Bozo's sly racism disqualifies him from public office

23 Apr 2016 at 16:14

The more the Brexiteers edge closer to defeat the uglier this unseemly debate becomes. Well ‘debate’ rather glorifies the primal screams of an Orc army in retreat. It’s slash and burn. Not since the Goths invaded Rome have we witnessed such pointless destruction. And Johnson’s sly racism about Obama was about as low and verminous as any Good Ol Boy in the Deep South sipping a mint julep in the nineteen sixties. I really didn’t think that in this day and age a senior Conservative politician could stoop so low. So far the only support he has received came from Nigel Farage. If this hasn’t disqualified him from a Cabinet post I don’t know what will. It was not just personally insulting to our closest ally but it demeaned the Conservative party. It made us look like Trumpian tea partyers. Well, not in my name. That bloody man doesn’t speak for me nor the vast majority of decent Tories. If he wants to turn British politics into some ghastly reality show so be it. But don’t expect people like me to watch it. His comments could be borderline forgivable if they were off the cuff. Oh no, this was just another carefully timed stunt designed to have the maximum impact. Well, he succeeded in that; but not in the way he planned. I imagine that those who were begging him to lead the OUT campaign are beginning to realise that Johnson has become a colossal liability. When are the party faithful going to realise that this grubby little opportunist is not fit for public office of any sort? I dread to think what he will do for an encore. I suspect that in the week before the vote he will launch a deeply personal attack on Cameron. This despicable little man is nothing short of a political pariah and should be treated as such. The sooner he buggers off to UKIP the better. There is no place for him in the Conservative Party anymore.

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Mr. Gove meets Dr. Freud

20 Apr 2016 at 10:22

The Brexit campaign is getting more bizarre by the day. It is as if the Brextards are living in a parallel universe or bewitched by some mass hallucination. They just ignore the evidence rather than try and counter it. The Treasury produced a 200 page warning that to leave the EU would lead to a reduction in growth. ‘Disgusting…….misleading……biased…..flawed model.’ Ok, but the LSE, IFS, IMF, PWc and the Bank of England come to a similar conclusion. ‘Rubbish’. All the finance ministers of the G20 and every world leader with the exception of Putin warn that there would be dire economic consequences. ‘A conspiracy, they are all in it together’. And as for President Obama? Well, he is a ‘hypocrite’. The CBI and small businesses have warned that there will be job losses. ’That’s not representative of businesses’. So we produce a survey showing that 80% of businesses large and small are against Brexit. ‘Not what they really think’. The NFU warn that farm incomes would plummet. ’That’s not case’. The financial services industry have warned of serious consequences. ‘They would wouldn’t they?………and you can’t trust the banks.’ This list is not exhaustive. But there is a pattern of the Brextards just putting their fingers in their ears and singing la la la la every time an unfavourable piece of evidence is presented.

“Now Mr Gove plees make vourself comfortable on mein couch”.
“Yes, Dr Freud”.
“Now tell me about this giant pink bunny that appears before you”.
" It’s terrible. It’s enormous. It has yellow fangs, horribly sharp claws and tries to eat me. It’s called Juncker. Oh, God it’s here now. Arrgh! Get off you bastard".
“Calm down Mr. Gove there zer is no bunny in zis woom, just you and me”.
“Arrgh, it’s coming for me now. Those fangs, those claws. Help me!!!!!!!!!!”
" Look into mein eyes Mr. Gove. You are sooooo sleepy, sloooo sleepy. When I click mein fingers you will awake and never see zis pink bunny again. Click. Now Mr Gove what do you see now?"
“Arrgh, fuck off you bastard. Oh, God now it’s going for my bollocks”.
“I am so sorry Mr. Gove your delusion is more serious than I thought. I will refer you to one of mein colleagues in Bosnia”.

