Jo Johnson is a good and decent man. His resignation was principled but ultimately futile

10 Nov 2018 at 09:27

I am rather fed up with the line that Brexit ‘is the worst crisis since Suez’, simply because it’s not. Brexit is far worse than Suez. Suez confirmed that Britain was no longer a world power. Brexit confirms that by cutting ourselves adrift from the EU our influence on world affairs will be minimal. The economic costs of Suez were marginal. The economic costs of Brexit will be catastrophic.

I am still genuinely confused why Jo Johnson has resigned. Unlike his vile brother, he is a good, kind and principled man. I have no doubt that he genuinely believes that his resignation will stiffen the resolve of those Remainers who want a referendum. Maybe it will or maybe it won’t. Nobody knows. But do not let us delude ourselves. Whatever happens we will have no influence in the making of regulations and laws which will affect our ability to trade with the EU. And we will have no influence in enforcing the laws as they stand and as they are developed in the European Court. So the ghastly Dyson creature will not be able to trot off to Luxmenbourg to stop discrimination against his vacuum cleaners. Nor will Michael Gove be able to get justice for British farmers as did his predecessor John Gummer when the French banned exports of British beef.

This is what taking back control of our laws means. We can chose to pass those that mimic the EU ones or we can’t export our goods. Of course, we can insist that whatever ever is left of our automotive manufacturing industry will be able only to produce cars with the steering wheel on the right hand side. It is taking back control in name only. It just makes some people feel better. In reality we will be the vassal state that the Brexit purists bang on about. We will be the law takers and not the makers. Did anyone seriously believe that Brussels would allow us to trade with them on purely our own terms? And then let us freely trade with the rest of the world? Does anyone believe that free trade really exists anywhere? Does anyone genuinely believe that trade deals are nothing more than trade offs for self advantage?

All Madame is trying to do is keep the wheels from falling off the British economy. It is a fudge. It is a compromise. But has anyone got any better ideas? Canada? Norway? None of these are serious flyers and none of these have a hope in hell of getting through the Commons let alone Brussels. The trouble is that MPs are so inward looking they forget that whatever they can cobble together to satisfy the Parliamentary arithmetic has to be agreed by the 27 and the European Parliament.

It is the purists on both sides that are wrecking the country. Let me be horribly cynical. I would favour a referendum if I was convinced that it would finally resolve the dilemma by a wide margin whether we Remain or we Leave. It won’t. It will never be resolved. It is as much a fantasy as the Brexiteers who lied to us that a deal was going to be a doddle.

So for those of you with the very best intentions who want a People’s Vote be careful what you wish for. It will solve nothing. It will divide the country still further and will bring us no closer to squaring the impossible circle of how we can trade with Europe and the rest of the world without obeying the rules set by Brussels. Surely it has dawned on most people that this is impossible. And anyone who thinks that a General Election will solve the problem is quite simply certifiable.

So this is why Brexit is far, far worse than Suez. After Suez we became a second rate world power, but with influence. After Brexit our influence in world affairs will be minimal. We will be a sad irrelevance in Europe and a fading joke in Washington. In trading terms we will survive but not thrive.

After Suez we ate humble pie. But with Brexit fudge is the only dish on the menu. If Parliament fails to support a May deal then we really are doomed.

Jo Johnson is a good man. His resignation was principled. But in the end it is futile.



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My confession. I am subject to an NDA but I feel no shame

27 Oct 2018 at 09:51

It is sad, if not tragic, to see the reputation of an able and decent man ripped to shreds by the press over a serious error of judgement. Oh, I am not talking about that greasy old tub of libidinous lard Philip Green. His tawdry excuse for a reputation sank without trace with the BHS pension fund. But I am talking about Peter Hain. What ever possessed him? I am not entirely sure that I buy the argument that he was in cahoots with a firm of Solicitors who act for the Telegraph group who objected to the interim injunction banning publication of certain non disclosure agreements. I am old fashioned enough to believe that no reputable firm of Solicitors would ever seek to undermine a court order. I just think that Peter, one of the good guys, made a colossal error of judgement. And that will be his foot in the mouth note in history.

I was pretty sure that Parliamentary Privilege would not be used against Fat Phil in the Commons. Way back in 2016 Bercow warned MPs to behave responsibly in the wake of the Tom Watson fiasco. Yes, I know. Asking an MP to be responsible is like asking a dog to not piss against a lamppost. But the thought of a public bollocking, rarely being called to speak and being relegated to the mad benches populated by the likes of Nadine Dorries and Alan Mak is a cruel punishment. So I expect to welcome a ruling on Monday by the Lord Speaker, Norman Fowler, warning that Parliamentary Privilege is not device to circumvent the rule of law to get a cheap headline.

