Miss Loathesome's Mars Attack Moment

9 Jul 2016 at 09:37

If I had seriously suggested that Donald Trump would be President, Andrea Leadsom Prime Minister and Jeremy Corbyn leader of the Opposition you would have committed me to a place of safety. But in this Munchian period of world affairs our voters are having great fun in putting the dick into unpredictability. I know, let’s sit down, pour four fingers of finest malt and have a think about this.

So what does Loathesome represent? We don’t know yet, but soon Nick Wood, proprietor of Media Intelligence Partners and former communications chief to IDS, will be telling her. However, we do know whom she represents. The lost tribe of Conservatism. The sort of people who would have been passionate members of the Monday Club. Grizzled old men with more dandruff than a dead badger who would loiter outside party conferences distributing badly printed leaflets screaming for us to get out of the EEC and how immigrants were taking over the country. That would be the ‘steel’. But there would always be the ‘velvet glove of compassion’ in that there would be generous repatriation grants. A land fit for Millwall supporters.

If Bozo was the prisoner of the unacceptable right, Loathesome is its cheer leader. Jean creaming endorsements from Farage and Banks prove that she is the host to their parasite. What decent politician really wants such encouragement? Why bother to elect the KIPPERS? They would effectively be in government. Fromage was quite right when he said that his work was done. His Cuckoo has been just been hatched and chucking the other chicks out of the nest.

When I saw that rag bag of delusionists, no hopers, grudgeesters and those with mild personality disorders marching upon Westminster shouting ‘Leadsom for leader’, thought that it was sad but faintly amusing. And then I had a more sinister thought. These bloody people could be the next government.

It’s a bit like Ufologists who have been mocked all their lives for being slightly weird suddenly discover that a flying saucer really has landed at the bottom of their garden. They are now regarded as the experts. So now the press want answers.
‘So Miss Loathesome all your life you have predicted that there are little green men out there. Tell us, are they hostile and are going to wipe us off the face of the earth or do they come in peace wanting to share their technology with us? Oh, and will you negotiate on behalf of the world? Your great experience as a telephone hygienist and in telesales for your brother in law’s PPI claim firm is invaluable’.
Well, I think we know the answer. In truth she doesn’t have a clue, but egged on by the hopeful dispossessed, desperate for a seat at the table, she will appear before the cameras in her best happy clown makeup (wake up Brookes, Rowson and Bell) and radiate happy bunny, homespun optimism with all the charm of an Essex school dinner lady looking after her rowdy kids.

‘Miss Loathesome why are you so sure that these Martians aren’t armed and will kill, maim and enslave us?’
‘Oh don’t talk our country down. They need us more than we need them. We are heading for the sunny uplands. They will give us their wonderful new technology for free! There may be a few bumps in the road though. Perhaps the elimination of a few major cities like Paris or Berlin. But breath deeply and feel the exhilaration of freedom. Isn’t it wonderful? Of course we can’t let all of the Martians in, but they won’t mind, they respect the fact that although they may have hideous weapons of mass destruction way beyond our comprehension, we are a sovereign nation. Optimism, optimism, optimism, let’s ban pessimism!!!’
At that a young man sporting a Union Jack bow tie, horn rimmed glasses and a face about to explode with acne hands her two feather dusters and presses the guide track for Ken Dodd’s ‘Happiness’. But just as Miss Loathesome is treating an hysterical and damp gussetted crowd to the second verse, nobody notices that a hatch on the spacecraft is slowly opening casting an eerie glow.

To be continued…….



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Overnight Andrea Leadsom has become Andrea Loathsome. Her campaign is based on a lie. We need another referendum.

