote down the finance bill. Let’s wreck the government. Let’s do ANYTHING TO GET US OUT OF THE VILE UNDEMOCRATIC BLOOD SUCKING EU.

The awful thing is that this is not satire. It is the warped logic of the Brextards. Take Peter Bone. The other day he urged the government to ignore EU law ‘because we’ll be out of it on the 24June’. And the poor old fruit loop actually believes it. So who on the right is going to have the courage to hold up a hand and warn them that this has to stop? Boris won’t; he’s as happy as a pig in shit. May? She is unfairly regarded as a traitor. Probably the only one with the clout and respect is Gove. But he better get a move on. The Conservative party is ablaze and the kids are chucking petrol on it. If this continues for much longer there will be nothing left. These are desperate times.

And who benefits from this self immolation? Probably the the most authoritarian cult of humourless, heartless and dangerous politicians this country has seen in a generation. The Corbynistas. Some will just raise their eyes heavenwards at the thought that they could be in power. That is a colossal arrogance. Don’t these people read the opinion polls or don’t they care? Camhaven is meat and drink for the far left. The Tories are portrayed as filthy rich out of touchers who don’t give a toss about the hard working poor. It’s a lie, but it will stick unless the Cameron haters pull back from the brink. For the first time in my life I am beginning to fear that the Tories will destroy themselves and open the door for an authoritarian socialist government. I hope that I am wrong.


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The truth about Blairmore Holdings

6 Apr 2016 at 09:53

Politics can be a dirty business. But nothing angers me more when a dead relative in prayed in aid. The smear on Ian Cameron is a disgrace. The idea is to suggest that Blairmore Holdings is somehow connected to tax avoidance and dictators who have plundered their people. The whiff is of .general sleazyness. This means that David Cameron ‘has questions to answer’. Today I can tell you the truth about Blairmore Holdings. Not from any contact in Number 10 nor any friend of Cameron, but an old friend who is one of the leading tax specialists in London. This is not his opinion, it is a set of facts. This is what he texted me. I put it in direct quotes to show that I am not putting a personal spin on it.

“Blairmore Holdings was a perfectly legitimate offshore investment fund. It’s underlying investments were very largely if not exclusively non UK. The fund was registered with the UK revenue as a ‘distributer fund’ which meant that it had to pay out to investors at least 85% of its income each year. The investors would be liable to UK income tax on those payments if UK resident. Equally, if they sold their investment they would be liable to capital gains tax”

So we know that the fund was legitimate. Question one. Was Ian Cameron a UK resident? Yes. Was David Cameron a UK resident? Yes. This really is a no brainer. Their can be nor could have been any possible tax be benefit under this fund for the Camerons. End of story.

But it won’t be. The press are now suggesting some sort of cover up. That this is embarrassing for the Prime Minister. “Put up or shut up” scream the headlines. It is utter bollocks. Even the hopeless Corbyn has latched onto this as some sort of life raft. But it was sinking even before he even stumbled aboard. To piously suggest that MPs should publish their tax returns is ridiculous, unfair and a terrible breach of privacy. To suggest that British Dependencies who run perfectly legal tax havens should be brought under direct rule is authoritarian and dangerous. And probably constitutionally impossible. Like Rhodesia they could claim UDI.

We must clamp down on tax evasion and aggressive tax avoidance and no government is more committed to this not just in words but in deeds. Yes the Panama revelations are deeply damaging. But to dictators, despots and hypocrites. Not to the Camerons. To drag the good name (and it is a good name) of Ian Cameron through the muck of party politics, someone who cannot defend himself beyond the grave, is beneath contempt. Oh, and a Jewish mate of mine recently reminded me what the Yiddish word for disaster is. Chorbyn. Too bloody right.