Judges are there to implement the law and if Parliament is queasy about making it they have to develop it themselves. So on the delicate balance between privacy and the freedom of the press, which Parliament avoids like the plague, the law is developed by senior judges on a case by case basis. And they are not doing a bad job of it as Sir Cliff Richard will attest. But the Green case throws up a whole range of murky issues which really should be looked at with clarity rather than through the prism of #Metoo.

Let’s have a look at injunctions generally. It has always angered me that protecting one’s reputation is the sole preserve of the rich and famous. They can pay a fortune to attempt to obtain a super injunction. They are the Fortnum and Mason of the breed. The mere mention of its existence is a contempt of court. They are very, very rare. Then there are the anonymised Green type ones who are in the Tesco range, and finally the bog standard Aldi model with the party’s names attached but not the detail. The name of the game is for the rich and powerful to defer the letting of the cat out of the bag for as long as possible because these orders can be thwarted by media platforms outside the jurisdiction. So it’s an awful lot of money for a bit of breathing space. Is it worth it? And then there is the Streisand effect. The mere act of trying to conceal leads to far more hostile media attention than the real story.

Then there is the whole problem of Non Disclosure Agreements. But is there a serious problem? Only from the politicians I suspect. Theresa May pressed the dangerous ‘something must be done button’ this week, but it was at PMQ’s so those moments of madness can be excused. Well it appears that we will be having a review and that ‘lessons will be learned’. There will be turgid, virtue signalling and unworldly debates where it will be learned that the law on contract is capable of protecting the weak and vulnerable. If someone enters into a contract where sums of money are paid to another to keep quiet about an event that happened which was criminal it is null and void and has the potential to be a conspiracy to pervert the course of justice. Hence non consensual sexual shenanigans are off limits for NDAs.

So what is wrong with an NDA which has been entered into freely, without pressure and on independent legal advice? Surely none. If an actor has a consensual relationship with a producer and the NDA was genuinely entered into freely surely it must be enforceable. In fact I am subject to an NDA myself which I freely signed. Now don’t get exited red tops. A few weeks ago I interviewed the Secret Barrister on my radio show. For obvious reasons SB wishes to remain secret as a result of the most honest book on our criminal Justice system that I have ever read. So we all signed up to an NDA undertaking not to reveal SB’s identity and the voice was replaced with that of an actor. What on earth is wrong with that? Nothing. But those of you who are curious about the SB identity I’ll give you a clue. In deepest Tonbridge Wells if you find a middle aged spinster drinking tea in a bungalow with her one eyed cat called Grayling you might be getting warm. Or not. Phew, I don’t think that I am in breach. But I did bump into that Peter Hain the other day…….



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It’s time that the Puritans read Thatcher’s Bruges speech and not just the spin. The ‘it’ that May must get on with is what made Thatcher a great negotiator. Compromise.

19 Oct 2018 at 08:34

Perhaps if politicians read less columnists and understood more history they could sleep easier in their beds and be happier in their own skins. Before Madame settles down for kip tonight she should be reassured by the words of John Major in his memoirs.

“Was there something I could have said, some policy I could have adopted, someone I should have fired, someone I could have hired, a speech, a broadcast, an argument which might have begun my party’s journey back to sanity?…….could a different man have done it?”

Perhaps ‘reassured’ is the wrong word. But she knows that Major’s words ring as true today. All the huffing, puffing, threatening, posturing, pivoting, pizzaing and fictional letter writing amounts to nothing more than wishful thinking. The Tories may have gone postal but there will not be a leadership challenge this side of March.

And, while trying to appease the puritans who want to burn the Remainer heretics at the stake, Madame should heed the words of Rudyard Kipling.
“But we’ve proved it again and again.
That once you have paid him the Dane-geld
You never get rid of the Dane”.

But hark. There is a voice of sanity, of compromise, of such lucidity that it could have only been from that great philosopher and intellectual heavy weight Nadine Dorries. All we need to do is install David Davis as a caretaker Prime Minister, no doubt as Bozo’s John the Baptist, and he can negotiate a good deal.

Well, let’s have a think about this. The Puritan view is that we have to go in with all guns blazing and tell Brussels to accept our deal or else. And they will roll over. It, of course, means that the traitor, Ollie Robbins, and all of his garlic breathing Quislings will have to be sacked and be replaced by er………mmm, and thereby lies the problem. It’s just daft. And so simplistic it’s bloody dangerous. But no doubt over a pizza (it would have to be a Margarita) and a glass of Sanotagen with the ghastly Loathsome it appears breathtakingly easy.