“Today on Daily politics I have Boris Johnson who yesterday made a speech saying that the world is flat”.
“Only two weeks ago you made a speech saying that the world is round. How do you explain these two contradictory views?”
“Piffle upon waffle, skullduggerydook, BBC bias. No point of being in the bloody circus if you can’t ride two horses at once”.
“But NASA scientists assure us that all the evidence the the world is actually round.”
“Typical American boffindoodledo. Totally out of touch with reality. And this has nothing, repeat, nothing to do with these leftie, commie lies about my quest for flat world domination. Further I did not have sex with that woman. Er, well um, not for a while anyway. Cripes, perhaps yesterday. Why are you asking me all these personal questions? Typical of the British Bolchevic Company. Biased bastards, BBcrookery”.

“This morning on Marr we have Mr Peter Bone a life long creationist who sincerely believes that the earth is a mere four thousand years old. Mr. Bone what evidence do yo have of this?”
“You must be joking. It’s in the bible. It’s common sense. Those fossils of so called dinosaurs millions of year old are fakes put there by the posh, private school elite who don’t give a damn about the horny handed sons of the soil. My constituents agree with me. Not a day goes by without an old lady coming to me in tears saying she can’t take any more of these people telling her that God didn’t make the earth in six days and bunked off for a pint with that nice Mr.Farage down the dog and duck. Anyhow I’m speaking to God all the time. Lovely fellow. Very English”.

“And finally, Nadine Dorries, when did you say that you were abducted by aliens?…………”

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Yesterday the jovial bonhomie mask slipped and we saw Boris the media bashing bully

16 Apr 2016 at 10:10

Like Heinz there are all varieties of MPs. Bores (good morning Bill). Sycophantic arse licking nonentities who will sell their granny for a red box (keep trying Messrs Mak and Ellis, one day…..). Good guys ( ah, Mr. Halfon). And insufferable partisan shits. Well, there are a quite a few of those. But I want to welcome a newcomer to that pantheon of shittery. Arise Mr Neil Coyle. Yes, I know, I had to look him up too. It appears that he is the new Labour MP for Southwark. Young Coyle wants to to make a name for himself with the whips. So yesterday he crawled briefly out of the sewer to report John Whittingdale to some Parliamentary watch dog for failing to declare that he took his then partner (the whippy one) on a trip which cost his hosts £534. Good God the wickedness of it. Drum him out. Make him resign. Humiliate him some more. And no doubt Coyle is very pleased with himself. He probably got a paragraph in his local paper. But when he slips into the tea room he would have confirmed his colleagues secret suspicion that he is a bit of a tosser.

Coyle has broken a sacred convention. Don’t attack the good guys of whatever party particularly when they are down on their luck. And Whitto is one of the good guys. He is straightforward, honest, has a great sense of humour and is very clubbable. He also a rather good minister.

When I first heard about the dopey Byline story I asked a number of my old hard, bitten, cynical, journo friends if there was anything in the conspiracy theory. To a man and woman they came to the conclusion that they didn’t give a damn about what Whitto was up to in the bedroom and that the theory that Leveson would be watered down in return for the press burying the slap and tickle story was just the work an over active imagination, sloppy journalism and the eye watering hypocrisy of those precious, pious creeps at Hacked Off. They were right.

And talking about eye watering hypocrisy it’s time to revisit the latest antics of Bozo. He really is becoming as cynical and opportunistic as Trump. It is as if they are morphing into some bottle blond political blancmange.The latest ruse is to promise more money for the health service with the money we will get back from Brussels if we do a runner. Well, it’s not going to be an awful lot. We pay out net £10.6 billion a year which in the grand scheme of things is fairly small. If we were OUT, £3.6 billion would have to be paid to the farmers in agriculture support, grants to hospitals, universities and regional funds would have to be maintained and we haven’t even started thinking about how much we would have to pay for the privilege of remaining in the Single Market. But it is not the economic illiteracy which borders on the laughable, what I find so sickening is the hypocrisy of jumping on board the NHS bandwagon when so many the Brextards are its sworn enemies. That scary little man called Hannan tops the list and Mathew Elliot has even set out a menu of charges. £20 to see the GP, and a daily rate for hospital stays of £20. And as popular with Joe Public as a cup of cold sick.