3 Jul 2016 at 08:57

Well, I was right about one thing. That Simon Walters would get the best Sunday story, but far more devastating than I could ever imagine. Over night Andrea Leadsom has become Andrea Loathesome. And let me remind you why. The Brexiteers are terrified of Theresa May’s honesty, consistency and competence. The Conservative party has morphed into the witch trials of Salem. Bitch finder General Bill Cash and his goons are patrolling the corridors looking for signs of bitch craft. ‘You speak to Remainers don’t you? Confess’. Offices are ransacked for traces of French cheese and German sausage. ‘You have never been a true believer and this bottle of Macon is evidence. Confess and your soul will be purged in the fires of Brexitdom’.
And yesterday their Joan of Arc (yes I know it’s another age and another story but I’m on a roll) appeared in shining armour to lead her armies to defeat the great sorceress May. ‘I am the true believer. I am the way and the light. Only a true believer can be trusted. Now kneel and receive my blessing’. And with Cecil B de Mille drama they fell to their knees. But in the sky there is a bright light and then a familiar voice. ‘The Eu without Britain is like fish without chips….to leave would be an economic disaster’. And the voice? Andrea the pure! No!!!!!! Surely not. It’s a liiiiiiiie. So all this crazy nonsense by Bill Cash about a judicialreview of any coronation of May is total bollocks.

How on earth does Loathesome get out of this? Well, my dear old chum Iain Dale tried a line on Marr. ‘Well, she was a minister at the time….collective responsibility’. And what about her? ‘Things have radically changed since 2013’. Really? And she said this with that fixed Gordon Brown smile and not a blink of an eye. ‘The country needs someone who believes fervently in the sunlit uplands of leaving’. But she didn’t in 2013. If she had any honour she would have not made that speech or resigned as a matter of principle. How can you believe a word she says? She has been a total fraud. But so has the whole Brexit strategy, it was based on a lie. Not finessed exaggerations one gets at general elections but promises which have been abandoned. It was a vote gained by fraud. It is a national scandal. Interesting that the one question that stumped her on Marr was about publishing her tax returns. I am sure that it was nothing to do with her offshore activities.

I have never been so despondent. I never never seen such depression. Already jobs are on the line. Already universities are terrified of the inevitable loss of EU funding. Farmers, the automotive industry and aerospace haven’t got a clue about their future. The young have had their birth right stolen on the basis of a lie.

Over four million have signed a petition for another referendum. I and most of my friends have signed it. This is a matter for Parliament and not party leaders. After all we believe in Parliamentary sovereignty. There will be a debate and there will be a vote. MPs must cast personal interest aside and vote for the greater good.



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British politics has become like Titus Andronicus without the jokes

1 Jul 2016 at 07:58

British politics has become a cross between Titus Andronicus without the jokes and a Chinese edition of the The Prince where Machiavelli’s sound advice has been lost in translation. The lesson for the Tories is don’t run a leadership campaign from the Oxford Union playbook. And for Labour? Well, I am reminded of some very wise advice from Nick Ridley over a large whisky after I had been unmasked as being involved in a disastrous plot to try and humanise Thatcher. ‘Dear boy, in politics you must always shoot to kill never to wound. A wounded animal is both unpredictable and dangerous. Have another drink, you’ll need it’.

There is another more important lesson. Mercurial politicians are beloved of the media because they are good copy. But appearing on the front pages may do wonders for the ego it does little for one’s reputation at Westminster. Parliament tolerates attention seekers but prefers consistency, judgement and getting on with the job. It is known as a safe pair of hands. We may salivate over outbursts, plotting, knifing and martyrdom but it is ugly and unattractive to the electorate. If fulfils their view of politicians as out of touch prima donnas biting and scratching for position. And never has the greasy pole been dripping with such blood and bile.