I wonder if any of the puritans have bothered to actually read the words of Margaret Thatcher’s Bruges speech rather than the spin that is conveniently put to it?

“Britain does not dream of some cosy isolated existence on the fringes of the European Community. Our destiny is in Europe as part of the Community….The Community is not an end in itself. Nor is it an institutional device to be constantly modified according to the dictates of some abstract intellectual concept….The European community is a practical means by which Europe can ensure the future prosperity and security of its people…..I want to see us work more closely on the things we can to better together than alone. Europe is stronger when we do. But working more closely together does not require power to be centralised in Brussels or decisions to be taken by an appointed bureaucracy…..we have not successfully rolled back the frontiers of the state in Britain only to see them reimposed at a European level with a European super-state exercising a new dominance from Brussels”.

I do not disagree with any of this and in the words of Charles Powell, who wrote the speech, ‘they were hardly the words of a deep rooted opponent of everything European’.

Thatcher’s view of the EU was transactional. In other words, we could work together for the benefit of Britain and Europe. The irony is that Corbyn and MacDonnell despise the EU. They see it as a capitalist club and a brake on their grand socialist designs of propping up failing industries with state subsidies.

To the Puritans ‘compromise’ is a dirty word. They carefully air brush out of history the word that made Thatcher such an effective a negotiator. Let me give you an example of what she said on sovereignty.

“Almost every nation has been obliged by the pressure of the post war world to pool significant areas of sovereignty so as to create more effective political units”.

If these words had been uttered by Madame or John Major, that ghastly little shit Mogg would have called them enemies of the people.

And please, please make an effort to understand the psyche of Europe. The project is deeply emotional. The EU doesn’t want to punish us, but they don’t want us to be the catalyst the breaks the whole thing up. And it’s pretty obvious why. This is what Churchill said in 1947.

“When the Nazi power was broken I was asked what the best advice I could give to my fellow citizens here in this island and across the channel in our ravaged continent. There was no difficulty in answering the question. My counsel to Europe can be given in a single word: Unite!”

And for those who would seek to twist these words let me remind you of what the great man said to his wife after his 1945 defeat.
“If I were ten years younger I might be the first President of the United States of Europe.”

It is poplar to tell Theresa May to ‘just get on with it’. But nobody can pin down what ‘it’ is. Well let me tell you. Take a leaf out of the Thatcher play book. Don’t be afraid to compromise and in the words of Churchill, ‘keep buggering on’. And she might find that the leaning tower of Pizza might just collapse.



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Mother Courage has found her voice and will lead the Tories as long as the opinion polls show that she is the person to beat Corbyn

5 Oct 2018 at 08:43

What on earth happened to the shy, retiring, awkward, Theresa May? Was this a transformation or has the confident, slightly humorous one always been lurking there but has never been given a voice? I suspect the latter. I was in Number 10 a few weeks ago and met her for the first time. I was rather shocked. I had never had any great desire to say hello as I had heard such horror stories about her legendary froideur. Well, on that day it didn’t exist. Charm, wit and a few jokes. She even liked my glasses. Happy, confident and rather good fun at a time when her world was falling apart.

A couple of evenings later I shared an enjoyable train journey with Nick Timothy. I told him of my surprise. ‘Ah yes. She is a much misunderstood woman’.

Some of you may think that I was just star struck. But I am a bit long in the tooth for that having known every Prime Minister since Macmillan. I have a theory that at last she is happy in her own skin. She has put up with such vicious abuse, personal attacks from the mad and the bad, had more farewells than Frank Sinatra and been written off more than a Richard Hammond car, that I bet she just said to herself, ‘what do I have to prove, what have I got to lose?’ And it worked. The weird thing in politics is that honesty tends to work better than pretending to be something that you are not. But most important of all she has finally found her voice in a speechwriter that actually gets her, a lad called Keelan Carr who used to advise her on Scottish affairs. Well, keep the boy, fill his pockets with gold. He is her finest asset.

It’s strange, isn’t it, how conference can make or break reputations. Boris was all bluster and no beef. He showed such great promise to his camp followers. Such high expectations, such cynicism, such ambition. But at the end of the day Boris trying to be Prime Ministerial is like Roger Rabbit reading the Gettysburg address. He is down but no means out. He must be hurting. A nation mourns.