But Bozo himself is not without form for being an enemy of a free health service. “If NHS services continue to be free in this way they will continue to be abused like any free service”. And, “if people have to pay for them they will value them more”. The problem is that he writes or says anything that he thinks will attract attention and transient popularity. Then some aide points out that it was toxic, untrue, dangerous or barking mad and there is the squeal of breaks and the smell of burning rubber as another U turn is performed. It is then usually followed by a denial, a misunderstanding, a quote out of context or the bias of whatever news outlet caught him out on his latest whopper.

But yesterday something pivotal happened. He was making a speech whereby he claimed that Cameron and chums were the Rattners of the REMAIN argument, in other words crap. Pretty explosive stuff. This sort of comment, if made by a REMAINER would have led to howls of outrage. But it was what happened next that sent a sinister chill down my spine. Bozo spotted the splendid Michael Crick doing a live piece to camera in the hall. Crick is despised by politicians with something to hide because he is so tenacious. The reaction was almost Trumpian. “Shut up. Can someone interrupt Crick at the back there”. And some goon did. At last the mask of jovial bonhomie momentarily slipped and we saw Boris the bully and media basher in Panzer mode. It was as revealing as it was Gothic. I wonder if this is the moment that the media finally falls out of love with him.

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Camhaven is just an excuse for the Brextards to twist the knife cheered on by the tax havened press

10 Apr 2016 at 10:30

What a disgrace that the Prime Minister is a wealthy man. How disgusting that his mother gifted him £200,000. And what a dodge if she has the audacity to live a few more years allowing him to escape paying tax. Whipping, flogging and decapitation is too good for him. Let’s hound him out of office. Let’s eradicate from history all mention of his name and wicked works. And (this is when the Cameron haters become particularly tumnescent) let’s install a true Conservative as leader. Sadly, the Amish wing of the party cheered on by the tax havened right wing press, have pressed the self destruct button.

Can’t someone just throw a bucket of cold water on them? Don’t they see that they are making wounds that are so deep and gangrenous that they can never be healed? This ridiculous Camhaven witch hunt has nothing to do with tax and every thing to do with Brexit. It’s the same old playbook. Discredit the man and you discredit his message. Osborne will be next. “There are questions that need to be answered” will become the next line of attack. One by one the Brextards will be picking off each member of the cabinet. This will run and run. What is so revealing is that any sense of reason has been replaced by the red mist of revenge. Any sense of logic has been replaced by the Brextard anthem, IT’S SO UNFAIR. Everything is unfair. That traitor the governor of the Bank of England. The CBI. The finance ministers of the G20. And now that bastard Cameron is using £9 MILLION OF TAXPAYERS MONEY TO PROMOTE HIS FILTHY PRO BRUSSELS LIES!!!!!! So let’s vote down the finance bill. Let’s wreck the government. Let’s do ANYTHING TO GET US OUT OF THE VILE UNDEMOCRATIC BLOOD SUCKING EU.

The awful thing is that this is not satire. It is the warped logic of the Brextards. Take Peter Bone. The other day he urged the government to ignore EU law ‘because we’ll be out of it on the 24June’. And the poor old fruit loop actually believes it. So who on the right is going to have the courage to hold up a hand and warn them that this has to stop? Boris won’t; he’s as happy as a pig in shit. May? She is unfairly regarded as a traitor. Probably the only one with the clout and respect is Gove. But he better get a move on. The Conservative party is ablaze and the kids are chucking petrol on it. If this continues for much longer there will be nothing left. These are desperate times.

And who benefits from this self immolation? Probably the the most authoritarian cult of humourless, heartless and dangerous politicians this country has seen in a generation. The Corbynistas. Some will just raise their eyes heavenwards at the thought that they could be in power. That is a colossal arrogance. Don’t these people read the opinion polls or don’t they care? Camhaven is meat and drink for the far left. The Tories are portrayed as filthy rich out of touchers who don’t give a toss about the hard working poor. It’s a lie, but it will stick unless the Cameron haters pull back from the brink. For the first time in my life I am beginning to fear that the Tories will destroy themselves and open the door for an authoritarian socialist government. I hope that I am wrong.