Neither Boris Johnson nor Michael Gove have done themselves any favours. Boris has trashed the economy, betrayed the life chances of the young, knifed a great Prime Minister and unleashed dark and divisive forces which have ripped his party and his country apart. We are going to hell in his hand cart and the wheels have fallen off. Now we read that he wanted to do a deal with May. He would graciously lend her the Prime Ministership until 2020. She would have the honour of being his home help cleaning up the vomit, broken furniture and smashed crockery after the raucous party that he had hosted. Then he would come home in triumph and show off his beautifully clean home and become master of the estate. Wisely, May wouldn’t even talk him. All the while he was making promises to his deluded supporters of red boxes and influence. Like all of Boris’s life it was dishonest and delusional. Thank God he has been ventilated from the body politic. He will not be offered a job. He has no leverage.

And my eternal thanks go to Michael Gove for facilitating this. Yet he has much blood on his hands. He unforgivably knifed his close friend Cameron. He promised a low key campaign. Although he shuddered at the Farage poster he lied about Turkey and the £350 million, and accused the likes of the OECD, the IFS, the Governor of the Bank of England and the ‘experts’ of being akin to Nazis. Worse, his views of turning the NHS into an insurance based scheme would be fatal at a general election. His other difficulty is that wants us to be rid of ties with the single market which is economic suicide. And he is mercurial and unpredictable too. Worse he is conjoined with Dominic Cummings, a revolting pile of toxic waste who would wreak havoc at Downing Street. But what will kill his prospects is the anger he has engendered amongst back benchers. By knifing Boris he has destroyed their fantasy world. It will be interesting to see how many Boris votes move to May.

The big story that I expect to read on the front page of the Mail on Sunday and written by the splendid Simon Walters will be when Gove first put in the telephone lines. Because, like Boris, he was playing a double game too. This was not an overnight conversion to realising how duplicitous and lacking in leadership he was. He has known this for years.

So what is the other lesson to be learned? Play with a straight bat. Theresa May just got on with the job. None of the viciousness, none of the dangerous subliminal Farage associations. No lies about the Turks and the economy. No hostages to fortune. No jockeying for position. No knifings. The party will like that and so will the country. In times of crisis we need a safe pair of hands. But it is still early days. Leadsom might to reasonably well amongst MPs. Then she will position. But she has all the baggage that Gove has and little ministerial experience. Too much of a risk. She will do a deal. And the others? Crabb has a good back story but hardly any experience and will expect a good job. Fox? A handful of votes. Maybe a job but not a big one. At the moment I am encouraged that May has a commanding lead. But we have the whole weekend for the pork barrel to be rolled. And this will shock you; MPs are not always entirely honest about their voting intentions.Briti


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Indecisive, weak and without a principled bone in his body. It's time to dump the Chump and vote for May

29 Jun 2016 at 19:42

What has been puzzling me for the last day or so is why could a civilised and decent man like Michael Gove possibly support Bozo. Well, there is the question of survival I suppose. And Nick Soames too. As decent an old boy as you will find on a grouse moor. What is this madness that is infecting the Tories and Labour?

But Bozo is a fraud and utterly untrustworthy. Even Gove’s wife understands that. Maybe he thinks that he can control his wilder excesses and perhaps persuade him to read the odd brief now and then. No way. One day Gove will be turned over by him. Why? Because Gove is a gentleman and Johnson is not.

The truth of the matter is that Bozo stole the referendum on two major lies; £350m for the NHS and control of our borders; both of which have been tossed to the wind. Well the poor suckers bought that didn’t they? And then he tells a real whopper in his £5k a pop column that immigration wasn’t such a big deal with the punters. Lot of back peddling there. ‘Wrote it too quickly…….tired’. But it sums the man up. Lazy, slapdash, with no attention to detail, particularly the truth. Make it up and you can get away with it with the shrug of the shoulders and a grin. So if his own supporters don’t trust him why should the electorate? The man has some serious hurdles to jump.

And how would he be in a crisis? I know, it doesn’t bear thinking about does it? But when you are Prime Minster you can’t leave it to the boffins or advisors, you have to make the decision. Having a mind like a supermarket trolley is not reassuring when the cabinet secretary rings you at 3 am to tell you that there is a hijacked airliner with four hundred women and children on board heading for the centre of London. ‘Prime minister we need a decision whether to shoot it down now as soon it will be in striking range of Buckingham Palace’.