And then there was this fellow Dudderidge. No, I’d never heard of him either. He wanted to show how he could put the final nail in Madame’s coffin by writing to Graham Brady, the grandee’s grandee and curry favour with the Boristas. In fact the silly boy was too clever by half and made it clear to the whips that if they gave him a job his letter would never reach the post box. They told him to fuck off. And actually he might as well have. He is finished and will never be forgiven. Best he spends more time with his correspondence.

The real shock was the crashing and burning of Jeremy Hunt. I have always thought of him as a safe pair of hands and a dark horse in a leadership election. Well, no longer. The Foreign Office now see him as a disaster, which is a shame. The most sensible action for him to take is just apologise for being so crass. The EU may be a pain but they don’t imprison, torture and kill. And Donald Tusk was the youth leader of Solidarity in 1981. But the Hunt line is even more offensive to common sense than his original remark. Evidently we all misunderstood him. Dear God, give me strength. Who on earth advises him, Pinocchio?

So Hunt, Bozo and Mogg are out of the frame which leaves Javid as a serious contender. But…….under estimate Gove at your peril. He is one of those rare breed of ministers who thinks about things, has ideas and is consummately competent. The war is not over for him. He needs to be her Cromwell with a happier ending than having his head chopped off. I predict that he will either be Prime Minister or edit the TIMES.

The latest wheeze by the carpet biters is to demand that she sets a date for her exit. This is as impertinent as it is stupid. There is no natural successor and she now has the the final stages of Brexit to thrash out. Oh, and remember what happened when Tony Blair tried this tactic. The brutal reality is that she will remain as long as the opinion polls shows that she is the only person to beat Corbyn. A friend of mine has a bet in the Savile Club wager book that she will fight the next election. I thought he was mad. But he might just prove to be right after all. This is going to be a very long game. I think I will buy stocks in Gove.

Yet my deepest sympathy goes to Geoffrey Cox. He will now be the Adonis of the rubber chicken circuit and in demand. It’s bad enough meeting the grass roots at conference, now the poor devil will have this joy all year round. Life can be so cruel.



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To encourage the boycott of the Guardian is not just stupid it is a sinister and dangerous attack on the press and the freedom of speech

28 Sep 2018 at 16:37

Sometimes I am amazed at how naive I can be. I honestly thought that Johnson would tone down his sociopathic leadership ambitions until after the party conference. I had hoped that he saw the threat of a Corbyn government as a clear and present danger to our economy, our security, our freedom and would give at least a nod to party unity. I had believed that Mogg’s inner decency would might have persuaded him to hold back any attack on May.

Oh, how wrong I was. Any inner decency that I mistakenly perceived was illusory. Fanaticism, personal ambition and revenge are the only guiding principles that these despicably dangerous men possess. Damn the party, damn the country, damn the Prime Minister. If the price of crashing out of the EU is a Britain hating, press loathing, Jew baiting, Putin loving, Venezuelan doting regime, so be it. Are the Conservative Party so obsessed, so stupid, so myopic as to believe that hand to hand combat at conference is a good idea? That the electorate will warm to us? But of course, it isn’t the Conservative party. It is the few not the many who claim to speak for me. How dare they.

What the party should be doing is warning the country what Corbyn and his mobsters have in mind. The boycotting of the Guardian is not just stupid, it’s sinister and very dangerous. Freedom of speech is under threat. Journalists are being blackmailed. If you don’t write good things about us we’ll run you out of dodge. We’ll put you out of business. We’ll only gives stories to those whom we like. Everyone else can go to hell. They want to take back control.

I’ve seen this happen with the left before. When I was a candidate in 1981 the Harlow Gazette published an interview with me with the the headline, ‘oust the deceivers.’ It was a quote from me. It was a fairly tame attack on the council who opposed the right to buy. The left wing council reacted with incandescent rage. They threatened to pull all their advertising if the Gazette gave me any more publicity. This was financially a big deal. But the paper did the right and proper thing. They stood up for good journalism and the freedom of speech. The council eventually backed down. I would be shocked if the Guardian do the same.

The last few days in Liverpool have been an eye opener. The press were treated like Lepers. We saw the aberration of Dawn Butler encouraging people to break the law and Derek Hatton rejoining the party. But worst of all was the visceral hatred of the BBC and anyone who criticised Corbyn. The outrage on Twitter about how biased Andrew Marr was was as shocking as it was incomprehensible. If this is what they do in opposition what would they do in government? Somehow I can envisage Chris Williamson presiding over the Ministry of Truth.

