The Tory Party is being hijacked by the mad right wing. Let 23 June be Independence Day. Let's take back control of the party

19 Jun 2016 at 12:00

What a vile, contemptible nasty campaign this has become. While the nation mourns in stunned collective grief with the family of Jo Cox some Brexiteers are moaning that this is somehow unfair to their cause. Just how low can these people sink? Is there nothing sacred, good or decent that cannot be twisted? I haven’t a clue what will happen on Thursday but the polling evidence suggests that the immigration issue was a bit of a dead cat bounce and people are now more concerned about the effect on the economy and jobs if we leave. Brexiteers may wash their hands of the appalling posters involving assault weapons, beaten up pensioners and huddles of destitute refugees fleeing famine torture and death, but they are smugly taking advantage of the ordure of hatred and fear that is fertilising the black shoots of nationalism. What has happened to our tolerance, our decency, our Britishness? All I see is the red raged, contorted faces of primal anger. Can’t civilised and thoughtful men like Gove realise what destructive forces they have unleashed? At the Brexit rally today the crowds were whipped into a frenzy denouncing the IMF and the OECD as some sort of EU Quislings. Take control? The Brexiteers have lost control and are being carried by a torrent of toxic waste towards polling day.

Whether we leave or stay the Tory party is being hijacked by the far right. If we leave the punishment squads will roam the corridors of power. And if we stay the plotting will begin to install Cameron’s successor. God knows what crazed loon they will try and foist on us. Oh, so you think that I am exaggerating do you? Well, just you wait and see who the commentators of the right will be supporting. I spoke to one the other day and mentioned in glowing terms the candidacy of Theresa May. A look of disgust passed over his face. She, of course, is a traitor. Post referendum day the chancers, greasers and Meerkats of the back benches will be sniffing the air for advantage. And everything will be looked though the prism of Brexit and what part they played in the war.

So this is not the end or the beginning of the end, but the end of the beginning of a war to shape the future of the Tory party. Do we want to be run by the likes of Sir Phillip Green, the usual selection of spread betters and barking mad city men who put the I into SPIV, or decent moderates who really want to give opportunities to every member of society rich or poor.

So let the 23 June be Independence Day. The day we take back control. Of the Conservative Party.



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Osborne is not threatening if we leave the EU the yuppie gets it. Someone will have to pay for the black hole and it won't be the Mexicans

15 Jun 2016 at 08:58

For months George Osborne has been pilloried for not having a contingency plan if we vote to leave the EU. Well now it has been revealed. The IFS produced a report that there would be an enormous black hole in public finances and gave a number of projections. Osborne chose the midway one; £30bn. Yesterday the FTSE 100 lost £100 bn and sterling is in trouble with £69 bn offloaded since March. Consumer confidence is hitting new lows and the market investment fear index new highs. ‘Nothing to do with Brexit’, the bellenderage primly say. ‘Markets go up and markets go down…..a low pound will be great for British exports.’ Not when there will be £9bn worth of tariffs from the EU as projected by the WTO matey. Someone is going to have to pay for this home made recession and it ain’t going to be the Mexicans. ’Don’t talk Britain down……you are insulting the ingenuity of the British people’. Yet, it won’t be the British people who will be tipped bloodied into the foaming seas of Euro sharks. It won’t be the British people negotiating with both hands tied behind their backs, it will be total dickweeds like Bozo who has got us into this mess.

It is worth putting on the record just how our manufacturing industry is going to be hammered. Let’s start with aerospace. It employs 110,000 directly and supports 120,000. 47% of their exports go to the EU. They rely heavily on supply chains which means that many of the parts are made in the EU. Tariffs will cripple them. The automotive industry employs 147,000 and supports 300,000. They make 1.6m vehicles a year and contribute £1.6bn to the economy. They are a fantastic success and 43% of exports go to the EU. Their supply chain is a real problem as 41% of the parts are manufactured in the EU. They would be stuffed.

So that is just a snapshot of how manufacturing jobs will be destroyed. Have a look at the agriculture figures and your eyes will pop out on stalks. Agriculture employs 3.8m, it is worth £100 bn to our economy. We export 60% of food and drink the EU. The NFU has warned of crippling tariffs. Beef 70%, lamb 40%, cheese 30%, drink and tobacco 20.8%. Obviously food prices will rise. And for farmer’s incomes? Trading on the Canadian model they would go down by €24,000 and under the WTO one €17,000.