A few years ago I was talking to someone who used to work with him when he was editor of the Spectator. He told me what happened when the bombs tore through London and very close indeed to the magazine. Boris thought he go and have a look. By the time he had returned his staff were in turmoil, some were missing and most of the women were in bits. Did he comfort them? No. Did he try and find out what had happened to the absentees? Of course not. That was the night of the Spectator Party. But they were in a war zone. Staff just wanted to go home. He was advised it would be quite wrong to go ahead. All he would do was mope around muttering ‘Dunkirk spirit’. But he wouldn’t or maybe couldn’t make a decision. In the end he sat in his office while others took over. The party was cancelled, although the decision was taken away from him. It had to be.

So this is the guy some want to be the next Prime Minister. It must not be allowed to happen. It must not be given to the 140,000 grass root activists to screw up in the same way they screwed up the referendum. This man is not only untrustworthy and a barefaced liar, he is indecisive, weak and through naked ambition, has allowed this country to unleash dark forces. Race hate crimes have rocketed and casual racism seems to apparently acceptable. It is quite despicable.

I have no doubt whom I will vote for. Theresa May. Perhaps not the nation’s first choice as a dinner date, but is principled, honest and as tough as old boots. I would sleep safely in my bed if she was in charge.



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The Conservative party will become a nasty intolerant right wing clique. Welcome to a land fit for Neroes

25 Jun 2016 at 09:06

What a squalid, contemptible little racket the Conservative Party has become. They have destroyed a good and decent man who was making this country a kinder, gentler and more tolerant place to live. Who had detoxified the brand. Who won elections. Who made us prosperous again. Who made us look and feel like decent human beings. I wonder how long it will be before they realise what a great man they have lost. Oh, I know. Never. The rotting smoking corpse of the disunited kingdom will be picked over by the vultures and hyenas of the dangerous right. I pity any Tory MP who campaigned for Remain. Their life is going to be made a living hell. The likes of Nadine Dorries and Andrew Brigden will be swaggering through the tea room. And the great Augustus will become emperor. What a horrible thought. Will anyone believe a word he says? And how the hell does he get us out of this mess? It won’t be a doddle. Brussels won’t want to give us concessions for fear that the whole project will unravel. They will pretend that we no longer exist. We will be ghostly foot prints of a bygone age.

Yesterday, numbed and shocked I had lunch with a former permanent secretary. What he told me was very troubling. There is no plan. There is no blue print in Whitehall for withdrawal. The Foreign Office was so terrified of preparing for the unthinkable that any thoughts were put in manuscript form. There is no road map. There is no compass. We are flying blind.

So what went wrong? It became an election about fear and envy. Those who have lost out to globalisation. Those dispossessed in the council estates who genuinely believe that foreigners have taken their jobs and depressed their wages. They have punished the political classes, they have smacked the ambitious and have rogered the rich. The sad thing is when business flees across the channel it will these people who will suffer the most. And Scotland is on the March. Thank God for Ruth Davidson. She might just stop the final disintegration of the United Kingdom.

There will be much talk of healing the party. Of course, it’s total bollocks. The only way of holding it together is by electing Theresa May. That would be my choice. I am not optimistic because the Prime Minister is in office but not in power. The leadership process is run by the 1922 committee who are infested with Cameron haters. They are the king makers. Anything can happen.

And Jeremy Corbyn? Now there is a tricky one. Seriously holed below the waterline but will he sink? My instincts tell me he will survive; just. But my instincts told me that we would remain in the EU.

So prepare for the reign of Boris who is pretty well unstoppable. The civil service have another dilemma. Apart from himself what does he really believe in? Well, that’s that one answered.