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Javid is guilty of criminal political negligence. He must clear up his own mess. But send for Hezza

2 Apr 2016 at 08:03

It is pointless, counterproductive, waste of time for a Prime Minister to attempt to micro manage his cabinet. It always ends in tears. It is remarkable that anyone wants to be leader of the Tory Party. It is like a scene from Shaun of the Dead where zombies roam the streets biting and infecting members of the public. A few manage to hole up in a local pub, but the Zombie hordes descend on the place whilst our heroes think of new ways of lopping off their heads and and the parts of their bodies that slow them down. So we REMAINERS are holed up in the pub and trying to protect backbenchers from being bitten by Cash, Redwood, Bozo and anyone with a bone in their name.

Well, last week David Cameron hopped out of the back door of the Bonkers Arms and escaped from the blood, gore and general insanity with his family for a few days in the sun. What could go wrong? The Labour Party is more interested in drawing up punishment lists, the collectivisation of our farms and tractor production in East Cheam than winning elections. And what is the point of elections anyway? The workers have been brainwashed by Murdoch and the Zionist media so democracy is a myth. It is purity of argument that matters. We will fight them in the twitter zone, on Facebook and Whatsapp. There will be no surrender.

So a few days of sun and Sangria would do just the trick. Until an aide rushes over with a mobile phone. “It’s the cabinet secretary sir, I’ve put him on your tastefully patriotic bling earphones”.
“What’s the problem Jezza?”
“It’s Javid sir, he seems to have disappeared”.
“Sounds rather good news to me.”
“But he’s gone to Australia”.
“Sounds even better”.
“But Prime Minister he is going on a freebie with his daughter at a time when TATA are about to close Port Talbot steel works. Stephen Kinnock is all over the media like a rash and has travelled to India”.
“Jesus. What about Soubry?”
“All over the shop I’m afraid. Seems to think we will nationalise it”.
“Get him on the phone now. Tell him he is in deep shit and order him home. Oh, and tell the twat that he has got to grow some balls and get his arse down to Port Talbot and look the poor sods in the eye.”

And this is how a crisis can turn into a catastrophe. You expect your ministers, particularly the ones with delusions of grandeur, to have a bit of common sense. Ministers have been working really hard behind the scenes to help TATA offload the steel works and save jobs the last 19 months. They have persuaded the EU to put in 37 anti dumping measures and 16 against China. But there are two inescapable truths. How do you deal with world steel over production? And how do you punish China without starting a trade war where we will come out worse? But this is not the image that the public will see. Their perception is of a government that doesn’t care. Who are heartless. Who would prop up the banks but not the livelihoods of thousands of hard working men and women. At a time when the Tories are winning seats in Wales and just before the May election. This is criminal negligence by Javid. It fails the fundamental rule of politics. The Daily Mail Test.

He will no doubt tell us that there would be nothing he could do. That government is working hard behind the scenes. Both are true. Being seen to be on a jolly when thousands of jobs are in the balance shows he has minimal political radar, no judgement and is unfit for high office. This was his chance to shine. His chance to show that he is a big beast. He has failed miserably.

But he should not be sacked. It would be a scalp for the press. His must be the ultimate punishment. He must clean up this mess and reassure the people of Wales that government are working night and day to protect their communities. Yet I fear that it will mean the closure of Port Talbot. This is a job for a big beast. Send for Hezza.


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Heavy Petsying is deadlier than the Mail

29 Mar 2016 at 14:33

I have been trying to work out the politics of the Petsy Wyatt deification of Bozo in the Mail on Sunday. I imagine that Dacre exploded in rage at Matt Parris’s splendid, if a little late, hatchet job and demanded that the group puff the old phoney up. Geordi Greig, who is at daggers drawn with his editor in chief, commissioned a remarkable piece from Petsy. But far from boost the blond booby it has made it almost impossible for Cameron to give him any job, let alone a big one, post 23 June.

She admits that Bozo lies, but only to get out of difficult situations. She admits that his journalistic utterings are not always accurate. She admits he breaks promises. And that Conrad Black thought it was hilarious. That old jail bird is perhaps not someone who would be on the A list of character witnesses. But I bet that Andrew Neil, his immediate boss at the Speccy, was not heaving with laughter when Bozo swore that he would never stand for election while editor. I would be amazed if he had the courage to be interviewed by his old boss.