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The truth about Blairmore Holdings

6 Apr 2016 at 09:53

Politics can be a dirty business. But nothing angers me more when a dead relative in prayed in aid. The smear on Ian Cameron is a disgrace. The idea is to suggest that Blairmore Holdings is somehow connected to tax avoidance and dictators who have plundered their people. The whiff is of .general sleazyness. This means that David Cameron ‘has questions to answer’. Today I can tell you the truth about Blairmore Holdings. Not from any contact in Number 10 nor any friend of Cameron, but an old friend who is one of the leading tax specialists in London. This is not his opinion, it is a set of facts. This is what he texted me. I put it in direct quotes to show that I am not putting a personal spin on it.

“Blairmore Holdings was a perfectly legitimate offshore investment fund. It’s underlying investments were very largely if not exclusively non UK. The fund was registered with the UK revenue as a ‘distributer fund’ which meant that it had to pay out to investors at least 85% of its income each year. The investors would be liable to UK income tax on those payments if UK resident. Equally, if they sold their investment they would be liable to capital gains tax”

So we know that the fund was legitimate. Question one. Was Ian Cameron a UK resident? Yes. Was David Cameron a UK resident? Yes. This really is a no brainer. Their can be nor could have been any possible tax be benefit under this fund for the Camerons. End of story.

But it won’t be. The press are now suggesting some sort of cover up. That this is embarrassing for the Prime Minister. “Put up or shut up” scream the headlines. It is utter bollocks. Even the hopeless Corbyn has latched onto this as some sort of life raft. But it was sinking even before he even stumbled aboard. To piously suggest that MPs should publish their tax returns is ridiculous, unfair and a terrible breach of privacy. To suggest that British Dependencies who run perfectly legal tax havens should be brought under direct rule is authoritarian and dangerous. And probably constitutionally impossible. Like Rhodesia they could claim UDI.

We must clamp down on tax evasion and aggressive tax avoidance and no government is more committed to this not just in words but in deeds. Yes the Panama revelations are deeply damaging. But to dictators, despots and hypocrites. Not to the Camerons. To drag the good name (and it is a good name) of Ian Cameron through the muck of party politics, someone who cannot defend himself beyond the grave, is beneath contempt. Oh, and a Jewish mate of mine recently reminded me what the Yiddish word for disaster is. Chorbyn. Too bloody right.

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Javid is guilty of criminal political negligence. He must clear up his own mess. But send for Hezza

2 Apr 2016 at 08:03

It is pointless, counterproductive, waste of time for a Prime Minister to attempt to micro manage his cabinet. It always ends in tears. It is remarkable that anyone wants to be leader of the Tory Party. It is like a scene from Shaun of the Dead where zombies roam the streets biting and infecting members of the public. A few manage to hole up in a local pub, but the Zombie hordes descend on the place whilst our heroes think of new ways of lopping off their heads and and the parts of their bodies that slow them down. So we REMAINERS are holed up in the pub and trying to protect backbenchers from being bitten by Cash, Redwood, Bozo and anyone with a bone in their name.

Well, last week David Cameron hopped out of the back door of the Bonkers Arms and escaped from the blood, gore and general insanity with his family for a few days in the sun. What could go wrong? The Labour Party is more interested in drawing up punishment lists, the collectivisation of our farms and tractor production in East Cheam than winning elections. And what is the point of elections anyway? The workers have been brainwashed by Murdoch and the Zionist media so democracy is a myth. It is purity of argument that matters. We will fight them in the twitter zone, on Facebook and Whatsapp. There will be no surrender.

So a few days of sun and Sangria would do just the trick. Until an aide rushes over with a mobile phone. “It’s the cabinet secretary sir, I’ve put him on your tastefully patriotic bling earphones”.
“What’s the problem Jezza?”
“It’s Javid sir, he seems to have disappeared”.
“Sounds rather good news to me.”
“But he’s gone to Australia”.
“Sounds even better”.
“But Prime Minister he is going on a freebie with his daughter at a time when TATA are about to close Port Talbot steel works. Stephen Kinnock is all over the media like a rash and has travelled to India”.
“Jesus. What about Soubry?”
“All over the shop I’m afraid. Seems to think we will nationalise it”.
“Get him on the phone now. Tell him he is in deep shit and order him home. Oh, and tell the twat that he has got to grow some balls and get his arse down to Port Talbot and look the poor sods in the eye.”