And what of the EU? Merkel is running the show. Somehow the commission has got to be told to listen to what angry voices in Europe are screaming. They won’t. If the European Parliament had any sense they would sack them and appoint afresh.

The EU has devoured three great Prime Ministers. My heart goes out to David Cameron and his family. He has served this country well. He deserves better than this. But politics was always nasty game and has now become repellant. And the Conservative Party? It will be become a nasty, narrow minded clique. Tolerance and decency will be a thing of the past. Welcome to a land fit for Neroes.



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The Tory Party is being hijacked by the mad right wing. Let 23 June be Independence Day. Let's take back control of the party

19 Jun 2016 at 12:00

What a vile, contemptible nasty campaign this has become. While the nation mourns in stunned collective grief with the family of Jo Cox some Brexiteers are moaning that this is somehow unfair to their cause. Just how low can these people sink? Is there nothing sacred, good or decent that cannot be twisted? I haven’t a clue what will happen on Thursday but the polling evidence suggests that the immigration issue was a bit of a dead cat bounce and people are now more concerned about the effect on the economy and jobs if we leave. Brexiteers may wash their hands of the appalling posters involving assault weapons, beaten up pensioners and huddles of destitute refugees fleeing famine torture and death, but they are smugly taking advantage of the ordure of hatred and fear that is fertilising the black shoots of nationalism. What has happened to our tolerance, our decency, our Britishness? All I see is the red raged, contorted faces of primal anger. Can’t civilised and thoughtful men like Gove realise what destructive forces they have unleashed? At the Brexit rally today the crowds were whipped into a frenzy denouncing the IMF and the OECD as some sort of EU Quislings. Take control? The Brexiteers have lost control and are being carried by a torrent of toxic waste towards polling day.

Whether we leave or stay the Tory party is being hijacked by the far right. If we leave the punishment squads will roam the corridors of power. And if we stay the plotting will begin to install Cameron’s successor. God knows what crazed loon they will try and foist on us. Oh, so you think that I am exaggerating do you? Well, just you wait and see who the commentators of the right will be supporting. I spoke to one the other day and mentioned in glowing terms the candidacy of Theresa May. A look of disgust passed over his face. She, of course, is a traitor. Post referendum day the chancers, greasers and Meerkats of the back benches will be sniffing the air for advantage. And everything will be looked though the prism of Brexit and what part they played in the war.

So this is not the end or the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning of a war to shape the future of the Tory party. Do we want to be run by the likes of Sir Phillip Green, the usual selection of spread betters and barking mad city men who put the I into SPIV, or decent moderates who really want to give opportunities to every member of society rich or poor.

So let the 23 June be Independence Day. The day we take back control. Of the Conservative Party.



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Osborne is not threatening if we leave the EU the yuppie gets it. Someone will have to pay for the black hole and it won't be the Mexicans

15 Jun 2016 at 08:58

For months George Osborne has been pilloried for not having a contingency plan if we vote to leave the EU. Well now it has been revealed. The IFS produced a report that there would be an enormous black hole in public finances and gave a number of projections. Osborne chose the midway one; £30bn. Yesterday the FTSE 100 lost £100 bn and sterling is in trouble with £69 bn offloaded since March. Consumer confidence is hitting new lows and the market investment fear index new highs. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, the bellenderage primly say. ‘Markets go up and markets go down…..a low pound will be great for British exports.’ Not when there will be £9bn worth of tariffs from the EU as projected by the WTO matey. Someone is going to have to pay for this home made recession and it ain’t going to be the Mexicans. ’Don’t talk Britain down……you are insulting the ingenuity of the British people’. Yet, it won’t be the British people who will be tipped bloodied into the foaming seas of Euro sharks. It won’t be the British people negotiating with both hands tied behind their backs, it will be total dickweeds like Bozo who has got us into this mess.