But the most damning admission of them all is that the reason he wants to be Prime Minister is because he wants to be loved. This must have caused hysterical laughter from Messrs Major, Brown and Blair. And poor old Cameron must have nearly died of a seizure. As PM everyone hates you, the press, your colleagues and particularly your cabinet who are all plotting to trample over your lifeless political body in order to stagger over the threshold of Number 10. But the idea of asking a former mistress (whom the MOS helpfully reminded us had had a termination by him) is not going to endear him to the blue rinse brigade. Nor that he thinks that it is unreasonable for a man to have to be faithful to one woman. On reflection, I suspect that the Petsy piece was far more damaging than the Parris one.

Then there appeared to be a Dacre retaliation the next day. Former Speccie and Sunday Telegraph editor, Dominic Lawson was deployed. He wrote that he had been betrayed by Bozo too, but it was preferable to be betrayed by him than other politicians. Not quite a ringing endorsement. But hang on. Weren’t there squeals for Lawson’s resignation in 1990 over his interview with Thatcherite cabinet minister Nicholas Ridley? After a refreshing lunch the Lawson tape recorder was left on and Nick was very disobliging about the Germans and Delors. Worse, he said that Thatcher agreed with him. He had to resign within hours.

So at last the scales are falling from blood shot Fleet Street eyes. And the sentient right, in the form of Tim Montgommerie have begun to realise that to have him as their champion, let alone leader, would be as toxic as a hooker’s jock strap.
The eyes of the right have now fallen upon another favoured son, Michael Gove. I have no doubt that because, to date, he has been honourable and refuses to attack his friend Cameron, he will keep his job. And rightly so. Silly children at Number 10 put it about that he is for the chop. This is totally off piste. But to make him deputy Prime Minister is daft too. It will be slap in the face to Osborne and would lead to unnecessary tensions between him and Cameron.Despite unforced errors, he has been a success as Chancellor. Unless there is an economic catastrophe, those with marginal seats know that he has saved their bacon in 2020. And talks of moving him to the Foreign Office would be a nudge and a wink that his long term economic plan has failed. It hasn’t. So there is life in the old dog yet. I expect two names on the ballot paper; Osborne and Gove. At the end of the day the default position of the Tory Party is picking a winner. And the closest to a winner that Bozo comes to is Michael. And he died a couple of years ago.

And now the frenzied talk of there being a challenger to Cameron should we vote to REMAIN. Wishful thinking. He won the election. He has a mandate. It is the wettest of wet dreams. But just that. Backbenchers may be mad, but they are not all insane



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If IDS is the John the Baptist for Bozo God help us all

20 Mar 2016 at 10:22

The Conservative party is like an Hieronymus Bosch painting without the humour that is only allowed to be put on public display on rare occasions as its portrayal of unspeakable suffering can be nauseous to the public. In your heart of hearts you know that the torture and indescribable pain continues unabated.

We really do have to look at the battle lines here. It is not by accident that those who support IDS as the great man of principle who is struggling against the wicked Osborne who is grinding the face of the poor and vulnerable into the dust are all Euro nutters. The sort of people who accuse Osborne of not cutting deep enough. Those who truly believe that he has become a closet Socialist and should be taking a bloodied axe to the welfare state. And then their are the moderate Tories who, by and large will be voting to REMAIN, who forced the Chancellor to strangle his PIPS policy at birth. It’s a bit like the evangelical right who support the death penalty but fiercely oppose abortion on the basis of their fervent belief in the sanctity of life. But the dividing line between evangelicals and moderates may have become so great that the broad church will turn into a schism. This may be the time to think the unthinkable. A realignment of British politics.