And this is how a crisis can turn into a catastrophe. You expect your ministers, particularly the ones with delusions of grandeur, to have a bit of common sense. Ministers have been working really hard behind the scenes to help TATA offload the steel works and save jobs the last 19 months. They have persuaded the EU to put in 37 anti dumping measures and 16 against China. But there are two inescapable truths. How do you deal with world steel over production? And how do you punish China without starting a trade war where we will come out worse? But this is not the image that the public will see. Their perception is of a government that doesn’t care. Who are heartless. Who would prop up the banks but not the livelihoods of thousands of hard working men and women. At a time when the Tories are winning seats in Wales and just before the May election. This is criminal negligence by Javid. It fails the fundamental rule of politics. The Daily Mail Test.

He will no doubt tell us that there would be nothing he could do. That government is working hard behind the scenes. Both are true. Being seen to be on a jolly when thousands of jobs are in the balance shows he has minimal political radar, no judgement and is unfit for high office. This was his chance to shine. His chance to show that he is a big beast. He has failed miserably.

But he should not be sacked. It would be a scalp for the press. His must be the ultimate punishment. He must clean up this mess and reassure the people of Wales that government are working night and day to protect their communities. Yet I fear that it will mean the closure of Port Talbot. This is a job for a big beast. Send for Hezza.

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Heavy Petsying is deadlier than the Mail

29 Mar 2016 at 14:33

I have been trying to work out the politics of the Petsy Wyatt deification of Bozo in the Mail on Sunday. I imagine that Dacre exploded in rage at Matt Parris’s splendid, if a little late, hatchet job and demanded that the group puff the old phoney up. Geordi Greig, who is at daggers drawn with his editor in chief, commissioned a remarkable piece from Petsy. But far from boost the blond booby it has made it almost impossible for Cameron to give him any job, let alone a big one, post 23 June.

She admits that Bozo lies, but only to get out of difficult situations. She admits that his journalistic utterings are not always accurate. She admits he breaks promises. And that Conrad Black thought it was hilarious. That old jail bird is perhaps not someone who would be on the A list of character witnesses. But I bet that Andrew Neil, his immediate boss at the Speccy, was not heaving with laughter when Bozo swore that he would never stand for election while editor. I would be amazed if he had the courage to be interviewed by his old boss.

But the most damning admission of them all is that the reason he wants to be Prime Minister is because he wants to be loved. This must have caused hysterical laughter from Messrs Major, Brown and Blair. And poor old Cameron must have nearly died of a seizure. As PM everyone hates you, the press, your colleagues and particularly your cabinet who are all plotting to trample over your lifeless political body in order to stagger over the threshold of Number 10. But the idea of asking a former mistress (whom the MOS helpfully reminded us had had a termination by him) is not going to endear him to the blue rinse brigade. Nor that he thinks that it is unreasonable for a man to have to be faithful to one woman. On reflection, I suspect that the Petsy piece was far more damaging than the Parris one.

Then there appeared to be a Dacre retaliation the next day. Former Speccie and Sunday Telegraph editor, Dominic Lawson was deployed. He wrote that he had been betrayed by Bozo too, but it was preferable to be betrayed by him than other politicians. Not quite a ringing endorsement. But hang on. Weren’t there squeals for Lawson’s resignation in 1990 over his interview with Thatcherite cabinet minister Nicholas Ridley? After a refreshing lunch the Lawson tape recorder was left on and Nick was very disobliging about the Germans and Delors. Worse, he said that Thatcher agreed with him. He had to resign within hours.