This is what the Tories should be shouting from the rooftops in Birmingham. In every speech in every sound bite. In every fringe. This is not a time for complacency, political assassinations and Brexit self indulgence. The warning klaxons should be sounding.
But I do want a revolution. I do want an uprising. I want the good and sensible Conservatives to rise up and tell the likes of Johnson and Mogg to abandon their selfish and twisted appetites. May has earned their loyalty and support. They should give it to her.



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Titanium Teresa has been forged from the fires of Salzburg. The lady is not for burning.

22 Sep 2018 at 12:33

Yesterday was Teresa May’s moment. It was not something that was planned. It wasn’t a stunt. It wasn’t a strategy. It was raw visceral anger. For the very first time we the public had a glimpse of the real May. Not awkward. Not shy. Not reciting some sound bite like a funereal chant. The Twenty Seven had not just humiliated her they had humiliated Great Britain. And on behalf of us all she gave the EU leaders the V sign, the English taunt to French archers before the battle of Agincourt. It will resonate with the British people. This will consolidate her position at conference. This will forestall any thought of an early leadership election. Any thought of a conference within a conference is dead in the water. The party have seen real grit and guts in adversity. They will genuinely and enthusiastically rally to her support. They wanted leadership. Now they have it. Anyone who rocks her boat (pay attention Mr. Johnson) will be held in contempt. A week is a long time in politics, so anything can happen. But this is her opportunity not to unify the party, which is impossible, but to paper over the cracks with a degree of credibility. And if anyone (pay attention Mr Mogg) challenges her to change course it will be seen as a weakness, a cave in to Brussels aggression. Although it might be helpful if the ERGs publish their barmy crash out plans because it will show that we as a nation are not going to be pushed around. “U turn if you want to but the lady is not for turning”. And I was there when Margaret Thatcher uttered those words to rapturous applause. Strange how history repeats itself in a way we never expect. It was Richard Nixon’s Chekkers speech that rescued his career, it is Madame’s Chequers plan that has breathed life into her premiership.

We are not short of analysis of what went wrong in Salzburg. But when the dust has settled it will be seen as a terrible political misjudgment by the EU elite. Like Thatcher, May had irritated them, but rather than rise above it they indulged in a collective temper tantrum. And it played into everyone’s worst preconceptions of Brussels; swaggering arrogance and a contempt for democracy. For once Brussels is on the back foot and they are going to have to make concessions.

Yesterday I had lunch with some old friends who are former Foreign Office mandarins. They are, of course, Remainers. But they are of the view that Madame is playing it right. But please let us not not delude ourselves that this is the death knell of Brexit. It isn’t. Now pay attention Ms Soubrey. Chequers is not a Dodo, it is more like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. It now has a serious chance of taking to the air in one form or another.

My mandarin chums reminded me of how the EU negotiates. Threats, bluster and finally a compromise in the early hours of the morning at the last possible moment. They called it the Brussels Dawn Wankasm. And they are right. Macron is in trouble, so a bit of Brit bashing will go down well in the short term, yet not forever. Merkel has lost her Mojo and probably will eventually lose her job. And this is Juncker’s last hurrah. He is a lame duck President and will shortly be spending more time with his wine cellar. I suspect Tusk was the unwilling message boy. But he has blown it. So it will be Barnier, with his eye firmly on the top job, who will be applying the balm.

A few years ago I was sitting in the Commons when Enoch Powell rose to ask the PM a question. It came as more of a statement. “Yesterday I received a report from a metallurgist. It confirmed beyond doubt that the Right Honourable lady is indeed made of iron”. Well, if the old boy was still around his metallurgist would probably confirm that Teresa May is indeed made of Titanium. Titanium Teresa has a ring to it. The hardest natural metal known to man. Brussels beware. The lady is not for burning.



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Tory party brokers must not allow there to be a conference within a conference. It’s time to talk tough

20 Sep 2018 at 10:59

People like me never thought that Donald Trump had a snowball’s chance in hell of being elected President of the United States. Why? Because we thought that the American people were better than that. People like me thought that Brexiteers had as much chance of winning the referendum has Boris had of keeping his fly tightly zipped. And people like me though that a second referendum would prove beyond reasonable doubt that the voters finally realised that they had got it all so horribly wrong.

So what does this prove? That people like me, the liberal elites, those whose political wisdom spans decades, are masters of self rather than mass deception. Sometimes we get so wound up in our woolly belief that the electorate by and large ‘gets its right’ that we forget the pathetically obvious truth that sometimes they don’t.