And finally lets look at financial services. Contributes £133 bn to the economy and 7% of GDP. They employ 1m. They sell over £20bn of services to the EU employing 100,000 direct and supporting185,000. This is something Brexiteers don’t like to talk about as these figures are never included in our exports. Once they are it shows we actually sell more to the EU than we buy. And let me give you the sums. We sell £21 bn more services than we buy from the other 27 nations. But all this is just statistics. And facts are not something Leavers want to talk about. It’s much more effective to demonise hard working migrants who pay £3.5 billion in taxes and won’t be able to claim any benefits for four years. Who do the jobs that Brits can’t be arsed to. The awful thing is that this referendum has precious little to do with what will happen to our economy if we leave and everything to do with fictional poles taking our jobs and depressing wages. Even the unions accept that this is bollocks. But Brexit have kicked the sleeping wolf of racism wide awake, slathering, growling and baring it’s yellowing fangs. How long will be before some ghastly KIPPER warns that Enoch was right? Well, as Farage is leading a flotilla of shits up the Thames to Parliament today something is bound to go horribly amiss.

So is Osborne being vindictive, cynical and warning that unless we vote Remain the yuppie gets it? No, he will be just trying to fill a black hole that has been imposed on us by vote leave.

Oh, and a word of comfort from the Prime Minister of Norway, Enna Solberg. ’ For the UK to think that it will get everything it wants from the EU without giving anything back…it doesn’t happen like that in a political organisation. We lack influence in important decision making processes in the EU. We have special arrangements on some issues, but basically we have lost our sovereignty.’

Welcome to the future.



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Amber Rudd a star is born. Winkles out!

10 Jun 2016 at 11:14

Well, well what an overnight star Amber Rudd has become. To be perfectly honest she has never really crossed my radar before. I vaguely knew that she was in the cabinet and something to do with energy, which goes to show that headline hogging ministers are rarely the most effective. I bumped into Patrick McLoughland a few weeks ago and remarked that I hadn’t seen him in the papers for ages.‘Excellent!’ He grinned. It is the right attitude. By and large ministers only appear when they are launching a radical new policy and then cowering before the cameras a few months later when it has begun to unravel. But her sparkling performance last night was impressive. To be fair so was Sturgeon and Eagle. They cleverly positioned themselves as putting the positive case for the EU whilst remaining true to their political interests. Eagle, bright eyed and lethal, is the true front runner to be Labour leader when the time comes for them to be put out of his misery. But that won’t be until 2020.

Poor Bozo, wearing a Sir Patrick Moore cast off and styled by David Blunkett looked very uncomfortable as wave after wave of heavy shelling came from the smoking barrels of the three horsewomen of the apocalypse. He was well and truly monstered. Once he was running for office now he is running for cover. His only protection was from Leadsom and Stewart who were as flat as trainer bras. Rudd, Eagle and Sturgeon tore into his overweening ambition to choose the curtains for Number 10, his whopper of a £350m lie on his Blunderbus, his wanting to charge patients to see their GPs and his desire to make a bonfire of workers rights. The most effective line in the evening came from Rudd, ’ the life and soul of the party but not the sort of person to drive you home afterwards’. This will stick. It will the the albatross round his neck.

What has mystified me is why the Brexiteers have made a strategic decision bang on about how we can use the £350m, when they know it is a lie and they know that we know it is too. But then Leave is run by that smug little creep Mathew Elliot and his evil twin, the professional sociopath Dominic Cummings, whose behaviour was described by the Treasury Committee as ‘appalling’.

The next line of attack from Remain should be that Brexit want to make Britain a land fit for Philip Green, Mike Ashley and Dominic Chappell to run our companies and protect workers rights. A chilling thought.

But conspiracy theories in the Leave camp are running wild. ITV fixed the questions. The BBC is biased. Number 10 sabotaged the registration system so they have a day’s advantage. It gives paranoia something to be scared about. Interesting that Cameron said that he wouldn’t sack Bozo, rather than that he would promote him. Leave are now saying that Number 10 is plotting against him. Of course they are. You don’t accuse the PM of being dishonest and expect to be given a bunch of roses.

Rudd is the member for Hastings. One of her predecessors, Jackie Lait had her effigy burnt next to the winkle sheds because of her support for the common fisheries policy. And there is a tradition that members of the winkle club to display golden winkle badges. The obligatory greeting is the cry of ‘winkles out’. I suppose we should be grateful that Bozo didn’t try that one.



