Ninety five Tory MPs write to Cameron demanding the repatriation of our weather from the EU

12 Jan 2014 at 14:52

Today the Coalition was in disarray as ninety five Tory MPs sent a letter to David Cameron demanding that Britain repatriate its glorious weather from the EU, stolen by an undemocratic conspiracy of fat sweating Belgians and Ted Heath in 1971.
‘Enough is enough’ thundered Bill Cash, veteran of the All Party Group on weather, Europe and general madness. ‘We all remember when our childhood holidays were filled with sunshine. Where is it now? I’ll tell you, it’s all been diverted to the southern part of Europe. The British people are fed up with being handed out the worst of weather when we pay the most money.’

And Nadine Dorries, tanned and fresh from appearing on the popular unreality TV show , Celebrities Bake their Pets on Ice, was incandescent with rage, ‘if only that condescending posh boy Cameron and his arrogant cronies who don’t know the price of a glass of Lambrusco would only listen to the ordinary people of Merseyside on day release. Make no mistake, we want our weather back.’

Lord chancellor Chris Grayling was not shy in coming forward. Speaking at a private dinner in Cockermouth he made it clear that if he was Prime Minister Britain would not be regarded as a business anymore, but as a private home where good God fearing Christian folk could decide whom they wanted to stay with them and not dictated to by a foreign court staffed by judges, some of whom, particularly the Frenchies, have girl’s names. It’s a bloody disgrace’.

But Ed Balls sounded a note of incaution. On a brief retreat at the Gordon Brown School for Charm and Deportment Balls, before returning to his constituency home, Dunsmearin, hit out at Cabinet colleague Douglas Alexander. Sadly the punch connected. Ed Miliband was unavailable for comment as he was awaiting instructions from Len McLuskey who is on a bonding weekend with his executive at a baby seal clubbing experience in Iceland.

However, David Cameron was laid back about it all. Chill axing at Chequers and celebrating the surgical removal of Michael Gove’s strait jacket he said this. ‘It really is nonsense to suggest that I regard a significant minority of my backbenchers as swivel eyed loons. Far from it. Some just need a little re-education. Sir George will be arranging a series of seminars at the Mandelson Institute for Truth Justice and Waterboarding’.

Note for libel lawyers. All these characters are purely fictional.