We have reached the point of no return on Brexit. A referendum is a foolish pipe dream which would do more harm than good. What happens if the Commons rejects whatever deal we are offered? Do we go to the people? And what do we ask them? That we go back to the drawing board and demand for more time? How would the question be framed? And what would be the collective policy of the government? We have to come to terms with the unpleasant reality that a second referendum is a dangerous nonsense and should be abandoned.

The Chequers proposal is not perfect, but it is the basis for squaring the circle of retaining control of our borders (as much as we ever could), keeping the pretence of Parliamentary sovereignty (it has always been Cnutian), doing trade deals and keeping the lights on.

It is a sad fact that nothing will be better than the deal we have now. But that argument is dead and buried. The time has become to cast off our widows weeds, end the mourning and get a deal that doesn’t cripple us. Let the light at the end of the tunnel not be the train.

Many of the ERGs are a really weird. Though not all of them. It’s a bit like Scientology. To be a Thetan is to believe unreservedly in the strange outpourings of that terrible old fraud and failed science fiction writer Hubbard. To be in the inner circle of ERG you have to believe unreservedly that the EU is a menace, hell bent on making us a vassal state. Nothing other than crashing out will do. It’s not so much enough is enough rather nothing will be enough. The real and present danger of the inner circle ERGS is that to them crashing out of the EU is more important than anything. Well it isn’t. The thought of a Momentum government is a far worse threat than the EU will ever be. Notice that I didn’t say a Corbyn government. I doubt that he will still be in place by the next planned election. The trouble is that we have all cried wolf so many times that once the slathering, razor toothed monster pounces it is too late. And he is approaching the village gates.

Momentum now sees its chance to force an election and some Tories are stupid enough to allow it. Justine Greening’s bare faced lie that Chequers is more unpopular than the poll tax is so dim and out of touch that it could have come from Loathsome. Some of us were in Parliament when the poll tax riots swept the country. Grow up.

So now we have entered the dream world of the nightmare scenario. Cultist ERGs will vote against anything that May comes back with. Labour, for cynical political reasons, will probably do the same. Some cult remainers like Greening might also do the same. The result? The government is defeated and there would have to be an election. But people like me think that the electorate could never vote for a Momentum government……..

But there is another dangerous delusion. Let’s have a leadership election! Let’s get rid of Madame and replace her with a true believer. Guys it’s too late. And you would lose. OK then let’s force her out after March and we start all over again with a believer. Delusional. Backbenchers don’t want to lose their seats.

So let’s go back to the run of the mill ERGS. The camp followers.Those who wanted Brexit but don’t want to crash and burn. The Andrew Percys of the back benches. Solid, pragmatic, reliable. Remember that there are far more Percys than there are Moggs.

So what do we do about Mogg and his barmy army? It is time for for the party power brokers to talk tough. Support Madame or destroy the party and let in the most dangerous and anti democratic government that this country has ever seen. Graham Brady is the most influential and powerful Chairman of the 1922 in living memory. He and Brandon Lewis must not allow there to be two party conferences. They must not allow Madame to be undermined and humiliated. There has to be tough talk. Face them down. And they must finally politically bury the overweening, self indulgent fraud which is Boris. They must thrust a wooden stake through his heart, fire a volley of silver bullets at his body, adorn his coffin with garlic and fill his grave with reinforced concrete. And that’s just a start. Because you can never tell……..

How ironic that the ERGs plan their conference within a conference at the Birmingham Institute. Birmingham has resonances of Joesph Chamberlain who split and destroyed his party. And an Institute is a place where most of the cultists belong. Strangely, way back in 2005 it was the venue of the notorious postal ballot fraud election commission where councillors were successfully accused of trying to rig an election. I was defence counsel.



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Never mind the blonde bombshells. The small but perfectly formed Alan Duncan is sharpening his enormous chopper. Boristas beware.

9 Sep 2018 at 09:50

“Look, any fool knows that all this fake news about Bozo has been dreamt up by that infamous gossip and muckraker the potty mouthed Theresa May. This poor guy has been wickedly maligned by the Number 10 rubbish machine. He may be a terrible old flirt, but come on…….would he put his family life and political career on hold for a shag; or two? And if it is true? Well, this is twenty first century Britain. Who cares. Bozo is the only man with the leadership, ability and sheer charisma to lead us to victory. The remainers are fanatics. Mad. Deluded. They want to betray the largest popular vote of all time”. Well, that’s what the Boristas seem to think.