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Major sank his teeth into Bozo played with his limp body and tossed it to the jackals of the press to feed on

5 Jun 2016 at 10:49

Listening to John Major is not unlike having the faithful, trusted, family Labrador saunter into the room and join the nation by a roaring fire. He oozes reassurance and calm. But it can be a false image. This Labrador dozes with one eye open and a nose for danger. And if he sniffs that the nation is in peril, there will be a ferocious growling and exposed sharp fangs as warning of things to pass. This morning on Marr the growling stopped. There was a lightening leap and a savagery that will both shock and delight.

Major was charming, passionate and exuded something that is a rare commodity in the Brexit debate; sincerity. But, by God he was lethal. ’ I have often been criticised for being understated’ he smiled. Well, matey you certainly made up for it today. ‘I am angry’, he growled. And then sunk his teeth into Bozo’s throat and played with the limp body for a while before he tossed into the brush for the jackals of the press to feed upon. It was a remarkable performance. And deadly. Here are some of the highlights. The Brexit campaign was ‘squalid…..inaccurate and untrue……300,000 jobs to be created a fantasy… would lead to a black hole in public finances…..Turkish entry into in EU ridiculous…..the French and Germans would have a referendum on it.’

Probably the most effective put down of the Breiteers was about their ludicrous plans to help the NHS. ‘Boris wants there to be charges, Gove is against and IDS wants an insurance based system….. The NHS is as safe with them as a hampster with a hungry Python.’ It was devastating and made me want to stand up and cheer. But my favourite Bozo put down was,’ an engaging court jester’.

And then we heard the tinkling of tiny bells and in danced Bozo with a pigs bladder on a stick. Someone had told him to look statesmanlike, which is a bit like asking Katie Price to send out the aura of a nun. Marr creamed him. It was put to him that the £350m painted on his bus is a lie. What I find so remarkable is that despite the Treasury Committee and the statistics authority warning that this figure is highly misleading, Brexiteers still peddle it as if it the Holy Grail. When asked asked about accusing Cameron about being untrustworthy and shown the well publicised poster he feigned ignorance, ‘um first time I’ve seen it.’ Really? When taken to task over Turkey joining the EU, ’it’s a lie isn’t it Mr Johnson?’ And the response? Bluster and more brazen obfuscation coupled with twinkling evasion. A really disgraceful performance even by Bozo’s low standards.

So a standing ovation for John Major. It’s good to see him back.



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The Brexiteers are sowing the seeds of hatred and discrimination against those who come to our country to work hard and pay taxes. It borders on the wicked

31 May 2016 at 19:17

The sheer level of hatred for Cameron and Osborne amongst the small minority of pond bottom feeders on the back benches is predictable but depressing. It is a peculiar scorched earth strategy that has hobbled my party for years. It is a political Groundhog Day. The same sort of people never forgave Major for winning the 1992, ‘so we can regroup and return to true Conservatism’. And Cameron had the bloody cheek of winning an outright majority against the odds putting the kibosh on the Brady bunch handing him the pearl handed revolver and the bottle of single malt. It is so unfair. I suspect Number 10 doesn’t give a toss about the fruit looped views of such influential Tories as Cash, Brigden and Dorries. Although one has to ask what it takes for the whip to be withdrawn. To accuse one’s leader in public and on live television of being a liar used to be a hanging out to dry offence. Despite all the disagreements many of us had with Thatcher we would never use such language even in private. Simply because it is not a Conservative or a decent thing to do. And for an unknown MP (we know who you are sonny) to spit the venom and bile, ‘I won’t stab Cameron in the back but in the front so I can see the expression on his face. Then I’d have to twist the knife to save it for Osborne’, would be a banishment offence if it was made against the leader of the opposition. I know this may seem old fashioned, but these are not the words of a gentleman. Yet is it worth breaking bats and rats on a wheel? Of course not. The most effective, irritating and insulting way of dealing with these people is to ignore them. They crave the oxygen of publicity so put them in a vacuum. But it needs a bit of trigger mortis.