So at last the scales are falling from blood shot Fleet Street eyes. And the sentient right, in the form of Tim Montgommerie have begun to realise that to have him as their champion, let alone leader, would be as toxic as a hooker’s jock strap.
The eyes of the right have now fallen upon another favoured son, Michael Gove. I have no doubt that because, to date, he has been honourable and refuses to attack his friend Cameron, he will keep his job. And rightly so. Silly children at Number 10 put it about that he is for the chop. This is totally off piste. But to make him deputy Prime Minister is daft too. It will be slap in the face to Osborne and would lead to unnecessary tensions between him and Cameron.Despite unforced errors, he has been a success as Chancellor. Unless there is an economic catastrophe, those with marginal seats know that he has saved their bacon in 2020. And talks of moving him to the Foreign Office would be a nudge and a wink that his long term economic plan has failed. It hasn’t. So there is life in the old dog yet. I expect two names on the ballot paper; Osborne and Gove. At the end of the day the default position of the Tory Party is picking a winner. And the closest to a winner that Bozo comes to is Michael. And he died a couple of years ago.

And now the frenzied talk of there being a challenger to Cameron should we vote to REMAIN. Wishful thinking. He won the election. He has a mandate. It is the wettest of wet dreams. But just that. Backbenchers may be mad, but they are not all insane

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If IDS is the John the Baptist for Bozo God help us all

20 Mar 2016 at 10:22

The Conservative party is like an Hieronymus Bosch painting without the humour that is only allowed to be put on public display on rare occasions as its portrayal of unspeakable suffering can be nauseous to the public. In your heart of hearts you know that the torture and indescribable pain continues unabated.

We really do have to look at the battle lines here. It is not by accident that those who support IDS as the great man of principle who is struggling against the wicked Osborne who is grinding the face of the poor and vulnerable into the dust are all Euro nutters. The sort of people who accuse Osborne of not cutting deep enough. Those who truly believe that he has become a closet Socialist and should be taking a bloodied axe to the welfare state. And then their are the moderate Tories who, by and large will be voting to REMAIN, who forced the Chancellor to strangle his PIPS policy at birth. It’s a bit like the evangelical right who support the death penalty but fiercely oppose abortion on the basis of their fervent belief in the sanctity of life. But the dividing line between evangelicals and moderates may have become so great that the broad church will turn into a schism. This may be the time to think the unthinkable. A realignment of British politics.

Don’t think for one moment that the seething passion of the swivel eyed loons will go away after the referendum. If the REMAINERS win the loons won’t give up. They can’t. It is their mission. They are like the SNP separatists.Driven, relentless, brutal and unforgiving. Their latest ploy is to pose the question of who can ‘heal’ the party after the referendum, with a clear subtext that it can’t possibly be Cameron. The answer is that nobody can. The hatred is so deep. The trick for any party leader is to distract the troops and try and keep sectarian tensions bubbling away under the surface, mostly out of sight. A warning for Cameron though. If the reports of him saying that he would relish a leadership challenge to finally sort out ‘the twats’ he should remember that this was the Major plan. It failed.

I watched IDS on Marr a few moments ago. He was passionate about welfare reform. And I believe him. But welfare organisations have a different view of him. They remember the bedroom tax and they don’t forget the benefits cap. He is not regarded as a One Nation Tory and yet he spent much of his time on Marr saying just that he was. He denies that there was any ulterior motive. In criminal trials if a defendant has convictions which are relevant the jury will hear about them. And when it comes to governmenticide IDS has more form than Shergar.

But we should be very nervous about an Osborne holed below the water line. IDS may well be the John the Baptist for Bozo which is a truly terrifying thought. And if you didn’t think that this is all about removing Cameron after June 23 just read the words of Bernard Jenkin on SKY a minutes ago. ‘After the referendum we must restore cabinet government’

The next part in this geek tragedy will be the IDS personal statement to the Commons.