The truth of the matter is that ‘the dirty dossier’ is nothing more than a set of press cuttings, quotes and general gossip that it well known to anyone in Fleet Street with a vague interest in politics. To suggest that Downing Street has mounted a smear campaign is daft. They don’t need to. Most people know what he has been up to. Some care very deeply one way or the other. Others don’t give a monkeys.

Let me expose the myth that senior politicians smear their opponents about their sordid sex lives. There is a deep seated horror of doing this for a whole raft of reasons. But the the most powerful one is that there is a queasiness about exposing private matters because of the fear of retaliation. Everyone has skeletons in their cupboard. I suspect that Madame might just be the exception here. Somehow I can’t picture her as a youth supplying wraps of coke and giving blow jobs behind the bike shed for a tenner. I suspect running through a wheat field is about as much titivation as the press will get. I can remember casually remarking to a chum who was running a leadership campaign about a delightfully sordid piece of gossip concerning a contender. He went as white as a sheet. “For God’s sake don’t repeat that to anyone, it’ll spread like wildfire and then he’ll think it’s come from us”. I kept my mouth shut.

So let’s be real about all of this. To many people Bozo’s dalliances make him cut a colourful figure. The blonde bombshell headlines will soon disappear. I doubt whether there will be any kiss and tell. Yet it is unlikely that there will be a leadership election this side of April simply because it won’t settle anything. And even when it comes, MPs, apart from the die hard Boristas like Mad Nad, won’t put him on the ballot. So his bid will be dead in the water. What will really kill him is incompetence. He is not up to the job. Or any job involving hard work and judgment. The most dangerous and chilling words came from a tweet by Sir Alan Duncan once his deputy at the Foreign Office. Soon he will spill the beans which will be far more explosive that the Heinz variety. My bet is that he will write a devastating hatchet job just before party conference.

Bozo may be down but he is by no means out. The Boristas want to cause trouble. The Chuck Chequers campaign is dangerous. The party faithful could be persuaded to put pressure on their spineless MPs to vote against it. Stupid, unrealistic and dangerous. But it is possible.

But we have had a glimpse of the alternative. The inhabitants of planet ERG have produced their own blueprint. Last week they put it about that they weren’t going to publish it because it would give ammunition to Number 10. They are right. It is so bonkers that not even Bozo could stomach. Task forces to protect the Falklands, a Star Wars shield to protect us from attack. And much, much more. I can’t wait to read it next week.

But Boristas beware, the small but perfectly formed Alan Duncan is sharpening his very large chopper.



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Et Tu Nick Timothy. What a squalid little man

2 Sep 2018 at 18:17

I thought that it would relaxing to have a few weeks of not writing about Bozo. And it was. Now we have migrated from the silly season to the torrid headline season. This will go on way past the conference boreathons until we know what Brussels has to offer. And there is something for everyone. According to the SUN’s ketamine induced “story” that Ruth Davidson has set her sights on Number 10, will desert Scotland to accept a cabinet post and a peerage. A great story except that how does she run the country from the Lords? The last person to do that was the Marquess of Salisbury in 1902. Nil points.

Today’s front pages are rather hysterical about Bozo running for the leadership (yawn). But hang on a minute isn’t he great mates with the Lizard of OZ, Lynton Crosby, who won him two mayoral elections? And didn’t Madame dump on him for messing up her last general election triumph. So he’s a bitter man with scores to settle so therefore he must be running Bozo’s Chuck Chequers masterplan. Except it’s Moggadon man’s plan. So the Ergs must be talking to the Lizard to highjack the conference, stir up a rebellion, force a leadership election and install the blonde bumbler into Number 10. It’s a Brexiteer premature ejaculation party. Dress code, come in your pants. And it will be touch and go.

And let us not forget that Monsieur Fromage might stand as the Mayor of London. Wow, what a shoe in as the punters are a little more pro EU than Brussels.

So what do all these stories have in common? They are toe in the water kite flyers. They are little ruses to test public reaction. All these amuse bouches have grains of truth in them. The carpet biters desperately want a no deal crash out, Bozo or Moggadon in charge and Fromage in a position of something more influential than presenting a radio show. Oh, and the likes of me would love to see Davidson leading the Tories. But…..don’t let’s hold our breaths.

It’s not much different for Labour. All moderates are praying that Frank Field’s resignation of the Whip will be the first whiff of cordite to start the war which will get rid of Corbyn and his thugs. It won’t be because it can’t be. The left have control of all the levers of power. While it may be technically possible to oust Corbyn his selectorate worship him. And if he did bite the dust don’t let’s kid ourselves that a nice moderate would be elected. It will be one of the real nasties.