I always have had difficulty in understanding the Camosbo loathing. Is it class? Hardly. Is it envy? Perhaps. Is it the primal scream of being excluded from a chumocracy? Probably. But if you are in a position of power you want to surround yourself with people you feel comfortable with. I was never in that position with Thatcher, but I didn’t expect to be. I remember Michael Portillo asking me if I had any regrets not sucking up to the lady. The answer was no. I wanted to be comfortable in my own skin. I would never claim to be in John Major’s inner circle, but we were and are friends. I could have a chat if I wanted to and often did. But did I expect a grand job? Of course not.

I was chatting to a cabinet minister the other day about the depressing fetid atmosphere and recrimination that infects the back benches and his words were that it was like a scene out of the Crucible. So Westminster is a little like the trials of the witches of Salem. ‘Sit on this ducking stool Cameron and Osborne and if you drown you are innocent. But if you float to the surface you will be burnt at the stake to purify your soul’. It is depressing and infantile. Welcome to modern Tory politics.

I thought Hague got it about right when he said that after the referendum there should be a wide ranging reshuffle. Not vindictive, but practical. Those ministers (Priti Patel we know where you live) who have been given every opportunity, even with limited ability, to shine should go if they have behaved disgracefully. And it saddens me to say Gove is not without mortal sin. A great talent who has been caught up in the moment. That terrible and deadly concoction of zeal, adrenaline and loss of moral compass. And Bozo too. It would be bordering on a criminal offence to give him any cabinet position. There will be howls of protest from the obvious quarters. But there will be anyway. Those ministers who have been Brexiteers but who have behaved with honour should stay. Similarly those backbenchers who are natural Eurosceptics but out of loyalty and keeping the party together bit their lips should be rewarded. It will send out a clear message; if you behave like a shit you will be treated as one.

There is still a while to go. Anything could happen. The descent into the politics that inflame prejudices and create hostility to minorities is abhorrent. Even if we leave the EU, open borders within Shengen won’t disappear. Albanians and Syrians will still be trying to navigate the channel. To get a few grubby votes the Brexiteers are demonising those hard working people whom we welcome to our country as taxpayers and contributors the the fabric of our lives. It has always been the British way. They are sowing the seeds of envy and discrimination. It is not just irresponsible but borders on the wicked.


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Blue on blue action is a necessary evil but the betrayal of a friend is an abomination

28 May 2016 at 07:30

I warned at the very outset of the junior doctors dispute that the BMA were a ruthless, greedy, cynical bunch of bastards. I warned that despite the decency and reasonableness of Hunt that they would attempt every trick in the book to get an increase in pay and that this was nothing to do with patient safety. It was all about the lolly and always has been. Now that we have seen the leaked BMA messages it confirms what a ghastly bunch of shits that they are. I feel sorry for the junior doctors who are hardworking, dedicated professionals who were totally mislead by their union. They were merely used as props for a ‘vanity display’. Well thank God nobody died as a result of this totally unnecessary industrial action. But a lot of people missed their operations and were left inconvenienced and in pain. And many are still waiting. But there is political collateral damage. Corbyn Mc Donnell and Heidi Alexander now look like opportunist twats. Which of course they were. Will we hear a word of apology from the BMA and those useful fools who swallowed their lies. I doubt it. And let’s give some respect to Jeremy Hunt. He behaved like a gentleman throughout and did not crow about victory when he could have, particularly as his reputation was trashed by the stethoscope wielding mob. He probably has the safest pair of hands in government.

And now to project Smear. The Brextards are getting even more hysterical now that they have lost the economic argument. Well, let’s be fair. As of yet they haven’t offered us one, just a xenophobic slop of emotion over reason. So now it’s Turkey and a few other countries who are soon to join the EU leading to our green and pleasant land despoiled by squillions of rapists murderers and and benefit scroungers all jumping on the first train to Frinton. Except that they aren’t. Ah ha, says a rather nasty piece of a propaganda video, that lying bastard Cameron is pushing to get them in. Look what he said in 2010. Well, never let the truth stand in the way of a good kick in the balls. It has been Conservative party policy since 2003 that we would support Turkish membership. Remember that land of milk, honey and electoral hope when IDS was leading the Tories? Even Bozo made a documentary supporting Turkish accession. And only the other day on LBC he said that the chances of this happening in the foreseeable future were infinitesimal. But that was a few days ago so no doubt he will be saying that he was quoted out of context. The lifespan of a Bozo utterance is about the same as a butterfly but without the beauty and charm.