Don’t think for one moment that the seething passion of the swivel eyed loons will go away after the referendum. If the REMAINERS win the loons won’t give up. They can’t. It is their mission. They are like the SNP separatists.Driven, relentless, brutal and unforgiving. Their latest ploy is to pose the question of who can ‘heal’ the party after the referendum, with a clear subtext that it can’t possibly be Cameron. The answer is that nobody can. The hatred is so deep. The trick for any party leader is to distract the troops and try and keep sectarian tensions bubbling away under the surface, mostly out of sight. A warning for Cameron though. If the reports of him saying that he would relish a leadership challenge to finally sort out ‘the twats’ he should remember that this was the Major plan. It failed.

I watched IDS on Marr a few moments ago. He was passionate about welfare reform. And I believe him. But welfare organisations have a different view of him. They remember the bedroom tax and they don’t forget the benefits cap. He is not regarded as a One Nation Tory and yet he spent much of his time on Marr saying just that he was. He denies that there was any ulterior motive. In criminal trials if a defendant has convictions which are relevant the jury will hear about them. And when it comes to governmenticide IDS has more form than Shergar.

But we should be very nervous about an Osborne holed below the water line. IDS may well be the John the Baptist for Bozo which is a truly terrifying thought. And if you didn’t think that this is all about removing Cameron after June 23 just read the words of Bernard Jenkin on SKY a minutes ago. ‘After the referendum we must restore cabinet government’

The next part in this geek tragedy will be the IDS personal statement to the Commons.



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Beware the IDS of March

19 Mar 2016 at 08:28

It was inevitable that there would be a Cabinet Brexit Martyr. The intriguing question was who and when. My money was on Grayling as he knows he is finished. But that was an error of judgement on my part. I had forgotten just how much they want to damage the credibility of Cameron and Osborne. The strategy is simple. Turn the leading lights of REMAIN into untrustworthy, uncaring villains who don’t give a damn about the most vulnerable and you undermine the whole case for a reformed EU. It’s simple and obvious. I just wished that I had realised it before the sudden departure of IDS. He is a good and caring man, but his whole life is viewed through the prism of Brussels. Nothing is more important than our exit.

His dramatic move was clearly planned well in advance. An announcement just before 9pm warms the public up for the ten 0’Clock news. Number 10 and the Treasury would still be in shock and desperate to have a line to take, but not in time to take away the sting. The fight back has already begun. The Sunday’s will be filled with plots, secret meetings, briefings and counter briefings. Un named sources will claim that this was planned weeks ago. And the best story will be from Simon Walters in the Mail on Sunday.

This is not a resignation about benefit cuts and if Number 10 doesn’t have this embedded within the public mind within 48 hours then they will be in serious trouble. The truth of the matter was that IDS Number 10 and the Treasury had agreed how the plans for PIP were going to be implemented. The devil was going to be in the detail hence the consultation and the Cameron/Morgan comments effectively saying watch this space. That is now in tatters. The carefully planned implementation which the press have been teased with will now look like a panic stricken U turn. It is bad but not disastrous. It can be managed. But the gloves will have to come off. The Breziteers will stop at nothing to get us out of the EU. If it means damaging the the government, jobs, the economy, it is a price worth paying. And if Osborne is denied the leadership, that is an added bonus. But alas. Poor Bozo is out of the country. I would have imagined that the television crews have just landed. It will be interesting to see whether he supports the welfare changes or not. The poor man is going to have to make a decision which does not seem ill informed or opportunistic. Well, best we forget about that then.

So what happens to George? The press will be screaming for his head. They won’t get it. He must hunker down and come out fighting. These reforms have got to be properly sold or abandoned. The public are unforgiving at what they perceive is unfairness. The government must take the moral high ground very quickly. To rely on the hopeless incompetence of Labour would be a mortal error. Handled properly this could make their back benchers cheer again. Beware the IDS of March.