It is worth putting on the record just how our manufacturing industry is going to be hammered. Let’s start with aerospace. It employs 110,000 directly and supports 120,000. 47% of their exports go to the EU. They rely heavily on supply chains which means that many of the parts are made in the EU. Tariffs will cripple them. The automotive industry employs 147,000 and supports 300,000. They make 1.6m vehicles a year and contribute £1.6bn to the economy. They are a fantastic success and 43% of exports go to the EU. Their supply chain is a real problem as 41% of the parts are manufactured in the EU. They would be stuffed.

So that is just a snapshot of how manufacturing jobs will be destroyed. Have a look at the agriculture figures and your eyes will pop out on stalks. Agriculture employs 3.8m, it is worth £100 bn to our economy. We export 60% of food and drink the EU. The NFU has warned of crippling tariffs. Beef 70%, lamb 40%, cheese 30%, drink and tobacco 20.8%. Obviously food prices will rise. And for farmer’s incomes? Trading on the Canadian model they would go down by €24,000 and under the WTO one €17,000.

And finally lets look at financial services. Contributes £133 bn to the economy and 7% of GDP. They employ 1m. They sell over £20bn of services to the EU employing 100,000 direct and supporting185,000. This is something Brexiteers don’t like to talk about as these figures are never included in our exports. Once they are it shows we actually sell more to the EU than we buy. And let me give you the sums. We sell £21 bn more services than we buy from the other 27 nations. But all this is just statistics. And facts are not something Leavers want to talk about. It’s much more effective to demonise hard working migrants who pay £3.5 billion in taxes and won’t be able to claim any benefits for four years. Who do the jobs that Brits can’t be arsed to. The awful thing is that this referendum has precious little to do with what will happen to our economy if we leave and everything to do with fictional poles taking our jobs and depressing wages. Even the unions accept that this is bollocks. But Brexit have kicked the sleeping wolf of racism wide awake, slathering, growling and baring it’s yellowing fangs. How long will be before some ghastly KIPPER warns that Enoch was right? Well, as Farage is leading a flotilla of shits up the Thames to Parliament today something is bound to go horribly amiss.

So is Osborne being vindictive, cynical and warning that unless we vote Remain the yuppie gets it? No, he will be just trying to fill a black hole that has been imposed on us by vote leave.

Oh, and a word of comfort from the Prime Minister of Norway, Enna Solberg. ’ For the UK to think that it will get everything it wants from the EU without giving anything back…it doesn’t happen like that in a political organisation. We lack influence in important decision making processes in the EU. We have special arrangements on some issues, but basically we have lost our sovereignty.’

Welcome to the future.



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Amber Rudd a star is born. Winkles out!

10 Jun 2016 at 11:14

Well, well what an overnight star Amber Rudd has become. To be perfectly honest she has never really crossed my radar before. I vaguely knew that she was in the cabinet and something to do with energy, which goes to show that headline hogging ministers are rarely the most effective. I bumped into Patrick McLoughland a few weeks ago and remarked that I hadn’t seen him in the papers for ages.‘Excellent!’ He grinned. It is the right attitude. By and large ministers only appear when they are launching a radical new policy and then cowering before the cameras a few months later when it has begun to unravel. But her sparkling performance last night was impressive. To be fair so was Sturgeon and Eagle. They cleverly positioned themselves as putting the positive case for the EU whilst remaining true to their political interests. Eagle, bright eyed and lethal, is the true front runner to be Labour leader when the time comes for them to be put out of his misery. But that won’t be until 2020.

Poor Bozo, wearing a Sir Patrick Moore cast off and styled by David Blunkett looked very uncomfortable as wave after wave of heavy shelling came from the smoking barrels of the three horsewomen of the apocalypse. He was well and truly monstered. Once he was running for office now he is running for cover. His only protection was from Leadsom and Stewart who were as flat as trainer bras. Rudd, Eagle and Sturgeon tore into his overweening ambition to choose the curtains for Number 10, his whopper of a £350m lie on his Blunderbus, his wanting to charge patients to see their GPs and his desire to make a bonfire of workers rights. The most effective line in the evening came from Rudd, ’ the life and soul of the party but not the sort of person to drive you home afterwards’. This will stick. It will the the albatross round his neck.