Well, it all fills the pages and keeps editors reasonably happy until the next photo of Meghan or Kate.

Painfully for me back to Bozo. I always thought that he was the copper bottomed shits shit until I saw Nick Timothy in action. What a squalid little man. He owes everything to Madame and she gave him one hundred and ten percent loyalty. All he has given her in return is more knives than Wilkinsons. And all in the back But like Bozo he has a living to make writing for that sorry excuse for a broadsheet the Daily Mailograph. What a sorry state we are in.



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Boris is not Burka martyr he is just a cunning stunt. He must be disciplined or we are no better than Labour

10 Aug 2018 at 14:33

There is a great deal of miffery down in the snug at the Farage Arms. It’s bad enough having bloody (pardon my French) traitors trying to sabotage the will of the people, Johnny Frog sticking two fingers up to the British roaring lion, but this business with Boris really is the last straw. The ultimate betrayal. Colonel Mad and his lady wife Chclamydia are seriously considering the nuclear option of cancelling their annual cheese and wine Tory fund raiser at their bijou baronial home Dun Thinkin.
“It’s a terrible business Clammy,” mutters the colonel swigging back the last of his eighth sundowner.
“Boris is a fine young man. Honest, trustworthy. A man of his word. A family man. The sort of chap you can rely on. The sort that can lead Blighty back to greatness. And what’s he done wrong? He just says what most of us think. Now don’t get me wrong. Some of these darkies are perfectly fine. That chap Raj and his missus where we get our papers from? Polite. Hardworking. Know their place. They’re Indian of course. Damn good fighters. But some of the others? Dear God the towel heads are a nightmare. See one with a rucksack on a train? Mark my word you run for the hills. And their wives? Poor things. And they do look like letter boxes don’t they? Who knows, there could be bank robbers under all that clobber. The worst of it is it’s just not British. Well, English really. I don’t like to get bunched in with those bloody Scotch and Welsh whingers.
The thing about Boris is that he speaks our language. Calls a spade a shovel. Pulls no punches. None of this pinko political correctness. So they’re all out to get him. The lot of them. Big business. The Jews. Remainers. Well, they’re all the same aren’t they? If they had their way we’d have the krauts on the Mall in no time and we would be dancing to Juncker’s tunes. God, the Belgians are ghastly specimens. Fat, sweaty, bald. Reek of garlic.
It’s a bloody disgrace the way Boris is being treated. What happened to free speech? And what about Mr Mogg? Wonderful man. A proper English gentleman. The country needs men’s like these. Do you know in these desperate times a benign dictatorship would be no bad thing. Bring back national service, public flogging and of course the rope. The country’s gone soft”.

I would imagine monologues like that are happening in every pub and club in the land. What’s more it’s what Bozo wanted. It’s what he craves. He is once again the centre of attention.

What is so weird about it all is that everything is looked at, debated and decided, through the prism of Brexit. Brexiteers can do or say no wrong. They are true Brits. Plucky, outspoken and men of principle. Remainers are ghastly elitist mutineers hell bent on defeating the will of the British people. Can you imagine Mogg, Dorries, Brigden or any other member of Brexit’s barmy army coming out in support of Ken Clarke if he had written what Boris has? Don’t be daft. It wouldn’t happen.

Brexiteers have a free pass to do and say as they want. There is nothing to forgive. It’s a disgrace that May has the temerity to ask the old pretender to apologise. Mogg had the nerve to say that she has no right to discipline back benchers. Really? Quite bonkers. No surprises there then.

And now it is the turn of the amiable Brandon Lewis to receive the abuse for even considering having an Inquiry. What a wicked man.

My advice is don’t give in to these people. There must be due process. And obviously it’s only fair as we are in recess to let it begin when everyone returns. And these things take time.

There is also a blindingly obvious political point here. Labour is tearing itself apart for becoming anti Semitic apologists. Don’t let the Tories tear itself apart for being apologists for Islamophobia. Not a good idea to jump from the moral high ground into the Corbyn sewer.

What Bozo wrote wasn’t a hate crime. But it was designed to offend. And it succeeded. I don’t buy this guff that it was just some careless remarks whilst being late for a deadline. Nor the nonsense that it was brave to open the debate of the Burka. We had that years ago. The consensus is we don’t much like it, but as we live in a free country people can wear pretty much what they want provided they don’t interfere with the course of justice. And I don’t need to write two thousand words stating the bloody obvious. Like Bozo this was just a cunning stunt.



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