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Today history was made, Theresa deployed her tits; weapons of mass distraction for the leadership campaign

16 Mar 2016 at 15:29

As George Osborne rose to his feet, his face as pale as fresh cadaver, his lips crinkled upwards in that Heath Ledger Joker smile, all eyes were on……Theresa May’s tits. They had entered the chamber a few moments earlier and had caused quite a stir. Some thought that there had been an eclipse of the sun when a shadow hung over the government front bench. Several elderly gentleman had begun to worry that the bromide they had been given in the Great War was beginning to wear off. And her shadow, Andy Burnham, sitting opposite, not quite within touching distance, just couldn’t help himself. Breasts, like accidentally unzipped flies, seem to have an hypnotic effect. It was as if they had become like the Mesmeratic cobra in the jungle book, singing,‘look at me’.

I am beginning to wonder if Theresa’s tits were her latest weapons to be deployed in the leadership election. Bozo must be getting rather worried. How on earth can he compete? Cripes, those chappies could cause him serious damage. But how could we have missed them in the past? Where has she been hiding them? With the exception of the kitten heels, one always got the impression that Theresa has been personally dressed by David Blunkett. My favourite outfit was that grey boiler suit thingy that made her look like a Sontarian warrior ready to do battle. But until today nobody realised how terrifically mammorific she is. This must be very worrying for George too and he must be praying that this is just a storm in a D cup.

Well, they will be the talk of the tea room, the bars and Commons restaurants for a very long time. In years to come tiny children will ask ancient old men well into their annecdotage, ‘where were you when Theresa deployed her tits grandpa’? And old rheumy eyes would twinkle back to life and a contented smile would flicker across decaying jowls. Before cardiac arrest. And what of Jeremy Corbyn? Of course, he didn’t notice. The poor devil had no stride to be put off.

So remember this day. History has been made. These weapons of mass distraction are threatening to destabilise politics as we know it. Beware the darling buds of May.



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Too much clown porn, Andy Burnham, Jesus and a cock

12 Mar 2016 at 11:32

Is it just me or is there too much clown porn infesting the media these days? I suppose it could have only been a coincidence that Bozo was launching himself (sorry the OUT campaign) in Dartford on the same day that a gasman had caught the largest rat in Britain. And for what it’s worth, those those of us who live in Essex affectionately call those who scuttle through the Dartford tunnel ‘tunnel rats’. But that’s enough rodentry for now.

The Bozo experience is becoming more bizarre by the day. Yesterday’s wheeze was to drive a red lorry to symbolise moving away. But hang on, Boris hasn’t got an HGV, (which is not a a sexually transmitted disease) so he would have to be in the passenger seat. Ho, ho, still not ready for the driver’s seat. What larks. There is always a ripple of excitement at a Bozo event. Is he going to fired, dressed as a bulldog in a blue tutu, from a cannon into the back garden of Number 10? Are the wheels going to come off the lorry? Will it leap through a burning hoop into a lake of Old English Marmalade? In other words, is this going to be a truck up? As it happens it wasn’t too much of a disaster except that the lorry was a Renault.

Then comes the speech. Advisers are now telling him to be a sort of up beat Willy Wonka. Once we are free of the Johnny Foreigner jackboot our green and pleasant land will be brimming with milk and honey, businesses will boom, the girls will get prettier and men’s penises will be allowed to grow by an extra three inches. Free, walking tall, standing proud. And this was the build up to the shuddering climax which would put the cream (full fat and English) into his éclat. And then it came. ‘I want Britain… be…..(oh, God the thrill of it)…..Europe’s……..(oh, this is too much)….Canada’. Mmm. Doesn’t quite have that thrill factor. But the choice wasn’t all that encouraging. Iceland? Sounds a bit to much like a frozen food chain. Norway? Barrels of oil rather than laughs. Switzerland? Cuckoo clocks, Nazi gold and a sense of humour that would make Chris Grayling sound like a funster. What about Liechtenstein then? Stamps, goats and sounds too foreign. So Canada it is then. Well, at least they share our Queen. Only one or two minor details. It took seven years to negotiate a trade deal, they have no say on the regulations that govern them in the single market and they pay for that privilege. Oh, and the deal doesn’t include services. Sounds very attractive. But of course little England will have a bigger, better, wonderfully fantastic trade deal, far, far better than Canada. And we will do it in a few minutes on the back of a fag packet. A bloody great gold crested British one with the severed head of Juncker on the front. That will learn ‘em. So in others words we won’t be like Canada at all. It’s all so confusing. But like the Mounties Bozo will always get his van.