That video was very troubling for a number of reasons. Firstly it was peddling a lie and secondly it was personally abusive to Cameron. Did Michael Gove sign this off? And as a close friend how could he? I know that politics is a dirty business but there are some depths that if they are plumbed can sour a close relationship. I fear that Gove has crossed the line. This is a shame as I am an admirer.

This brings me on to Steve Hilton. Mercifully, ninety eight per cent of the population have ever heard of him. He was not so much a blue sky as a black sky thinker, as many of his utterings were seriously off world. Despite the fact that he had some pretty barmy ideas like wanting to abolish maternity leave and get rid of all consumer protection for a year, ‘to see what happens’, he was not without his uses. He has always been an original thinker, a sort of Oliver Letwin on crack. The sort of person you keep in the attic and visit once a month to see what he has come up with, and once you have politely dismissed the notion of moving all permanent secretaries to the Falklands to be retrained as sheep shearers, he might just come up with a smidgeon of a brilliant idea. What I couldn’t understand is why he stabbed a very close friend in the back. Ok, he is selling a book, but does that justify such hurtful disloyalty? It reminded me of my dear friend Edwina’s kiss and tell story which caused such pain to many people. Blue on blue action is permissible in these fraught times. But to me friend on friend is abominable.

Talking of blue on blue action I will be debating Brexit with my old but slightly dotty friend Bernard Jenkin. So where is this clash of the Titans going to take place? The Albert Hall? Wembley? The O2? No, no far more up market and grand. It will be in the Wendens Ambo village hall on 14th.June. It is being organised by my local vicar who actually believes in God. Quite remarkable for the C of E these days.



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Soames is a national treasure make him leader of the House

22 May 2016 at 09:47

Not a day goes by without me reading a tweet or a quote from the gloriously over the top Nick Soames. It gives me a spring in my step and a song on my lips. What is so exhilarating is that he has reached that stage which politicians rarely reach; he is happy in his own skin. Which of late there is rather less of. The Commons has always been awash with bitterness and probably always will be. Meander through the bars and dining rooms and pass the rotting ship wrecks of political careers. The has beens, the no hopers, the never will bes. Most sit in corners praying for a seat on the Council of Europe, a knighthood and dream of the peerage that will never happen. But Soames sails through the lobbies oblivious of the creeps, the bores, blatherers and plotters hefted to a good lunch with agreeable company. But sometimes some worm crosses his bow and he fires a broadside. James Cleverly is the latest victim. A horribly ambitious toady to the Brexiteers who made a terrible error of judgement by damning Cameron’s renegotiation before it had even been completed. “Fuck off you cunt”, boomed Soames, no doubt trying enjoy a decent claret and a good gossip with a chum. Now Cleverly is probably dopey enough to regard this as a badge of honour, but Soames has a wonderful way of dealing with this. When a reporter (you can imagine the look of total revulsion at the arrival of this ‘vile reptile’) asked about about the incident, the withering reply was simply, ‘not sure I know anyone called Cleverly …….now bugger off.’ Joyous.

On dealing with Brexiteers he gave the dealing with an aggressive Alsatian analogy ‘kick it hard in the balls’. Although he has quite sensibly told the delusional Adam Afriyie (the chap who has been offering sacked ministers jobs in his government) to ‘Fuck off’, he has been gracious to IDS and the worst he has said about Bozo is that he is an ‘ocean going clot’. Heaven knows what his views on Penny Mordaunt’s car crash on Marr this morning. The poor thing was in denial that we have a veto on Turkish accession. What would really piss off Soames as a former soldier and defence minister would be that she as a serving defence minister is slagging off a member of NATO. And where on the Soames Fuckometer will Michael Portillo’s bizarre remarks that the government is sitting on its hands and doing nothing? I suspect that the very mention of the name would lead to a lip curling look of revulsion.

So the robust common sense of a One Nation Tory adds gaiety to a rather dull and earnest House of Commons infected with angry and obsessional backbenchers. After the referendum and a victory for REMAIN let’s give the man his last hurrah. He would be a brilliant leader of the House. Wonderful entertainment, nothing too arduous and time to slope off for a three bottler lunch. Sheer bliss.