What has mystified me is why the Brexiteers have made a strategic decision bang on about how we can use the £350m, when they know it is a lie and they know that we know it is too. But then Leave is run by that smug little creep Mathew Elliot and his evil twin, the professional sociopath Dominic Cummings, whose behaviour was described by the Treasury Committee as ‘appalling’.

The next line of attack from Remain should be that Brexit want to make Britain a land fit for Philip Green, Mike Ashley and Dominic Chappell to run our companies and protect workers rights. A chilling thought.

But conspiracy theories in the Leave camp are running wild. ITV fixed the questions. The BBC is biased. Number 10 sabotaged the registration system so they have a day’s advantage. It gives paranoia something to be scared about. Interesting that Cameron said that he wouldn’t sack Bozo, rather than that he would promote him. Leave are now saying that Number 10 is plotting against him. Of course they are. You don’t accuse the PM of being dishonest and expect to be given a bunch of roses.

Rudd is the member for Hastings. One of her predecessors, Jackie Lait had her effigy burnt next to the winkle sheds because of her support for the common fisheries policy. And there is a tradition that members of the winkle club to display golden winkle badges. The obligatory greeting is the cry of ‘winkles out’. I suppose we should be grateful that Bozo didn’t try that one.



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Major sank his teeth into Bozo played with his limp body and tossed it to the jackals of the press to feed on

5 Jun 2016 at 10:49

Listening to John Major is not unlike having the faithful, trusted, family Labrador saunter into the room and join the nation by a roaring fire. He oozes reassurance and calm. But it can be a false image. This Labrador dozes with one eye open and a nose for danger. And if he sniffs that the nation is in peril, there will be a ferocious growling and exposed sharp fangs as warning of things to pass. This morning on Marr the growling stopped. There was a lightening leap and a savagery that will both shock and delight.

Major was charming, passionate and exuded something that is a rare commodity in the Brexit debate; sincerity. But, by God he was lethal. ’ I have often been criticised for being understated’ he smiled. Well, matey you certainly made up for it today. ‘I am angry’, he growled. And then sunk his teeth into Bozo’s throat and played with the limp body for a while before he tossed into the brush for the jackals of the press to feed upon. It was a remarkable performance. And deadly. Here are some of the highlights. The Brexit campaign was ‘squalid…..inaccurate and untrue……300,000 jobs to be created a fantasy…..it would lead to a black hole in public finances…..Turkish entry into in EU ridiculous…..the French and Germans would have a referendum on it.’

Probably the most effective put down of the Breiteers was about their ludicrous plans to help the NHS. ‘Boris wants there to be charges, Gove is against and IDS wants an insurance based system….. The NHS is as safe with them as a hampster with a hungry Python.’ It was devastating and made me want to stand up and cheer. But my favourite Bozo put down was,’ an engaging court jester’.

And then we heard the tinkling of tiny bells and in danced Bozo with a pigs bladder on a stick. Someone had told him to look statesmanlike, which is a bit like asking Katie Price to send out the aura of a nun. Marr creamed him. It was put to him that the £350m painted on his bus is a lie. What I find so remarkable is that despite the Treasury Committee and the statistics authority warning that this figure is highly misleading, Brexiteers still peddle it as if it the Holy Grail. When asked asked about accusing Cameron about being untrustworthy and shown the well publicised poster he feigned ignorance, ‘um first time I’ve seen it.’ Really? When taken to task over Turkey joining the EU, ’it’s a lie isn’t it Mr Johnson?’ And the response? Bluster and more brazen obfuscation coupled with twinkling evasion. A really disgraceful performance even by Bozo’s low standards.