On Thursday I had a splendid evening debating with Andy Burnham and Chris Smith at the Cambridge Union. The place was packed and much more fun than the Oxford lot. I’d forgotten just how good Andy is when he speaks with passion. Half way through my speech I remembered that a Cambridge college was having a bit of bother with a Nigerian cockerel. ‘Anyone here from Jesus?’ A few hands went up and I prayed that one of them wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness. ‘I read in the TIMES that you are negotiating the removal of a cock. When you’re done could you turn your attention to a fellow called Boris?’ Well, I thought it was quite funny.

So thank you Cambridge Union for a wonderful night, your warm welcome and far too much wine.



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Tory BSDM porn and the Boris Marr car crash

6 Mar 2016 at 10:05

There is something vaguely hypnotic about Tory BSDM porn as one is drawn deeper and deeper into a fantasy world of exploitation, pain and short term gratification. Ah, how the clunky nineties background music accompanies the same old themes. ‘We haaaate the prime minister’ spits a rubber clad, masked man clasping a threatening whip. ‘He must be punished’.
‘And the Commission must submit to our perverted demands’ hisses a leather and buckled woman clutching a dildo the size of a large thermos. At that the dubbed heaving, breathing and groaning reaches a crescendo, whilst the bloodied man on a sling screams his control word to stop the pain. ‘Corbynnnnnn’, echoes round the dungeon. But it is ignored. The mindless torture continues. The possibility of irreparable mutilation and death hangs by a thread. Oh, what the hell, they have been waiting for years to have this much pleasure. And if a few die? What a way to go!

I am beginning to wonder how much more Tory porn any of us can take. Occasionally the old stars are brought out before the cameras. Pin ups like, ‘I will bore the pants off you’ Bill Cash and John Redwood,(stage name Brent Crude) aren’t quite up to the action anymore and tend to produce and direct. But they don’t care. Their latest stud, Blojo, is really, really, great box office. And with clever camera angles he can make a small argument look soooo big. But they know that all this depraved violence has got to come to an end. The viewing public likes happy endings. I gave up on Game of Thrones because the body count was so high I had forgotten who was dead or alive. And after a while I didn’t care. If the Tories carry on like this after 23June they might suffer the same fate.

I feel very sorry for Michael Gove. He is a good man. I always have a suspicion those who are passionate and relentless about a particular issue have been driven by a personal tragedy. His adoptive family who gave him love security, a good education and encouraged him to flourish owned a fishmongers which was destroyed by the Common Fisheries Policy. Because of that I can see where he is coming from. But for an intelligent and sensitive man to be in daily communion with those that really hate and want to destroy his close friend Cameron, it must be a nightmare. When they are plotting is there an embarrassed hush when he enters the room? Gove has done his best to calm things down this weekend by warning that this is nothing to do with leadership ambitions of some of his rather unfortunate new chums. They won’t listen and the debate will become more hysterical and personal as we drift towards the referendum.

But what happens afterwards? If, as I sincerely hope and believe that IN wins there will have to be a healing process. But that will be in front of a backdrop of anger and frustration of the Breziteers who will say it is all rigged. How on earth can Boris be given any cabinet job after his appalling behaviour which will get worse? This morning’s attack on No 10 about the the ‘scandalous’ pressure BCC is both irresponsible and plain wrong. On Marr this morning he proved himself an ill informed unprepared bullshitter. It was a total car crash. And how can Priti Patel, with risible delusions of grandeur for a barely adequate minister possibly expect to survive after her personal attacks? Why should people who have behaved disgracefully have a sense of entitlement of high office?