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The one legged murderer & drug dealer from Albania & his human rights

21 May 2016 at 15:23

There is a story in the MAIL today that would have Dacre creaming in his cavalry twills and every swivel eyed Brextard fruit loop howling at the moon in in a juddering climax of pure anti Brussels joy. The story is ‘Proof that Britain’s lost its marbles…a one legged Albanian double murderer poses as a Kosovan refugee to gain UK citizenship…..he gets a four bed house and £2,000 a month benefits as he makes a fortune selling cocaine… he has won legal aid to fight to stay here thanks to (surprise!) the Human Rights Act."
This really is a cracker. You couldn’t make it up and I don’t think the MAIL has. But before you bonkeroons reach for the Kleenex, the great irony of it all is that when you dig a little deeper it is a shining vindication of the EU.

Albania is only a candidate member of the EU and therefore it is not signed up to the Human rights provisions enforceable by Luxenbourg. Therefore in theory they can torture its citizens to its hearts content. Well, actually they can’t as Albania is signed up to the EHCR. So there can be no misunderstanding this is the court in Strasbourg whose decisions only have to be ‘taken into account’ by each signatory’s Parliament. So torture is against the law in Albania and they can be hauled into the Strasbourg court if they break it. So irony number one is that the very court that the Eurobarmies want to take us out of is will make it easier for Peg Leg to be extradited back to Albania.

Irony number two is that although we do have an extradition treaty with Albania it could be rather protracted and costly. Technically it could take years. But if they were full members of the EU they would have to be signed up the the European Arrest warrant which is so fast track Peg Leg’s one and only foot would have hardly touched the ground before he would have been on home soil. So this story rather helps us REMAINERS. Not how it’s reported in the MAIL though.

But there are some other issues which real should concern us. Peg Leg managed to fool UK Borders that he was a Kosovan refugee. How? And how did he slip through the net? May really should order a full investigation. And if there are any lessons to learn we should get down to it. Lastly, how is it that a murderer and drug dealer can get legal aid when many decent people who are in a custody battle over their children have to fight alone without any assistance? The family courts are heaving with litigants in person. And there will be injustices.


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Porkers, pints and how Bozo defies the laws of gravitas

14 May 2016 at 12:00

I really cannot understand how the Brexiteers can get away with telling such obvious porkers. It is bordering on a national scandal. And talking of porkers I suppose I should regard it as vaguely amusing that Bozo has been relegated to touring the country in a scarlet Blunderbus whilst his supporters claim that this will reinforce his image as a serious politician. Yes, I know, I nearly wet my self just writing that. Haven’t they noticed that the Emperor is stark bollock naked? Has it ever occurred to them that he defies the laws of gravitas? Or maybe they think that posing as a Hannibal Lecter tribute with scary mask and waving a grinder is Prime Ministerial. Maybe the grinder was a subtle image to woo the gay community. Or maybe not. The moment he wrote about them as ‘tank topped bum boys’ perhaps removed him from the Pink Paper Christmas card list.

There is no doubt that Bozo has an impressive intellect, but he is just too lazy to use it. Maybe it is the old saying that the Almighty gave us enough blood to service the brain and a penis; but not necessarily at the same time has some traction here. So the circus is coming to town. Bozo flourishing a pasty. Bozo brandishing a bunch of asparagus. Bozo tossing his well licked ice cream like a medieval jousting favour to a pensioner. Bozo running naked through Whitehall with a German sausage up his bottom. Well, I made the last one up. But……..

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention Bozo’s pint pulling of tribute ale stunt. Did anyone tell him that the brewery received £50k of EU money to set up a bottling line?

Now back to the Porkers. The Blunderbus screams in big black letters that we pay £350 per week to the EU. They know that this is untrue as the Statistics Office has told them. This is based on a bogus figure relied on by Michael Gove that we shell out £18 billion per year to Brussels, which is £2 billion below what Farage and his cronies claim. So what is the plain unvarnished truth? The IFS produced figures that over the last 5 years our average payment was £12.7bn gross of which £5bn was given to farmers and other grants. Last year it was £11bn of which £5 bn we got back in grants. Why are the Brexiteers allowed to get away with such dishonesty?

And now in a state of panic they are playing the migrant card. They claim that 76 million Turks will have rights of entry to Britain. Wrong. The German deal only applies to the Shengen area. Then they suggest that migrants are taking advantage of our benefits system. Wrong. HMRC released figures showing that EU migrants account for £3.1bn of tax and receive £500m of in work benefits. Now they claim that the Living wage is a pull factor for the young migrants. Wrong. 40% of them are under 25 so it doesn’t apply.