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Beware the IDS of March

19 Mar 2016 at 08:28

It was inevitable that there would be a Cabinet Brexit Martyr. The intriguing question was who and when. My money was on Grayling as he knows he is finished. But that was an error of judgement on my part. I had forgotten just how much they want to damage the credibility of Cameron and Osborne. The strategy is simple. Turn the leading lights of REMAIN into untrustworthy, uncaring villains who don’t give a damn about the most vulnerable and you undermine the whole case for a reformed EU. It’s simple and obvious. I just wished that I had realised it before the sudden departure of IDS. He is a good and caring man, but his whole life is viewed through the prism of Brussels. Nothing is more important than our exit.

His dramatic move was clearly planned well in advance. An announcement just before 9pm warms the public up for the ten 0’Clock news. Number 10 and the Treasury would still be in shock and desperate to have a line to take, but not in time to take away the sting. The fight back has already begun. The Sunday’s will be filled with plots, secret meetings, briefings and counter briefings. Un named sources will claim that this was planned weeks ago. And the best story will be from Simon Walters in the Mail on Sunday.

This is not a resignation about benefit cuts and if Number 10 doesn’t have this embedded within the public mind within 48 hours then they will be in serious trouble. The truth of the matter was that IDS Number 10 and the Treasury had agreed how the plans for PIP were going to be implemented. The devil was going to be in the detail hence the consultation and the Cameron/Morgan comments effectively saying watch this space. That is now in tatters. The carefully planned implementation which the press have been teased with will now look like a panic stricken U turn. It is bad but not disastrous. It can be managed. But the gloves will have to come off. The Breziteers will stop at nothing to get us out of the EU. If it means damaging the the government, jobs, the economy, it is a price worth paying. And if Osborne is denied the leadership, that is an added bonus. But alas. Poor Bozo is out of the country. I would have imagined that the television crews have just landed. It will be interesting to see whether he supports the welfare changes or not. The poor man is going to have to make a decision which does not seem ill informed or opportunistic. Well, best we forget about that then.

So what happens to George? The press will be screaming for his head. They won’t get it. He must hunker down and come out fighting. These reforms have got to be properly sold or abandoned. The public are unforgiving at what they perceive is unfairness. The government must take the moral high ground very quickly. To rely on the hopeless incompetence of Labour would be a mortal error. Handled properly this could make their back benchers cheer again. Beware the IDS of March.

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Today history was made, Theresa deployed her tits; weapons of mass distraction for the leadership campaign

16 Mar 2016 at 15:29

As George Osborne rose to his feet, his face as pale as fresh cadaver, his lips crinkled upwards in that Heath Ledger Joker smile, all eyes were on……Theresa May’s tits. They had entered the chamber a few moments earlier and had caused quite a stir. Some thought that there had been an eclipse of the sun when a shadow hung over the government front bench. Several elderly gentleman had begun to worry that the bromide they had been given in the Great War was beginning to wear off. And her shadow, Andy Burnham, sitting opposite, not quite within touching distance, just couldn’t help himself. Breasts, like accidentally unzipped flies, seem to have an hypnotic effect. It was as if they had become like the Mesmeratic cobra in the jungle book, singing,‘look at me’.

I am beginning to wonder if Theresa’s tits were her latest weapons to be deployed in the leadership election. Bozo must be getting rather worried. How on earth can he compete? Cripes, those chappies could cause him serious damage. But how could we have missed them in the past? Where has she been hiding them? With the exception of the kitten heels, one always got the impression that Theresa has been personally dressed by David Blunkett. My favourite outfit was that grey boiler suit thingy that made her look like a Sontarian warrior ready to do battle. But until today nobody realised how terrifically mammorific she is. This must be very worrying for George too and he must be praying that this is just a storm in a D cup.

Well, they will be the talk of the tea room, the bars and Commons restaurants for a very long time. In years to come tiny children will ask ancient old men well into their annecdotage, ‘where were you when Theresa deployed her tits grandpa’? And old rheumy eyes would twinkle back to life and a contented smile would flicker across decaying jowls. Before cardiac arrest. And what of Jeremy Corbyn? Of course, he didn’t notice. The poor devil had no stride to be put off.

So remember this day. History has been made. These weapons of mass distraction are threatening to destabilise politics as we know it. Beware the darling buds of May.

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