The rules of engagement seem to be these. The OUTS can attack Cameron, but he mustn’t respond. They can scaremonger about the horrors if we remain,‘Paris style terrorist attack on London, etc etc. But he mustn’t warn them of the security consequences if we leave. They are free to rubbish world leaders for supporting IN yet we mustn’t pray them in aid. And when we warn about the dangers of leaving the Single Market, ‘it is just talking down Britain’. So far nobody, not even St Boris, can tell us the shape of this shining city on a hill that they are promising



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The Cameron revivalist experience and why the EU agreement is binding in law

25 Feb 2016 at 09:30

I suspect that you can’t get much more politically cynical or jaundiced then me. I’ve been around rather a long time and seen some appalling stage managed events. I remember being at a Tory party conference when Tim Bell of Saachi fame had organised a load of us youngsters at a prearranged time to unfurl We Love Maggie Banners from the balconies which would lead to multiple orgasms, mass hysteria and entranced spotty youths in bow ties speaking in tongues. As most of us tolerated rather than loved her we did the business. God it was embarrassing. So I turned to the guy next to me and wearily commented that it would have been preferable to chuck that twat Bell over the balcony. He grinned and held out his hand. ‘Nice to meet you Jerry, I’m Tim Bell’. Oh, dear.

But cunning stunts are the stuff of everyday politics. So it was only out of loyalty to Cameron and wanting to remain in the EU that after a couple of sharpeners on the terrace I toddled off to the ICA on the Mall to hear the PM launch the IN campaign. I was not prepared for the shock. We were crammed into a tiny space with no seats. Cabinets past and present just mingled with everyone else, there was no real plan apart from a few trustys lined up to catch the eyeline of the cameras. The atmosphere was electric, there was a really tingle of expectation that something exciting was going to happen. But what struck me was the warmth. Young and old we’re giving each other hugs. It was like a party of old friends without the booze. It was something so rare in politics; everyone liked each other. I have never experienced anything like it. And then Cameron, sleeves rolled up with an open neck shirt, bounded in. ‘For once I am disobeying my mother’s advice’ he grinned. It was a reference to his upbraiding of Corbyn at PMQs earlier. And then something men of my age haven’t had in years; thirty minutes of unbridled passion. This wasn’t a written speech. It was from the heart. There were a few scrawled notes on a table with a glass of water. He didn’t look at either. It was the most effective piece of stump oratory that I have ever heard. It was a force of nature. I looked around the room. They were mesmerised. It was like a revivalist meeting. And then I looked at the faces of the cabinet. There was only one expression. Awe. With the subtext, ‘I wish I could do that’. And then ten feet away I caught the eye of Phillip Hammond. He was grinning from ear to ear. Hammond smiling. Hammond happy. Hammond at ease. Well, I have seen it all.

Now most of you will say that all this is totally over the top. It is. Because it was. Politicians don’t need gimmicks they need belief. And passion.

The striking thing about the REMAINERS is that we like each other. There is no jostling for position, no bitching, no sly press briefings. I feel sorrow for Michael Gove. I respect his principles but not his judgment. To come out with the bald and totally wrong statement that the heads of government agreement is not legally binding is dangerously wrong. Donald Tusk says it is. More important, Alan Dashwood the former director of EU legal services puts it rather succinctly. “The ‘decision’ is binding by legal agreement reached by consensus and could only be amended or rescinded by consensus, or in other words, with the agreement of the UK”. This is the view of Dominic Grieve and Jeremy Wright. For Gove to get something like this so totally wrong is rather surprising. For him to pronounce it ex cathedra as Lord Chancellor is rather shocking. This is a shame. I like Michael and he is a superb minister.

Perhaps someone could enlighten me but why is Priti Patel portrayed as a poster girl for the right? I recall that she was rather a good press officer, but that’s about it. Her newspaper articles attacking Cameron are a disgrace. In normal circumstances she would have been sacked.

Oh, and there is a rumour floating round Westminster that Boris might re rat and reluctantly support the REMAINERS. Too late matey. Your political grave has been dug and you’ve zip wired in. If you hear a weird spluttering noise, rest assured it is not a Boris speech, just some of us cranking up the cement mixer. Six foot of reinforced concrete should do it. Well, for starters.


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