I could destroy whole rain forests outlining every single whopper these people peddle. And anyone who dares say anything to the contrary is either biased, put up to it, or part of some elite club. The howls of outrage were deafening when Mark Carney and the MPC warned that a Brexit would result in higher unemployment and a recession. And the IMF had been ‘pressurised’ by the Treasury to warn of the dangers. Have any of them met the formidable Madame Legarde?

But I did have a brief moment of joy this week when I saw a clip of Mathew Elliott being summoned to the Treasury select committee. It is great television. Andrew Tyrie just looked at him as if he was something that he had just had the misfortune to discover on the sole of his shoe. ‘Just why did you think it was more important to fly over to meet Swiss politicians rather than give evidence to your own Parliament?’ This went on to nearly ten minutes until the smug smile of Elliott vanished into a grimace. I thought that the boy was going to be sick. And who was the blond Arian child sitting next to him who looked as if he was in urgent need of a nappy change?



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The McBride of Dracula returns. And Sir Philip Green? There are so many ways of skinning a prat

7 May 2016 at 11:30

It was pretty well all over even before Diane Abbott sang. Alright, not so much sang as came out with the ludicrous assertion that all this anti Semite stuff is all the work of embittered Blairites. This seems to be the line as it has been adopted by Momentum and Len McLuskey. Totally cloud cuckoo land of course, but Labour is now seriously off the spectrum. And no, there won’t be a leadership challenge. There never would be. The only way Corbyn will leave office is in a box. He has become the Rasputin of Labour politics. No matter what they do to him he just won’t die. Andy Burnham has come to terms that they are saddled with the man until 2020 and has given up hope by offering himself as Mayor of Manchester. He would be rather good.

But if you momentarily noticed a Gothic gloom descend over Labour and caught a few half whispered words in the ear of the press you might just have spotted the delightfully sinister figure of Damian McBride slink back into the darkness. Yes, the McBride of Dracula is back. His official role is that of spinner for Emily Thornberry. In shorthand his job is to keep her in the attic and only allow her near a television studio if she is bound, gagged and under heavy sedation. But he is the man credited with with coming up with the tried and tested canard of telling the press that Corbyn would have to go if they lost a hundred seats or more. As a strategy it was both simple and brilliant. There was no way this was going to happen and when only twenty four bit the dust Labour looks like they had done rather well against the odds, despite that they were trounced by the Tories in Scotland and massacred in the south. Ruth Davidson has become a one woman political whirlwind. She has done what I thought was the impossible. And she has halted any thought of referendum for the next five years. The SNP has reached its watershed. It will be a gradual slide down hill from now on.

But back to Mc Bride. What I don’t understand is why Damian is doing it. He is a great writer and broadcaster and had made decent living out of it. He was a true believer in Brown and must despise everything that Corbyn and Milne stand for. All very odd. But keep a very careful eye on the Labour press operation.

I have been trying to fathom what moment of madness caused Osborne and Morgan to launch a plan to academise all schools. It was a bit like realising that rather a lot of people like pink cars and coming up with the wheeze to make it compulsory that all cars will from now on be pink. I always thought the centre piece of Conservative education policy was giving parents choice. This strange aberration was doomed from the start. But surely there must be somebody looking at policy and weeding out the turkeys? Well, if there isn’t there bloody well should be.

Now a man that could do with the services of Spinny McSpinface is Sir Philip Green. As a rule of thumb if you have trousered £400 million out a company whose pension fund is in serious deficit it is not a good idea to bully, threaten and swear at reporters. But if you are being summoned to a Select committee it is a very bad idea to suggest that they are all a bunch of dickheads even if they are. And it is suicidal to attack Frank Field, who has forgotten more about pensions than most experts know and is revered as a cross between Mother Theresa and the Princess of Wales. Now I appreciate that humility and Sir Philip are not natural bedfellows and that he is a self made man who worships his creator. The sort of chap if offered a blow job from a pneumatic nymfette would probably spit out his cigar and bark," but what’s in it for me?". So Phil old son, a word of advice. Ooze deference, humility, remorse and dig very deep into your wallet. However, there is a precedent for dealing with arrogant tossers. It is called contempt of Parliament. The last time this little ceremony happened was when John Junor, editor of the Sunday Express was called to the bar of the House on his knees to purge the contempt of writing that MPs were abusing this petrol rations. As if! Nowadays this is generally regarded as too degrading and humiliating an exercise. I think that we could just make an exception. Sir Philip seems such a nice chap. There are so many ways to skin a prat.



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