So a standing ovation for John Major. It’s good to see him back.



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The Brexiteers are sowing the seeds of hatred and discrimination against those who come to our country to work hard and pay taxes. It borders on the wicked

31 May 2016 at 19:17

The sheer level of hatred for Cameron and Osborne amongst the small minority of pond bottom feeders on the back benches is predictable but depressing. It is a peculiar scorched earth strategy that has hobbled my party for years. It is a political Groundhog Day. The same sort of people never forgave Major for winning the 1992, ‘so we can regroup and return to true Conservatism’. And Cameron had the bloody cheek of winning an outright majority against the odds putting the kibosh on the Brady bunch handing him the pearl handed revolver and the bottle of single malt. It is so unfair. I suspect Number 10 doesn’t give a toss about the fruit looped views of such influential Tories as Cash, Brigden and Dorries. Although one has to ask what it takes for the whip to be withdrawn. To accuse one’s leader in public and on live television of being a liar used to be a hanging out to dry offence. Despite all the disagreements many of us had with Thatcher we would never use such language even in private. Simply because it is not a Conservative or a decent thing to do. And for an unknown MP (we know who you are sonny) to spit the venom and bile, ‘I won’t stab Cameron in the back but in the front so I can see the expression on his face. Then I’d have to twist the knife to save it for Osborne’, would be a banishment offence if it was made against the leader of the opposition. I know this may seem old fashioned, but these are not the words of a gentleman. Yet is it worth breaking bats and rats on a wheel? Of course not. The most effective, irritating and insulting way of dealing with these people is to ignore them. They crave the oxygen of publicity so put them in a vacuum. But it needs a bit of trigger mortis.

I always have had difficulty in understanding the Camosbo loathing. Is it class? Hardly. Is it envy? Perhaps. Is it the primal scream of being excluded from a chumocracy? Probably. But if you are in a position of power you want to surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with. I was never in that position with Thatcher, but I didn’t expect to be. I remember Michael Portillo asking me if I had any regrets not sucking up to the lady. The answer was no. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I would never claim to be in John Major’s inner circle, but we were and are friends. I could have a chat if I wanted to and often did. But did I expect a grand job? Of course not.

I was chatting to a cabinet minister the other day about the depressing fetid atmosphere and recrimination that infects the back benches and his words were that it was like a scene out of the Crucible. So Westminster is a little like the trials of the witches of Salem. ‘Sit on this ducking stool Cameron and Osborne and if you drown you are innocent. But if you float to the surface you will be burnt at the stake to purify your soul’. It is depressing and infantile. Welcome to modern Tory politics.

I thought Hague got it about right when he said that after the referendum there should be a wide ranging reshuffle. Not vindictive, but practical. Those ministers (Priti Patel we know where you live) who have been given every opportunity, even with limited ability, to shine should go if they have behaved disgracefully. And it saddens me to say Gove is not without mortal sin. A great talent who has been caught up in the moment. That terrible and deadly concoction of zeal, adrenaline and loss of moral compass. And Bozo too. It would be bordering on a criminal offence to give him any cabinet position. There will be howls of protest from the obvious quarters. But there will be anyway. Those ministers who have been Brexiteers but who have behaved with honour should stay. Similarly those backbenchers who are natural Eurosceptics but out of loyalty and keeping the party together bit their lips should be rewarded. It will send out a clear message; if you behave like a shit you will be treated as one.

There is still a while to go. Anything could happen. The descent into the politics that inflame prejudices and create hostility to minorities is abhorrent. Even if we leave the EU, open borders within Shengen won’t disappear. Albanians and Syrians will still be trying to navigate the channel. To get a few grubby votes the Brexiteers are demonising those hard working people whom we welcome to our country as taxpayers and contributors the the fabric of our lives. It has always been the British way. They are sowing the seeds of envy and discrimination. It is not just irresponsible but borders on the wicked.


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